Preview: Nebraska at Northwestern

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I don’t even want to talk about football. Last weekend was one of the most care-free and stressless weekends I’ve ever had. It was just so EASY. I was so drunk the whole time. Like ALL weekend. You know what makes me care and makes me stress? Football. Nebraska Cornhusker Football.

I don’t want to talk about the game. Like, I do. But I don’t. Because I just get my hopes up and one of two things happens. I’ll either A) just inflate my ego about being correct, or B) drink myself broke (but jolly) because I was wrong.

And even more, I don’t want to talk about last year. It was one of the more memorable moments from last season, if not the most. I don’t want to talk about it, because it scares me. We let ourselves get in to a hole and had to claw our way back with Big Hefty at quarterback and Little Mustache on the receiving end.

I don’t want to talk about it because of all the failures that needed to happen in order for us to get to that point. Like, we legit had to blow it. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to jinx us.

Yet, here I am, fucking talking about it.

So here we are, coming off a loss again, going into whatever the fuck stadium Northwestern and Trevor Siemian play in and we have to worry about his dumb “arm” because he’s not “mobile.”

We are “rejuvenated” after our “bye week” and our one-time “Heisman” hopeful candidate “Ameer Abdullah” has more “fire” underneath him after gaining only “47” rushing yards. The “Blackshirts” are looking “good” and have really “tightened” themselves up.

“Bo” has said the “loss” is in the “past” and the “Huskers” are moving forward. “Tommy” was hopefully working on his “fundamentals” and has learned to scan through his “progressions.”

Oh, fuck it all. I thought putting quotes around it meant I wasn’t talking about it. But here I am, still typing the words and rambling and…lets just see how it works out.

Look at dogs instead.

The Dog Days of Nebraska

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So we have jack shit going on this week, but I have the time and the energy, so here comes the post no one knew they needed. Bye weeks are always a bit of a bore, but it seems it’s much needed after Nebraska’s loss last week. Here we go…

Presenting: Our Favorite Huskers As Dogs

Tunnel Walk

Almost as cute at the real thing.

Bo Pelini

Bo, and whoever done fucked up.

Soft Bo. Warm Bo. Happy Bo.

John Papuchis

“I got this, I got this”

The Blackshirts

“You’re going nowhere.”

Randy Gregory

SACKED

Jake Cotton

Wobble Wobble Wobble

Mark Pelini

Hut hut…………………………..hike.

Terrell Newby

Such an eager n00b!

Tommy Armstrong

Full of deception. Fumblerooski works every time. Look at that lane he opened up.

DeMornay Pierson-El

Weavin’ and weavin’.

Imani Cross

Pure, muscular terror.

Jordan Westerkamp

What. An. Athlete.

Ameer Abdullah

“Outta my way bitches. I have an endzone to catch.”

“You too.”

Last but not least… Kenny Bell

Kenny Bell is the king of cool.

Follow me on twitter for the hardest hitting news: @blackshirtfresh

Recap: Nebraska at Michigan State

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I’m not giving up. I’m not ready to yet. I’ve given too much of my heart to this team to walk away, turn my back, or blow them off. One loss does not a season make.

It’s true that Nebraska has a tendency to stumble when the national spotlight shines right on them. However, Saturday’s game will go down in history because not only did the Huskers stumble, it was the time that Jake Cotton took Ke$ha a little too seriously.

I really thought these kinds of things weren’t going to happen any more.

But it could be worse… and it has yet to be disputed.

Alas, Cotton’s tumble was only the beginning of our O-line’s woes.

Nebraska’s offensive line was about as effective as a 40-year old condom – just letting every damn thing through.

Sigh. It’s almost like we were playing a real team.

Nebraska did not deserve to win that game, at least for the first three quarters. The team wasted golden opportunities; Tommy looked terrified in the pocket and didn’t look through his progressions, like, ever; Ameer couldn’t get himself any holes. It was nothing short of a clusterfuck. A Huskerfuck? Whatever you call it, it was bad.

A tiny glimmer? For how often our defense had to be out there, we did well enough to keep the Huskers in the game. For a usually high-powered offense like Big Red’s, 27 points should have been nothing to overcome. But we couldn’t, and if it weren’t for the Blackshirts, we wouldn’t have been set up for a potentially thrilling comeback.

We showed something in the 4th quarter. We showed the heart that we hear about. No one gave up, and no one gave in. The D shored up. Tommy calmed down. Two drives resulted in a touchdown. DeMornay Pierson-El kept up his one-man punt-return show, and came through when it was needed most.

For a team that looked dead for three quarters, we were ALIVE. We were thriving. Sure we needed some luck. But what’s that they say about luck? Sometimes it’s pretty fucking stupid except when it goes your way and then it’s totally radical.

Something like that…

Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky and good. Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. Yadda Yadda blah blah blah.

We weren’t prepared. Not the way we should have been, and certainly not early on. But we got our ducks in a row, our shit together, and we scared MSU, as we should. We were off kilter for 75 percent of a game, with people falling over, and Mark Pelini snapping the ball at will. But for 25% of the game – ONE. FUCKING. QUARTER. – we were on point. It took only one quarter to make it a game. We made it something worthwhile. Maybe MSU is all its are cracked up to be. Maybe we were caught off guard for a bit. One thing is for certain: Nebraska isn’t going to roll over and die. Because god damn, we can keep up with, and surpass this team in the B1G championship when we are firing on all cylinders for four quarters, and of that, I am convinced. If we had gotten just 5 more minutes of productivity in any of the 3 previous quarters, the scoreboard may have told a completely different story.

I still believe, because we’ve got guys like this:

(Side note: Ameer still leads the nation in rushing after only putting up 45 yards on Saturday. So lets all just remember which dog is still top dog, you fucking asshats that have questioned his ability. I’M LOOKING AT YOU EVERY ANALYST EVER.)

Any team that can bounce back, scare the day’s lunch out of your dumb Spartan butthole, and do it without one of its top receivers for half the game?

That’s a team I believe in.

Preview: Nebraska at Michigan State

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Spartan (noun): a native or inhabitant of ancient Sparta

Spartan (adjective): marked by simplicity, frugality, or avoidance of luxury and comfort

Spartan (Urban Dictionary): A sexual position where the woman is riding a man during intercourse, and right before the man has an orgasm he yells “This is Spartaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” and kicks the woman off the bed.

Oh how the definition has changed over the years… Only a Michigan State student would kick a girl out of bed before he has the chance to get his. However, if they all look like this, I don’t know that I can blame a guy.

That’s one hell of an O-face.

These are the people we are supposed to square off with on Saturday, which means you’d think we would have an incredible chance at kicking some ass. But apparently, the Spartans have been on the up and up in the last few years – something the Cornhuskers found out all to well last year.

Of course, we had 5 turnovers, so that benefitted the Spartans last year. No, I’m not talking about Ron Kellogg’s pre-game snack, I’m talking about giving the ball away. Which we are only going to do once this year! ONE TURNOVER. Mark my words.

That’s me trying to be realistic, but if I keep my head in the clouds, it’s none. NONE I TELL YOU!

There’s no denying MSU a good team. But good teams eat shit and die all the time. I’m looking at you Oregon.

Not even your 7th uniform in five games can save you from that fumble, Mr. Mariota.

If Oregon can stumble to an unranked Arizona team, who is to say that MSU won’t also shit the bed? I mean, they lost last year to a quite shit Notre Dame team. Nebraska isn’t quite shit. We’re barely shit. We only had one bad game! It was an early stumble in our quest for an undefeated season. We’re better now. We’re amazing!

Ameer will take us there, obviously. No team has run over the Spartans as well as the Huskers have over the last three years, and we are running better than ever right now. Third in the nation! We’re running like criminals. And our 6th highest average points per game isn’t too shabby either. We’re scoring like Johnny Manziel on spring break!

There’s no such thing as Sparta this week. There’s just a sad, wet fart.

That’s all the MSU fans after Saturday.

Follow me on twitter at @BlackshirtFresh

Preview: Miami at Nebraska

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The U at the N. It’s storied, it’s exciting, it’s classic. It will also rip my beating heart from my chest and poo poo on it. Even if/when we win, I’ll be sitting there with my head in my hands, freaking the fuck out. Unless it’s a total blowout. Then I’ll be drunk.

Whether we win or lose, lets just talk about Fuck Miami. Miami is one of those things that people think is cool if they’ve never been. Miami Vice is what we call the dingleberry at work that keeps his shirt buttoned down to his navel, to show off is cancer-booth tan. He’s never been to Miami. He likes this nickname. The name comes from people who think he’s a waste of flesh, and who have lost some of their time on this world to Miami. The connection is clear. Miami is pretentious enough to love itself without ever really indulging itself in itself. Miami is the inception of being shitty.

Miami is located on the head of America’s limp phallus, which makes sense because Miami is full of a bunch of dickheads, and Florida is full of a bunch of geriatrics that can’t get erect without a popsicle stick and half a roll of duct tape.

Also, Miami is known for their astounding cocaine consumption, and cocaine impotence is a real thing. THE CONNECTIONS ARE JUST TOO REAL.

This week’s game is our first measuring stick this season. McNeese State doesn’t count because that was a metric ruler that turned into a 30-foot measuring tape, and it really should have just been us winning a “Who has a bigger dick contest” by about 16 inches.

We’ll see the true penetrative depth of our defense (Randy Gregory dick joke here) and the efficiency of our offense, which has stumbled a few times – much like the drunken club girls making their way back to the Miami U dorm rooms.

The real issue here: Our O-Line needs to act like they fucking care that we have a Heisman candidate on the god damn field. Gone are the days when we can sit back and relax and rely on the line to open up a hole. You’d swear they’ve never seen a playbook before.

From here on out, every play: AMEER.

Not only is he a killer ballplayer, but he looks fucking sharp. Can’t argue with a man that fashionable.

Follow me on twitter: @Blackshirtfresh

Preview: Nebraska at Fresno State

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Well last week’s win was barely a win, but a win is a win, no matter how you get it or who it’s against. Right? The good news is that I predicted long ago that the Huskers would lose only one game this year and it would be to McNeese State.

Good news! Since we snuck by McNeese, we can rest easy knowing we will win out. Starting with Fresno State.

Fresno, the glorious, cow-shit odiferous city that gave us Warren Zevon (RIP you beautiful crooning lyrical master) and Richard Kiel (RIP you monstrous terror) went and fucked it all up by giving us Kevin Federline (RIP Britney Spears’ integrity).

Fresno giveth, Fresno taketh it all the fuck away in one fell swoop.

If Fontana is the armpit of California, Fresno is the space between the sweaty ballsack and hairy thigh of California. I won’t even stop there to grab a coffee. I was on a four-day camping trip about two hours north of Fresno. We hadn’t showered, we were covered in dirt, we smelled like we spent four days hiking in 90-degree heat without a shower. But we still didn’t smell as bad as Fresno. So I won’t stop for coffee, and I won’t stop for a shower. I’ll rot in my own filth for another four hours, a half hour of which is spent with zero AC in the dead of summer as we drive over the Grapevine (a big dumb hill for the non-Californians) just to avoid seven minutes in that city.

Speaking of non-Californians, let me apologize on behalf of everyone in CA for anyone who is traveling to the Golden State for the first time and they are stuck going to Fresno. Extend your trip, come to LA, we will have a great time.

Not to mention, their football team is as bad as the city smells…this year. In recent years they’ve posted some pretty nice records. But in two games this year they’ve already managed to rack up as many loses as they did last year (the Bulldogs were 11-2 last year).

What I’m saying is that if my entire family is making the 4-hour turnaround trip to watch the Huskers, we better not lose. Losing is not an option. WE HAVE AMEER ABDULLAH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

Fresno is giving up points like K-Fed has given up exercise, and they’re scoring even less than he does. After last week’s near stumble, there is reason to doubt we will come in and roll, but that might also be the motivation for us to flatten the Bulldogs. Steamroll them. EUTHANIZE THE BULLDOGS.

Basically, I can’t fucking wait. I’ll be there, decked out, and in a cob hat. It will have a GoPro on it. It’s a CobCam. If you see me, come make a cameo. Have a drink. I’ll be with my crazy, drunk family, and you can be part of us. We welcome one and all.

We also have an extra ticket. If you’d like it, inquire within. You can hang with my crazy, drunk, fun family.

Folllow me at @Blackshirtfresh.

Peace, love, and out of conference wins.

McNeese State at Nebraska

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Well, last week was fun! Any other team laying down a rout against their opponent and it’s nap time, but I drank until the glorious end of the Huskers last week. It was like they were playing a mildly better Louisiana-Lafayette! Considering Florida Atlantic thought (still think?) they were going to come in and win the game, I’d say we were lucky to make it out with as many points as we did!

So what’s next? McNeese State. A school that apparently managed to win 10 games last year, as opposed to FAU’s 6, so they should be able to put up a bit more of a fight. But where the hell is McNeese? I’ve heard of plenty of the United States of America, but McNeese is a new one. It’s not even on Joey Tribbiani’s list of the 56 states!

McNeese State, former stomping grounds of Kerry Joseph, a CFL quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos. They can’t be that great, right? For one, they are terribly unoriginal. The school goes by the Cowboys, and if I remember correctly, there’s about  60 other teams in college football that go by that name. For two, they didn’t do well in 2002 when the Huskers took down the Cowboys 38-14. Jammal Lord set some records that day, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we see some more records broken on Saturday.

I can’t imagine it going any other way, despite Randy Gregory’s lame knee keeping him sidelined. I don’t think he even got hurt on an action play. I just assume his dong unfurled and it accidentally hit his knee. Anyhow, if there’s a game he can miss, it’s this one.

The Red Storm will swell again, drenching its opponents in a sea of bloody redness. I don’t even care if it’s real blood, as long as it’s not coming from any Husker bodies. I’m just hoping it gets ugly.

McNeese State

That’s pretty much all I have for this week. I didn’t research McNeese, I didn’t care. Work was out of control, the love life is out of commission, and at this point I’m out of beer. This will not be the case come tomorrow, 9 AM PST. I will be at the bar, probably drunk by McNeese’s first three-and-out. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be at the beach 4 hours later, and much, much drunker.

Suck it McNeese.

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh.

Gotta Have Faith: Florida Atlantic at Nebraksa

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Because I have somehow manage to not look at the actual date on the calendar in the last couple of weeks, I’m a bit behind on my goals for this post and this blog in general. I had huge plans for this site, all of which never came to fruition. I mean, what can you expect? It was only 8.5 months since the bowl game, I got a new position that requires travel, and I perfected my golf game.

Clearly I had bigger fish to fry.

So this is more of an overview of the season, with some jabs at Florida Atlantic thrown in. Besides taking a Conference USA team to task for an entire 800 words before the opener is akin to a pregame show for a linebacker bullying the school band’s tuba player. Sure, the tuba guy will get in a few hits now and then, but we all know who’s waltzing out of there and who limps out bloody and bruised.

Usually around this time of year, I find myself pretty confident. Only a few weeks ago I wrote:

But it seems since then I’ve had what you’d call a crisis of faith, which is great because I’ve always wanted one of those. It’s not just with Husker football, but more like everything just seems a little “blah” lately. Without airing my dirty laundry, life has just been lacking pizzaz.

Then I started reading some more articles. (And boy did I lot to catch up on. This new position at work requires me to actually work while I’m in the office  – like…who the fuck actually does that? – and I’ve had no time to keep up with my boys in red.)

I started making plans for various weekends. I started combing through my closet for my Husker shirts. I dusted off that old corn cob hat. I watched the Kellogg to Westerkamp hail Mary and holy shitballs you bet all your fine asses I’ve got my faith back in the Huskers this year. I am PUMPED. Lets go all in. Lets make this season worthwhile. I will have faith in this team until they give me reason not to. I will have faith in this team until it runs that faith into a blender and they collectively shit it out all over me with the fury of week-old spicy Indian food erupting from the bowels of a French Bulldog. And then I’ll find a reason to have faith the next week, because I’ll be damned if I really do lose it.

I’m back to where I was before, choreographing my touchdown and national championship dances. I’ve got my moves, and I’m ready to show them off.

The road to me making these dance moves public starts Saturday, against some Florida school. Should I be more pacific? It’s Florida Atlantic University, and thank god they spelled it out for us or else I’d never know who the fuck we are playing.

states_imgmap

 

So FAU comes flying in, and this school is at least vaguely familiar to 95% of Husker fans because it was once home to the Danny DeVito of the Pelini clan. Unfortunately Carl was booted and to elaborate would be plucking low-hanging fruit that’s dangling closer to the ground than the tip of Randy Gregory’s dong. That’s real low.

Now there’s really no hope for FAU to come in and win, since their only insight into the Huskers’ high-powered offense is combing the Missed Connections page on Craigslist. Kenny Bell is going to be flowing and froing his way into the end zone, Imani Cross will be crossing all sorts of boundaries, and Tommy Armstrong will be, well…strong arming his opponents into sucking.

And lets face it. Bringing Ameer Abdullah to this game is like bringing an uzi-wielding 9 year old to a knife fight.

Follow me on twitter because talkin’ shit is fun: @blackshirtfresh.

 

Preview: Gator Bowl – Nebraska vs. Georgia

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This year’s Capital One Gator Bowl bowl matchup is failing to light a fire in anyone’s pants, as apathy sweeps Georgia’s and Nebraska’s fanbases.

It’s hard to get excited about a less-exciting repeat of last year’s matchup. The series is tied 1-1 after the Huskers lost to the BullDawgs last year. Nebraska walloped Georgia 45-6…in 1969. Both teams have been plagued by injuries this year. Both teams are 8-4. Both teams didn’t make the conference championship. Both teams lost a few games they really shouldn’t have. WHAT AN INCREDIBLE STORY LINE.

Remember the good ol’ days?

Aaron Murray! Taylor Martinez!

Sadly, we don’t even get to see Taylor Martinez again. I had some hope that he might end up back in the huddle, but alas, he has yet to recover from a slew of injuries that happened when he apparently was hit by a truck or something.

*Not actually T-Magic.

And so it seems that, like all of my birthdays, there will be no Magician on New Year’s Day. There will also be no Aaron Murray. While this makes for less excitement, the Huskers have a little bit better chance, I’d say. But their back up has shown some competence, so it’s no time for the Blackshirts to ease up.

We do, however, have this…

We can also expect a show from Ameer Abdullah, because why wouldn’t he put on a show? He’s a beast, and nearly unstoppable at that. Todd Gurley, is almost as beastly as Ameer, so these two beasts will be pounding it out in the run game.

It’s a glimmer of hope in a game that has failed to really excite anyone. I’d be lying if I said I’m not excited at all. I get excited about the most mundane things, like egg nog or pairs socks that come in packs of eight (16 socks! Imagine the possibilities!).

The real travesty here is that the game is at 9 a.m. on the west coast. Nine fucking a.m.

ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!

The powers that be must not care about hangovers. They don’t care that it is my civic duty to get absurdly drunk before midnight, plant a kiss on my dog, drink until 6 a.m., and incessantly sing Auld Lang Syne at the top of my lungs until I’m locked in a closet.

It is excruciating to get up with a headache akin to splitting wood and spend the next four hours yelling at my TV. The games give me enough headaches as it is. Coupled with the nauseating combination of champagne, beer, Fireball and jet fuel… this game will go down in the books as one of the worst experiences in my life.

They’re just asking too much. THE PEOPLE WANT TO PARTY. GIVE THEM TIME TO RECOVER.

See, it’s not just Nebraska fans. Georgians want to party too. Even if they are drinking out of a Bulldog’s mouth. No matter the vessel, the end result is the same…

This guy is (hashtag) DRUNK. My hero.

Then there are those that will party through the night, toeing the line between party crazy and straight-jacket crazy. They don’t sleep, they don’t stop drinking. They may be on some other substance that’s not alcohol. Delirium is a close friend, and enthusiasm peaks with…body paint?

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh so I can bitch about my terrible hangover.

Recap: Nebraska vs. Iowa

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Sigh.

Another regular season in the books, only this time with no visit to a conference championship. Nebraska’s season fizzled out against a potent Iowa team that looked much more prepared…and healthy.

The Hawkeyes scored about as many points as the Huskers have injuries. But that goes with the territory of playing a game where 200-pound sacks of muscle run full-speed at one another. So the injuries are no excuse. But at least Iowa now has their first win against Nebraska since our joining of the Big Ten, and their first win against Nebraska since 1981.

I guess we’ve got ourselves a rivalry? Kinda.

 

Alright, so the jury is still out on that one. I guess we’ll have to wait a few more years, but by then we’ll be back to playing Wisconsin and that’s where a lot of the drama lies. Though, #WiscHateWeek just doesn’t have the same ring as #IowaHateWeek. Speaking of, I’d say it was a success. The point of #IowaHateWeek is to have some fun, make sweeping generalizations, and, in my case, poke fun at the stupidest laws in the state. There were some unhappy folks, regardless of Iowa’s win.

Only an Iowan would think it’s possible to fuck yourself with a twitter trend.

HEY! That’s FauxPelini’s schtick! See, they’re unoriginal, too.

And then THIS guy comes flying back in!

The reason face palms were invented. In fact, lets take a time out to look at what else he had to offer Nebraska fans.

That hashtag though…

Apparently IOWA in this case stands for Ignorant Old White Asshole.

Back to our regular scheduled programming…

Classic Nebraska: 5 National Championships and a .703 all-time record.
Classic Iowa: 1 National Championship and a .530 all-time record.

I’ll keep my Classic Nebraska, thank you.

I get it…But I don’t. Trimester. Three. Not four. A fourth trimester would be one hell of an OT.

And then this happened…

 

That’s what I like to see. Get some other folks in on it! Alas, it wouldn’t sit well with one Iowan in particular.

 

 

Donkey punching. Always the answer to generalized shit-talking.

His contribution to Iowa’s recruiting efforts are impeccable…

He’s not particularly fond of me either. And judging by the grammar in the following screenshot, it was either him or a friend of his that complimented my dry humor, then butchered basic sentence structure and the English language while telling me I’m not good at writing.

Screen Shot 2013-12-03 at 12.13.54 AM

Only an Iowan would mix a hockey metaphor into a football tweet.

I do some research, slap two correlating facts together, and people STILL think I’m a dumbass. I CAN’T WIN.

I already can’t wait for next year! Even thought it’s not much of a rivalry.

Seeing as Iowa is excited about their 8-4 record and Nebraska is bummed about the same record, I’ve come to the following conclusion: The Huskers and Hawkeyes won’t be rivals until Iowa gets good enough to be as disappointed about an 8-4 season as Nebraska is.

We’ve got a long way to go.

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh.