Monthly Archives: October 2013

RecAPATHETIC: Nebraska at Minnesota

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The loss on Saturday was devastating. I was at a new bar, making new friends, all hyped up on our sure-win over Minnesota. It was not to be. Nonetheless, I still had it in me to write a recap, knowing there was sure to be good fodder on the Twitter. And then I read Twitter.

That’s the least of the spew that was hurled at Husker football players. Most of it had to do with dropped passes or sucking. I don’t want to draw any more attention to the people who get on a soapbox and berate a bunch of hard-working players that are still JUST KIDS. So I’m hardly writing a damn thing today.

Especially after some fool decided to liken Kenny Bell’s dog, Mox, getting hit by a car to his on-field performance. I could write tens of thousands of words on this subject, so I’ll refrain. It can be best summed up by: You don’t mess with a man’s dog.

This enraged a nation (or at least Twitter nation), and the internet was rife with people showering Kenny and his pup with love and prayers (the pup is now at home and doing well). This made me happy, but no less apathetic about stupid people.

So that’s about all you’re going to get from me. Three days late on the recap and I still just hate people.

To Recap:
1. The Huskers lost.
2. Twitter reacts unkindly, and mostly rudely.
3. Kenny Bell’s dog is hit by a car.
4. Imbecile uses this to tell Kenny he had a bad game, thus infuriating anyone with a brain.
5. Twitter reacts again, this time in support of Kenny.
6. My faith in humanity is restored because of number 5.
7. Search Twitter to write recap.
8. Determine people are assholes.
9. Give up, look toward next week.
10. Weep.

Other notes:
Tunnel Walk of Shame wrote the best article about Husker football this side of 2012.
– Carl Pelini is a pothead.

A closing note: To any one who feels it is their duty to berate, insult, make fun of, or otherwise be rude to a player, censor yourself. Stop yourself. These guys have been working and honing their skills for years on end, and they continue to work on these skills daily. They are constantly striving to get better. They will drop passes, they will fumble, they will stumble. But they are still likely working harder than you at anything you’re currently doing.

If that’s not enough, remember that there was a time that you had to be trained not to shit in your pants (not even a skill – just hygiene), and even that took some of you more than five years. Before you tweet, think back to the days when you ran around the playground with doo-doo smeared on the inside of your Power Ranger overalls and realize you, too, are not above dropping something.

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh for more apathy.

Preview: Nebraska at Minnesota

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NU vs Minn Banner

The Nebraska Conrhuskers roll into TCF Bank Stadium to take on the Minnesota Golden Gophers this weekend. Their fans are expected to almost outnumber Husker fans this year, but judging from the photos above, we can expect these Golden Boys to do at least all of the following:

1. Cry
2. Subtly angle chili cheese burp into blonde girl’s face
3. Get bored
4. Contemplate eating booger picked two quarters ago
5. Regret. Deep, earnest regret.

And who is to blame them? The only thing notable about this stadium is that it holds about half as many fans as Memorial Stadium does, and it’s in the middle of the frozen tundra no one wants to visit. There’s no point in going to Minnesota.

I flew through St. Paul once on my way to Lincoln. My St. Paul to Lincoln flight was cancelled because the airport didn’t have the foresight to know that the construction they were doing for the past two years would cause problems for some outgoing flights and they should have scheduled around it. Instead I was placed on a flight to Omaha 10 FUCKING HOURS LATER. I got so tragically drunk in the TGI Fridays they use to spice up their shithole airport that they almost didn’t let me on the plane. But, once on the plane, I kept my head held high and managed to charm myself into three bite-size bottles of Jack Daniel’s on this non-alcoholic flight. Obviously, not being in Minnesota was the reason I procured them, so I blame all of MN for bad things, and all of NE for good things.

To the stewardess that gave me the Jack, I appreciate you and your massive heart. I imagine your name is Daisy or RosePetal, because you were just so sweet and you smelled like a floral dream. To Buzz (actual name), the uptight, whistle-blowing, no-fun-having, dingleberry waiter at Fridays, you can take your “alcoholic limits” and shove them right up your puckered asshole.

Moving on. Gophers are assholes. They tear up your yard and then scurry away when you try to kill them and then come back right after you’ve fixed it up. Plus, they are ugly as sin.

Northern Pocket Gopher

Look at the claws. Take a good hard look. The claws are twice as long as the teeth. I know some humans do this, but that’s unnatural. THIS IS HOW GOPHERS ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK.

Look at the teeth. Holy shit. Now we know where Minnesota gets it’s color scheme.

This whole thing is made slightly better by the fact that they are golden gophers.

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Anyone that owns this can be my friend. I love this stuff. It makes absolutely zero sense, and that’s why I love it.

The most important thing about this weekend is the return of our beloved T-Magic!!

T-Magic LOL

Twitter is all a flutter, but for now it’s mostly innocuous babble, stating “Oh noes, Taylor and his toes” or “I can’t wait!”  or “Play Thomas and RG3” or “THE WHOLE SYSTEM IS SHIT AND OUR PROGRAM IS RUINED.” The really good stuff will come in due time, right about when Taylor takes the field for the first time.

I, for one, am excited. A healthy (crosses fingers) T-Magic should be a run threat, opening up the option game and creating even more opportunities to future-Heisman-Trophy winner Ameer Abdullah. With a rumored “getting better every day” defense, I’d like to think Nebraska comes out of this one strong. The Huskers have back-assed their way into the polls, even coming in at 24 in the BCS rank. This surprises me. Finally, the respect we deserve! I can imagine for the team this feels like being some schlep-along band on a major tour that finally gets a 12-pack of Buck Range beer on the sideline. WE H IT THE BIGTIME BOYS.

I’m not going to throw out any lofty expectations here. I have no clue who will start. I haven’t tried to read into Bo’s demeanor or facial ticks that might give some hint to who is getting the starting job. For now it’s a waiting game, and I don’t mind. It’s a bit thrilling, actually, to be on edge and see what happens.

I know one thing is for sure. Once the Magic show does start, this chump (who needs some afro advice from none other than Kenny Bell) is likely to be front row…

"I heard there's supposed to be a magic show here today guys!"
“I heard there’s supposed to be a magic show here today guys!”

Follow me on twitter at @BlackshirtFresh for more unnecessary fan-bashing.

 

Recap: Nebraska at Purdue – Spinning Our Wheels

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It seems the further we get from Saturday’s game, the more confused I get.  Nebraska played well – consistent – for the most part, against a team that some say could have really upset the Cornhuskers never really had a chance.

MOST of the fans understood this, even early on.

WHOA WHOA WHOA. I like your last name, but I was NOT at the game. I and my stubby neck were beering and eating tacos at kickoff at 9 AM in sunny SoCal.

Nebraska fans weren’t there yet because they were hungover. Remember? Out numbering Purdue fans at the bar. KEEP UP DERRICK.

Clearly, some Purdue fans were keeping up the night before the game…

Alright, Jacob. Sit down young man, lets have a chat. You’re a dreamer. I can see that. You’ve got some reach-for-the-stars goals. I appreciate that. But a shitty scalper “friend” does not a businessman make. Really, if you’re selling the tickets for below face value but above the current StubHub asking price, you’re still not scalping. You should probably stick to something else. Let me show you what some of your peers were up to last weekend. It should give you a better sense of direction for your next game.

And THAT, Derrick, is where all of those Nebraska fans came from that you saw later in the game.

Despite the abundance talent on our sidelines and our fans in Ross-Ade stadium, some Boilermaker fans deemed this the appropriate time to call an upset.

KELLEN! You got one out of three, almost two! But don’t take your skills to Vegas because this parlay would end up with you wandering drunk somewhere behind the Flamingo, trying to figure out where you were almost right (if only KState didn’t throw that 4th-quarter interception) and just where you went wrong. (Hint: Purdue).

This was so far from coherent, I have to wonder if he was the only other Purdue fan at the bars the night before. In any case, that’s correct. There were “turns over” and the Huskers did benefit from them. *Ignores Tommy Armstrong’s three interceptions*

Those turns over by Tommy never led to any points for Purdue. One actually led directly to a safety, so the Huskers really only had a differential of -5 points on one of his INTs.

Nebraska actually had a fairly good day on the defensive end of the ball.

PAUL THIS IS PURDUE PLEASE DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF.

Most others stayed within their bounds, without making hasty generalizations.

(It’s that Purdue was that bad, FYI.)

Holding a team to 32 yards of rushing is pretty cool, so we will chalk that one up to a defensive improvement. Even if their leading rusher was averaging 39 yards per game before that. The Huskers could have had an even better stat line has SJB not been ejected for a “controversial” “targeting” penalty.

I have, too, been as angry as this fella to where I could no longer type.

Pretty rational. Mild name calling. Nothing too vulgar.

Holy shit, Trey, you didn’t even try and you’re full of double entendres. Why don’t we keep the language to a minimum? Ohh… Oh no.

Mind you, this is the same person who said during the Holocaust “Despite everything, I think people are really good at heart.” If Anne Frank hates you, you’re doing everything wrong.

The real travesty about the ejection is that SJB didn’t have the opportunity to move into a tie for first in the nation in interceptions. Maybe SJB could have preserved the shutout… Purdue scored a touchdown with 39 seconds left when Nebraska was already in the locker room.

WE ARE STILL THE CLASSIEST FANS IN FOOTBALL EVEN WHEN OUR TEAM LETS YOUR TEAM SCORE BECAUSE SPORTSMANSHIP.

They scored almost as easily as Ameer Abdullah, who ran for 126 yards on Saturday. He didn’t quite get to 310 yards to break the 1,000 mark, but he still showed his wealth of talent. He’s now sixth in the nation in rushing yards, and only two of the top 10 have a higher yards-per-carry average. I don’t want to get ahead of myself…but some strong performances down the stretch could earn some Heisman whispers for this guy next year. I like this idea, so I’m going to start promoting it now.

Purdue-ians might disagree, especially Boilermaker defensive back Ricardo Allen:

“We played really well on first and second downs. It was third downs that we need to look inside and tell ourselves that we want to execute better than the person in front of us. It didn’t come off of their execution, it came off of us and not making our plays or executing ourselves. At the end of the day, we need to practice better and then execute better, because everything they did was on the film.”

This could be troublesome! If we aren’t doing anything different except for the things that work, whatever shall we do now?! HIGH-FIVE OURSELVES.


“High five Imani! No? GOOD JOB KENNY!!”

This might be what’s keeping Nebraska out of the AP Polls. There’s no point in breaking it down further. Plenty of people have done so and I’m tired of hearing it. Instead, an exclusive look at the sportswriters that determine these kinds of things.

No one said any of this had to make sense.

Follow me on twitter at @BlackshirtFresh.

Preview: Nebraska at Purdue

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Purdue banner

Nebraska will march in to Purdue’s Ross-Ade Stadium looking to break the Boilermaker’s series winning streak that dates back to 1958, when the Huskers lost 28-0. It’s time to derail this train… Purdue’s 1-0 winning record against the Cornhuskers is under severe threat.

Why? Because Ameer Abdullah, that’s why. I’m just speculating here, but if he can run a lot, maybe a country mile – or 310 yards to be exact – he’ll be the first rusher over 1,000 yards this season. This is mainly due to the fact that anyone else within range plays later in the day… but it would also be an incredible feat. He’d have to break Roy Helu Jr.’s single-game record of 307 yards. I say, why not go for it? Purdue is allowing a ton of yards per game. This makes a ton of sense. I’m not saying it will happen, but I want it to happen.

For those that don’t know, a boilermaker is a drink that consists of beer and whiskey.* If the Purdue-ians drink enough the night before the game, or during, the team will likely look like it has much of this season. AWFUL.

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“Jimminy Cricket, get off of me and get me a goddamn walker.”

It’s that kinda shit up that lost the job for fifth-year senior Rob Henry. He might be a fifth-year senior citizen. His hairline is better at fading than any of his receivers.

Sure, I know Purdue put up a fight against Notre Dame, but that’s more of a testament to ND’s shittiness than Purdue’s excellence competency success … luck. Purdue has the 8th worst offense in the FBS by way of yards. 7th worst by way of yards per game. 11th worst by way of points per game. 8th worst by way of rushing yards per game. 12th worst by way… OH WHO AM I KIDDING THEY SUCK SO MUCH. IF WE ALLOW MORE THAN 300 YARDS THIS GAME I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.

Their leading rusher, Akeem Hunt, is averaging…38.6 yards per game! Ameer farts and gains more yardage than that. So the ball won’t be in the hands of the Rush Master Hunt, nor will Rob Henry be the guy to take the Boilermakers to their grave. It’s this guy!

dm_120718_elite_11_danny_etling

Danny Etling is almost 15 years old, and is expecting to enter the tail end of puberty sometime before his junior year. In 2.5 quarters of play this year, Etling threw for 241 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 2 interceptions. Purdue QBs have thrown three pick-sixes so far. What does this translate to? SJB TOUCHDOWN!!

The Husker secondary is improving, and with Purdue’s run offense akin to a corpse, this should bode quite well for the Huskers.

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“Fuck. What the fuck coach? I think this kid is my son. How many interceptions does he need to throw in the first quarter before I get back out there? Three? Got it.”

Considering the following photo and Etling’s incredible posture, I’m fairly certain Henry will get another shot under center…

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“MOOOOMM The big kids are making fun of me.”
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“WOO! Early-bird special is coming back!”

It seems fitting that he may start again, as Rob is still holding on to his glory days at QB for the Boilermakers. But nostalgia fades as you enter your Centrum Silver years, so it’s time to relish the memories.

Leading the way to what, exactly? IHOP!!! (It’s important to note that Rob Henry’s girlfriend is NOT a senior citizen. She’s actually quite a looker. Either chicks dig old guys, or she’s after his trust fund. Gold digger.)

All of this … boils down to what should be a disappointing day for the Purdue fans. The photo in this post’s banner (above) is from a common sight around Ross-Ade Stadium. Apparently the fans enjoy partying, but are not so keen on football.

Purdue-Fan
“Martha! Put that shit away before you stank up the place and send the other six fans out of here…”
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“DAMMIT MARTHA! You gone dun it again!”

So. How shall the Huskers ensure an ever-dwindling crowd this Saturday at 11 fucking AM? First, we have Tommy Armstrong Jr. show Doogie Howser up there how to be a quality freshman QB. Then, we counteract one former QB that has a receding hairline with a current wideout that has an ever-growing and entrancing afro.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bell. What kind of glorious catch will he end up with this week? What exactly will he catch?!

Kenny Bell e
You just never know what kind of things you’ll find in there…

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh.

*It’s also the name of someone who welds and constructs boilers. This was non-conducive to the post, so I left it out. Why their logo is a train makes little sense. At least Purdue Pete has a hardhat.

Recap: Nebraska vs. Illinois – For Whom the Bell Tolls

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Well, Nebraska is still unranked in the AP poll, but the coaches bumped the Huskers up one spot to 24. This makes me think we are not getting the respect we deserve!

We clearly have a competent backup QB, looking all pass-efficient and shit. Even with winds gusting up to 30 miles an hour, Tommy Armstrong Jr. needed only 8 completions to rack up 135 passing yards. What a guy! He politely declined advances to impede his would-be tacklers.

Polite Tommy

Seriously, an absolute doll.

Granted, 37 of those yards came from the one-handed Kenny Bell catch-and-run for a touchdown. AFRO THUNDER! It was such a thing of beauty, he drew an unsportsmanlike conduct after the TD. I’m convinced that Kenny’s celebration, a fairly common “hushing” of the crowd, was not where the call originated. The refs were so blown away by Kenny’s athleticism, they determined it was unsportsmanlike for him to be that much better than the Illini secondary. It was just so heavenly.

Kenny Heavenly

After the catch, he went another 20 yards for the TD. Everyone celebrated, but Kenny was so concerned with the noise level in the stadium and some people’s fragile eardrums, he shushed the crowd. Again, just another gentlemanly soul on the Huskers.  Here’s the whole thing below, minus the heavenly light. The video cameras can’t catch those kinds of things.

And how about the defense, eh? Giving up 372 yards isn’t great, but it’s still better than how the Huskers have been trending. Nebraska is giving up a lot of first downs – so many that they’re ranked 107 in the nation in opponent first downs. It’s ugly. But only allowing 19 points (17 on while the D was on the field) shows an improvement in later downs, right? WE ARE GETTING BETTER PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THIS, AP.

And last but not least, the beast, Ameer Abdullah. The guy had 225 yards rushing , 2 rushing touchdowns, and a 15-yard reception. Talk about a top performer! He’s 7th in the nation with 690 yards, and that’s after giving up some carries to Imani Cross and Terrell Newby. Yeah yeah, I know that all teams do that, but I’d like to think if he was the only RB we were using he’d have like 2000 yards by now. Sure his five TDs look paltry compared with Jahwan Edwards’ 10, but Imani Cross The Goal Line (sometimes the wrong one) is sniping some deep red zone carries. He’s already racked up six TDs! I have no doubt that Ameer will get his due, though. He’s just too good.

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Hi T.J! Look at my hand. Nice logo, eh? Kthxbye, it’s touchdown time.

After all this, Nebraska is still unranked in the AP poll, and it’s going to bite us in the ass. As we look down the stretch, there are some pretty solid games ahead of  us. Dramatic games. Exciting games. Northwestern, Michigan, and Michigan State pose the biggest threat. And maybe Penn State, but their defensive woes are starting to come to a head.

MSU still doesn’t have a super convincing offense, but their D pretty much knows what to do. Northwestern and Michigan scare me. They’re potent teams all around, and Northwestern gave OSU a bit of a scare this past weekend. The 10-point loss doesn’t paint the full picture, as the game could have easily ended 34-30 for OSU or 37-34 NW. Shit was getting real, and Northwestern is real.

I don’t even want to bother trying to break down Michigan. They managed to pull out a couple of squeakers, but I get the feeling their offense is getting ready to make a lot of teams miserable.

Nebraska needs to beat Northwestern (19)and Michigan (18) if it has any hope of getting into the B1G Championship. Even beating those two teams, going in unranked after relative softies Purdue and Minnesota will not be convincing enough for the polls to put us anywhere near the top 10.

The Huskers need an essential dismantling of their next two opponents, and then take down Northwestern and Michigan in order. UGH. Even then, I’d estimate we end up ranked somewhere around 13, should most of the ranks remain unfucked. Of course, it’s college football, anything could happen. Should Nebraska win through Nov. 9 (at Michigan – OMG IT’S GOING TO BE SO HARD), they’ll be expected to win out, and if any of those games come down to the wire, it’ll be attributed to the Huskers being Huskers.

It’s a long way out, but Nebraska needs to get back up in the ranks, and the best way to do that is to wallop Purdue this weekend. And then I’ll continue stressing about the AP and impending BCS ranks because that’s what I obsess over for no goddamn reason at all. After that, we can just piss all over the competition.

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh.

Preview: Nebraska vs. Illinois

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Illinois Template Banner

NEBRASKA FOOTBALL IS BACK! CONFERENCE PLAY IS STARTING! WOOOO IT’S TIME FOR BIG RED FOOTBALL!!

One weekend without the Huskers was fucking dreadful. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My apartment has never been so clean! I exercised. I EXERCISED! I was so upset, I didn’t even stress eat. Do you know how stressful it is to not stress eat when delicious straight-from-Mexico Mexican food is three blocks from your apartment?

But then Lady Blackshirt surprised me with tickets to the Gin Blossoms for a belated birthday gift and all was right with the world (see, it’s OK to live in the 90s a bit, Husker fans). It was even better when I found out the next morning that Lane Kiffin got fired so hard that he wasn’t even allowed to sully his campus one more time.

Hang on…

LOLOLOLOLOLOL HAHAHAHAHAHA JAJAJAJAJAJAJA OI!OI!OI!OI!OI!OI!OI!OI!

Back to our regular scheduled programming:

Our boys have had a weekend off to rejuvenate, practice, spend some time at the spa… things that should translate into a win on Saturday against Illinois. The Illinois Fighting Illini. The. Fighting. Illini. Here I thought SDSU’s choice of Jackrabbits was absurd.

The university chose  “Illini” because of something with the student newspaper sometime around the Civil War era. It’s not really clear, but football teams should not be named after student newspapers. Student newspapers have notoriously stupid names.

Then, because the name really meant nothing, (people from Illinois are called Illinoisans), they added “Fighting” to the name during WWI, decades later. The idea was noble: It represents those from Illinois who fought and died during WWI. “Other wars be damned! World War I is the only one that matters!”

YOU CAN’T RETROACTIVELY CHANGE YOUR SHITTY MEANS-NOTHING NAME SOME 20 YEARS LATER AND HOPE NO ONE WILL NOTICE THAT IT STILL MEANT NOTHING AND YOU MADE UP A WORD TO REPRESENT YOURSELVES.

You don’t even have a mascot anymore because the one you came up with was offensive, ill-advised, and irrelevant. Some two or three decades later you decided you needed a mascot and in a not-so-shocking display of ineptitude, you fucked it up.

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Look at this smug fucking fool. Why the fuck are there Costa Rican flags on your face? ILLINOIS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE.

You used actual Sioux clothing to shroud a student who portrayed a made up person – Chief Illiniwek – in an attempt to honor the Native American culture of your state. Actual tribe members got so mad that you had to give the traditional clothing back because you disgraced it. Now you can’t even use your Halloween costumes because your own school deemed your incongruous mascot too much of a shit stain on the face of your school.

Besides all that, YOU FORGOT YOUR REVISED MADE-UP-WORD-NAME REPRESENTS THE AMERICAN SOLDIERS OF YOUR STATE NOT AMERICAN INDIANS. Nice try, imbeciles. You are bad at names and you are bad at mascots.

We are all hoping that you’ll be bad at sports on Saturday, too. Namely football.

You see, Lincoln is susceptible to high winds on Saturday. You know what that means? Your passing game becomes less of a factor. Your run game isn’t that good. It’s middle of the road, but barely. Without a passing game, you’ll have to rely on the run. Because Nebraska’s defense has vastly improved these past two weeks (*crosses fingers*), you’re in trouble. Especially if we know it’s coming.

If you’re banking on the wind dying down, we have provisions to still ruin your day.

The best part? Take away Nebraska’s passing game and you get one of the best rushing squads in the nation. We are averaging 110 more rushing yards per game than you Illini honkies. We have Abdullah, Cross, Newby…a trio of backs that want nothing to do with your defensive schemes.

Don’t forget you’ll get a first-hand look the future of Nebraska: Tommy “The Touchdown Train” Armstrong!

Taylor Martinez is nursing his turfy toe for another week. The general consensus is that no one wants him on the field if he isn’t 100%, and that makes sense. We will likely need his run threat and cannon arm later down the stretch. Get him back to health, then back on the field. No need to… rush him.

Additionally, Armstrong can run. He’s no slouch. He’s no Tom Brady! He is mobile. Armstrong. Legstrong. Same thing!

This weekend will be a fun little window into what the future of Nebraska holds. A young quarterback with high expectations and a skill set to meet those expectations? Sign me up! And I won’t complain one bit if RK3 comes in and kicks some ass, too. Sometimes you have to share the wealth. As long as we don’t burn Johnny Stanton The Fourth’s redshirt, I won’t be upset. (He’s gotta be some sort of royalty with a name like that, right?). Besides, he is WAY too handsome to be used when he can’t be the face of our beloved program.

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Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh.