Monthly Archives: September 2014

Preview: Miami at Nebraska

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The U at the N. It’s storied, it’s exciting, it’s classic. It will also rip my beating heart from my chest and poo poo on it. Even if/when we win, I’ll be sitting there with my head in my hands, freaking the fuck out. Unless it’s a total blowout. Then I’ll be drunk.

Whether we win or lose, lets just talk about Fuck Miami. Miami is one of those things that people think is cool if they’ve never been. Miami Vice is what we call the dingleberry at work that keeps his shirt buttoned down to his navel, to show off is cancer-booth tan. He’s never been to Miami. He likes this nickname. The name comes from people who think he’s a waste of flesh, and who have lost some of their time on this world to Miami. The connection is clear. Miami is pretentious enough to love itself without ever really indulging itself in itself. Miami is the inception of being shitty.

Miami is located on the head of America’s limp phallus, which makes sense because Miami is full of a bunch of dickheads, and Florida is full of a bunch of geriatrics that can’t get erect without a popsicle stick and half a roll of duct tape.

Also, Miami is known for their astounding cocaine consumption, and cocaine impotence is a real thing. THE CONNECTIONS ARE JUST TOO REAL.

This week’s game is our first measuring stick this season. McNeese State doesn’t count because that was a metric ruler that turned into a 30-foot measuring tape, and it really should have just been us winning a “Who has a bigger dick contest” by about 16 inches.

We’ll see the true penetrative depth of our defense (Randy Gregory dick joke here) and the efficiency of our offense, which has stumbled a few times – much like the drunken club girls making their way back to the Miami U dorm rooms.

The real issue here: Our O-Line needs to act like they fucking care that we have a Heisman candidate on the god damn field. Gone are the days when we can sit back and relax and rely on the line to open up a hole. You’d swear they’ve never seen a playbook before.

From here on out, every play: AMEER.

Not only is he a killer ballplayer, but he looks fucking sharp. Can’t argue with a man that fashionable.

Follow me on twitter: @Blackshirtfresh

Preview: Nebraska at Fresno State

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Well last week’s win was barely a win, but a win is a win, no matter how you get it or who it’s against. Right? The good news is that I predicted long ago that the Huskers would lose only one game this year and it would be to McNeese State.

Good news! Since we snuck by McNeese, we can rest easy knowing we will win out. Starting with Fresno State.

Fresno, the glorious, cow-shit odiferous city that gave us Warren Zevon (RIP you beautiful crooning lyrical master) and Richard Kiel (RIP you monstrous terror) went and fucked it all up by giving us Kevin Federline (RIP Britney Spears’ integrity).

Fresno giveth, Fresno taketh it all the fuck away in one fell swoop.

If Fontana is the armpit of California, Fresno is the space between the sweaty ballsack and hairy thigh of California. I won’t even stop there to grab a coffee. I was on a four-day camping trip about two hours north of Fresno. We hadn’t showered, we were covered in dirt, we smelled like we spent four days hiking in 90-degree heat without a shower. But we still didn’t smell as bad as Fresno. So I won’t stop for coffee, and I won’t stop for a shower. I’ll rot in my own filth for another four hours, a half hour of which is spent with zero AC in the dead of summer as we drive over the Grapevine (a big dumb hill for the non-Californians) just to avoid seven minutes in that city.

Speaking of non-Californians, let me apologize on behalf of everyone in CA for anyone who is traveling to the Golden State for the first time and they are stuck going to Fresno. Extend your trip, come to LA, we will have a great time.

Not to mention, their football team is as bad as the city smells…this year. In recent years they’ve posted some pretty nice records. But in two games this year they’ve already managed to rack up as many loses as they did last year (the Bulldogs were 11-2 last year).

What I’m saying is that if my entire family is making the 4-hour turnaround trip to watch the Huskers, we better not lose. Losing is not an option. WE HAVE AMEER ABDULLAH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

Fresno is giving up points like K-Fed has given up exercise, and they’re scoring even less than he does. After last week’s near stumble, there is reason to doubt we will come in and roll, but that might also be the motivation for us to flatten the Bulldogs. Steamroll them. EUTHANIZE THE BULLDOGS.

Basically, I can’t fucking wait. I’ll be there, decked out, and in a cob hat. It will have a GoPro on it. It’s a CobCam. If you see me, come make a cameo. Have a drink. I’ll be with my crazy, drunk family, and you can be part of us. We welcome one and all.

We also have an extra ticket. If you’d like it, inquire within. You can hang with my crazy, drunk, fun family.

Folllow me at @Blackshirtfresh.

Peace, love, and out of conference wins.

McNeese State at Nebraska

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Well, last week was fun! Any other team laying down a rout against their opponent and it’s nap time, but I drank until the glorious end of the Huskers last week. It was like they were playing a mildly better Louisiana-Lafayette! Considering Florida Atlantic thought (still think?) they were going to come in and win the game, I’d say we were lucky to make it out with as many points as we did!

So what’s next? McNeese State. A school that apparently managed to win 10 games last year, as opposed to FAU’s 6, so they should be able to put up a bit more of a fight. But where the hell is McNeese? I’ve heard of plenty of the United States of America, but McNeese is a new one. It’s not even on Joey Tribbiani’s list of the 56 states!

McNeese State, former stomping grounds of Kerry Joseph, a CFL quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos. They can’t be that great, right? For one, they are terribly unoriginal. The school goes by the Cowboys, and if I remember correctly, there’s about  60 other teams in college football that go by that name. For two, they didn’t do well in 2002 when the Huskers took down the Cowboys 38-14. Jammal Lord set some records that day, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we see some more records broken on Saturday.

I can’t imagine it going any other way, despite Randy Gregory’s lame knee keeping him sidelined. I don’t think he even got hurt on an action play. I just assume his dong unfurled and it accidentally hit his knee. Anyhow, if there’s a game he can miss, it’s this one.

The Red Storm will swell again, drenching its opponents in a sea of bloody redness. I don’t even care if it’s real blood, as long as it’s not coming from any Husker bodies. I’m just hoping it gets ugly.

McNeese State

That’s pretty much all I have for this week. I didn’t research McNeese, I didn’t care. Work was out of control, the love life is out of commission, and at this point I’m out of beer. This will not be the case come tomorrow, 9 AM PST. I will be at the bar, probably drunk by McNeese’s first three-and-out. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be at the beach 4 hours later, and much, much drunker.

Suck it McNeese.

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh.