Category Archives: Kenny Bell

The Dog Days of Nebraska

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So we have jack shit going on this week, but I have the time and the energy, so here comes the post no one knew they needed. Bye weeks are always a bit of a bore, but it seems it’s much needed after Nebraska’s loss last week. Here we go…

Presenting: Our Favorite Huskers As Dogs

Tunnel Walk

Almost as cute at the real thing.

Bo Pelini

Bo, and whoever done fucked up.

Soft Bo. Warm Bo. Happy Bo.

John Papuchis

“I got this, I got this”

The Blackshirts

“You’re going nowhere.”

Randy Gregory

SACKED

Jake Cotton

Wobble Wobble Wobble

Mark Pelini

Hut hut…………………………..hike.

Terrell Newby

Such an eager n00b!

Tommy Armstrong

Full of deception. Fumblerooski works every time. Look at that lane he opened up.

DeMornay Pierson-El

Weavin’ and weavin’.

Imani Cross

Pure, muscular terror.

Jordan Westerkamp

What. An. Athlete.

Ameer Abdullah

“Outta my way bitches. I have an endzone to catch.”

“You too.”

Last but not least… Kenny Bell

Kenny Bell is the king of cool.

Follow me on twitter for the hardest hitting news: @blackshirtfresh

Preview: Nebraska at Fresno State

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Well last week’s win was barely a win, but a win is a win, no matter how you get it or who it’s against. Right? The good news is that I predicted long ago that the Huskers would lose only one game this year and it would be to McNeese State.

Good news! Since we snuck by McNeese, we can rest easy knowing we will win out. Starting with Fresno State.

Fresno, the glorious, cow-shit odiferous city that gave us Warren Zevon (RIP you beautiful crooning lyrical master) and Richard Kiel (RIP you monstrous terror) went and fucked it all up by giving us Kevin Federline (RIP Britney Spears’ integrity).

Fresno giveth, Fresno taketh it all the fuck away in one fell swoop.

If Fontana is the armpit of California, Fresno is the space between the sweaty ballsack and hairy thigh of California. I won’t even stop there to grab a coffee. I was on a four-day camping trip about two hours north of Fresno. We hadn’t showered, we were covered in dirt, we smelled like we spent four days hiking in 90-degree heat without a shower. But we still didn’t smell as bad as Fresno. So I won’t stop for coffee, and I won’t stop for a shower. I’ll rot in my own filth for another four hours, a half hour of which is spent with zero AC in the dead of summer as we drive over the Grapevine (a big dumb hill for the non-Californians) just to avoid seven minutes in that city.

Speaking of non-Californians, let me apologize on behalf of everyone in CA for anyone who is traveling to the Golden State for the first time and they are stuck going to Fresno. Extend your trip, come to LA, we will have a great time.

Not to mention, their football team is as bad as the city smells…this year. In recent years they’ve posted some pretty nice records. But in two games this year they’ve already managed to rack up as many loses as they did last year (the Bulldogs were 11-2 last year).

What I’m saying is that if my entire family is making the 4-hour turnaround trip to watch the Huskers, we better not lose. Losing is not an option. WE HAVE AMEER ABDULLAH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.

Fresno is giving up points like K-Fed has given up exercise, and they’re scoring even less than he does. After last week’s near stumble, there is reason to doubt we will come in and roll, but that might also be the motivation for us to flatten the Bulldogs. Steamroll them. EUTHANIZE THE BULLDOGS.

Basically, I can’t fucking wait. I’ll be there, decked out, and in a cob hat. It will have a GoPro on it. It’s a CobCam. If you see me, come make a cameo. Have a drink. I’ll be with my crazy, drunk family, and you can be part of us. We welcome one and all.

We also have an extra ticket. If you’d like it, inquire within. You can hang with my crazy, drunk, fun family.

Folllow me at @Blackshirtfresh.

Peace, love, and out of conference wins.

Gotta Have Faith: Florida Atlantic at Nebraksa

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Because I have somehow manage to not look at the actual date on the calendar in the last couple of weeks, I’m a bit behind on my goals for this post and this blog in general. I had huge plans for this site, all of which never came to fruition. I mean, what can you expect? It was only 8.5 months since the bowl game, I got a new position that requires travel, and I perfected my golf game.

Clearly I had bigger fish to fry.

So this is more of an overview of the season, with some jabs at Florida Atlantic thrown in. Besides taking a Conference USA team to task for an entire 800 words before the opener is akin to a pregame show for a linebacker bullying the school band’s tuba player. Sure, the tuba guy will get in a few hits now and then, but we all know who’s waltzing out of there and who limps out bloody and bruised.

Usually around this time of year, I find myself pretty confident. Only a few weeks ago I wrote:

But it seems since then I’ve had what you’d call a crisis of faith, which is great because I’ve always wanted one of those. It’s not just with Husker football, but more like everything just seems a little “blah” lately. Without airing my dirty laundry, life has just been lacking pizzaz.

Then I started reading some more articles. (And boy did I lot to catch up on. This new position at work requires me to actually work while I’m in the office  – like…who the fuck actually does that? – and I’ve had no time to keep up with my boys in red.)

I started making plans for various weekends. I started combing through my closet for my Husker shirts. I dusted off that old corn cob hat. I watched the Kellogg to Westerkamp hail Mary and holy shitballs you bet all your fine asses I’ve got my faith back in the Huskers this year. I am PUMPED. Lets go all in. Lets make this season worthwhile. I will have faith in this team until they give me reason not to. I will have faith in this team until it runs that faith into a blender and they collectively shit it out all over me with the fury of week-old spicy Indian food erupting from the bowels of a French Bulldog. And then I’ll find a reason to have faith the next week, because I’ll be damned if I really do lose it.

I’m back to where I was before, choreographing my touchdown and national championship dances. I’ve got my moves, and I’m ready to show them off.

The road to me making these dance moves public starts Saturday, against some Florida school. Should I be more pacific? It’s Florida Atlantic University, and thank god they spelled it out for us or else I’d never know who the fuck we are playing.

states_imgmap

 

So FAU comes flying in, and this school is at least vaguely familiar to 95% of Husker fans because it was once home to the Danny DeVito of the Pelini clan. Unfortunately Carl was booted and to elaborate would be plucking low-hanging fruit that’s dangling closer to the ground than the tip of Randy Gregory’s dong. That’s real low.

Now there’s really no hope for FAU to come in and win, since their only insight into the Huskers’ high-powered offense is combing the Missed Connections page on Craigslist. Kenny Bell is going to be flowing and froing his way into the end zone, Imani Cross will be crossing all sorts of boundaries, and Tommy Armstrong will be, well…strong arming his opponents into sucking.

And lets face it. Bringing Ameer Abdullah to this game is like bringing an uzi-wielding 9 year old to a knife fight.

Follow me on twitter because talkin’ shit is fun: @blackshirtfresh.

 

Recap: Nebraska at Penn State

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It almost happened. Karma almost came back to bite us, but it didn’t.

As I mentioned before the game, I was nervous that there’d be some sort of retribution from last year’s goal line fumble. The refs tried SO hard. So so hard. But in the end, it played out alright, I’d say.

It was apparently very cold.

Are you SURE about that Lanny?

Someone won’t be happy.

“But MOOOM, all the other kids get to go to the game!”

If these guys can do it, so can Bill.i

(As of publication, these two were still trying to unfurl their testes, lodged firmly between their livers and spleens.)

I guess there are worse places to be…

You’ll never be president with a mouth like that, young lady!

Way to jinx it.

“Yeah, GO NITT! BEAT CORN.” I’d rather eat corn.

It’s games like this, when it’s cold and windy apparently, that something very little can have a sweeping impact on the game later. In this case…

Hipster hate! Hating before it was cool to hate.

You should have maybe hoped harder.

Of course, the game did come down to that goal post, but not without some drama.

There was Quincy Enunwa’s touchdown catch that made everyone go “fuck yeah.”

And then takes the lead with a made PAT. LOL.

Then Nebraska did something that we NEVER see. A BLOCKED PUNT.

See. You didn’t believe me, but I told you!

Of course, it took the punter dropping the snap to get us out there, but hey…I’ll take it.

You should be sorry. you should ALL be ashamed of yourselves. There was an immeasurable amount of tweets that followed that same format.

How about ButterWORTHLESS?! Eh, eh.

(I’m really sad that didn’t get more love during the game. I thought I was so clever.)

Sadly, after coming up with some stellar field position, Ameer Abdullah fumbled. We got bit by the fumblebug.

Cue* – Ain’t nobody got time to translate your spanglish!

Thanks a lot BOBAMA.

So instead of a 14-6 lead (AHAHA MISSED PAT) at halftime, Nebraska went in only up 7-6.

So some shit happened, Penn State scored…AND THEN KENNY HAPPENED.

99*

Atta kid.

WHOA. Lot going on there.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. CAN YOU PEOPLE GET ANY WORSE?

I shouldn’t have asked…

You’re welcome, asshat. Keep in mind that shush there at the end. It comes back into play later.

Besides, he had the best photo of the day.

STARE AT IT STARE AT IT STARE AT IT.

*FAINTS*

More stuff happened, and then the CALL happened. With Nebraska down 20-17, Ameer tore off a touchdown run to only have it called back after a phantom penalty call. OMG it’s the karma.

OOO Dog face. Shots fired!

 

*SIGH*

The refs just can’t make it easy. After my careful and expert review, I determined that the penalty was a bit of BS. Sam Burtch made an insurance block, and that Penn State defender looks like he would have fallen over if there was a hot fart directed at him, let alone a half-assed block. That was a football play. Nothing other. Poor Ameer.

Nebraska, fumbled and Sam Burtch recovered it, keeping the Huskers’ hopes alive and simultaneously redeeming himself for something he didn’t need to redeem. A field goal, and a couple of punts later and we are headed to OVERTIME!!!

MAAAYBE he can redeem himself.

Such grammar.

Man, you guys are brutal. I’d like to see you get out there and do that.

Or Pat Smith.

Penn State held the Huskers on three downs, forcing a field goal to win. But of course it would not be that easy. Enter, referees.

Such. High hopes.

That’s because it was colder than a witch’s titty that night. But I bet he had Natty Ice running through his veins later! WOOOO.

Enter angry  Penn State:

High-quality shit talking here…

WELL IT WAS COLD. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

He wanted to hear the congratulatory praise from his teammates and your stadium was too loud for him to hear.

But he did. And he didn’t even HAVE to put his finger to his lips. He put the ball through the uprights, and that’s what counted.

If anything shushed Penn State, it was that whooshing sound of the Ficken’s missed field goal only a few minutes earlier. OOO BURN.

Enter Nebraska’s week 13 darling:

HAHAHA I CRACK MYSELF UP SO HARD. No really, though. Here he is. You can continue to crucify the guy above for all I care.

Atta boy Pat. You keep wooing them ladies!

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh

Preview: Nebraska at Penn State

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The way this season is going, I can’t help but feel there’s going to be some sort of karmic retribution for the lack of “indisputable evidence” that may or may not have changed the momentum (and outcome) in last year’s Memorial Stadium matchup.

That was tight end Matt Lehman (possibly) crossing the goal line, but also (possibly) fumbling. The ruling on the field was a fumble, and there was not enough evidence to reverse the call. If Lehman had scored, it puts Penn State up 30-27. Granted, with 8:57 left, who knows how it would have played out. Nebraska still could have scored a field goal or touchdown in later drives. But it didn’t come down to that, and it took away something important. Momentum.

The elusive MOMENTUM. It can be quite fleeting. That’s why I’m worried.

I don’t know if I’d say I’m paranoid, but I feel like Carl Pelini on a Saturday night in Margaritaville. That call, while never fully resolved, has GOT to bite us in the ass at some point.

Some would say it’s payback for the 1982 sideline catch that gave Penn State the opportunity to win that game, and head to the National Championship, giving the Huskers their only loss of the season and keeping them from playing for the title. The ref crew admitted it was the wrong call. Even more oddly, Nebraska won out convincingly, with only one close game with #11 Oklahoma. Huskers won 28-24. A #3 Big Red beat #13 LSU 21-20 in the Orange Bowl. That pass also involved a tight end. What is it with those guys?

It could be argued that Penn State maybe didn’t deserve the #2 rank (they didn’t), especially after being trounced by Alabama the week after the win that wasn’t supposed to be a win over Nebraska. Ugh. I wasn’t even born and I’m still pissed about that.

All because of the Crooked Sideline. That field is trying SO hard to be Oklahoma.

Some would say last year’s phantom fumble was payback for the 1994 AP National Championship. Both teams were undefeated, but the title was not shared. No one knows why. More clusterfuck, as usual in College Football.

But that doesn’t work. See, in 1982 and 2012, it were the refs that had the deciding call. Not in 1994. That was something entirely out of the actual game. It doesn’t count. That retribution is still waiting in the wings.

What are we looking at for this matchup?

Hope for some of this…

Because that’s HILARIOUS.

See, even Beliebers (?) think that’s funny.

And apparently, there’s an an acting school at Penn State. Or diving. BALLET. That’s a hell of a pirouette.

WHAT THE HELL BUTTERWORTH.

I feel you, bro.

Honestly, I’m going to be real bummed if there is not an abundance of syrup, South Park, and general margarine  jokes about this guy. It’s his last game at Beaver Stadium! Talk some smack.

Speaking of…I hate that it’s Beaver Stadium and their name is Nittany Lions. I know it’s named after the former Pennsylvania governor James A. Beaver, and he was also a trustee, yadda yadda. His name really should have been James A. Nittany Lion if he wanted so badly to get his name on the stadium. LIONS PROBABLY EAT BEAVERS.

Anyway… Hopefully the Huskers don’t have it too hard this weekend. I mean, look at these guys.

OMG LOOK AT THEM THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS LIKE A BUNCH OF SALLIES. THIS GAME IS GOING TO BE SOOOOO EASY! HAHAHAHA

…Wait. That’s a thing? LIke a real thing? A SOLIDARITY THING? THEY ARE SO SOLID THEY HOLD HANDS?! Oh man. Can’t wait for karma to start out with that blunder.

Don’t worry guys. Handsome Ameer has this, karma or not.

Of course that’s preposterous. There’s no way he goes for fewer than 400.

Follow me on Twitter because I will probably be drunk and tweeting in ALL CAPS a lot. @blackshirtfresh

Recap: Nebraska vs. Michigan State

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Oy vey.

The most important thing we Nebraska fan’s learned after Saturday’s unravelling against Michigan State is that it’s going to be a long time before turnovers are a thing of the past.

The most important thing college football learned after Saturday’s game is that the hype surrounding MSU’s defense is undeserved, at the least.

They’re good, but not great. They aren’t the defensive juggernaut that analysts and journalists verbally fellate.

Three turnovers on the FIRST THREE POSSESSIONS has got to be some kind of record at Nebraska.

Ohhhh boy. Here we go. I’ll let my friends help explain this to you.

PLUS HE WAS LOOKING STRAIGHT IN THE SUN.

…of your ass. I assume that’s what she meant. Tommy Armstrong had Sam Burch wide open on the sideline. Ugh. Mental error.

They did. THEY DID! How awesome is that?

On to the next one.

So sad. He’ll be back. He’s young. He’ll learn.

This inflates stats and drums up hype. Kurtis made the tackle. There was no ball contact. Westerkamp let his arm and ball leave his body creating an opportunity to fumble the ball. An opportunity that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Westerkamp fielded that punt at the 8-yard line. He should have let it go, and it hopefully bounces into the end-zone. Even if he doesn’t do that, he should fair-catch that fuckin’ thing because he was about to get drilled.

Let the punt roll, no fumble. Fair-catch, no fumble. Two mistakes led to the fumble mistake. An error in execution, if you will.

These are not forced turnovers. These are what I like to call collective fuckery.

Tommy fumbled two more times, and of course, only one of those was forced.

This is correct.

This too.

NO NO NO NO NO. You’re only half right. Calhoun caused the fumble. A lack of execution caused the others.

I just face-palmed so hard I broke my nose.

So what about the last fumble? Nebraska the proud new owner of a buttfumble.

Pregnancy, much like fumbling, cannot be blamed on you if you pull out early enough. Remember that, guys.

Cole Pensick mis-timed his movement. TA2 pulled out early. It created the fumble fucker. This was on our own 1-yard line. Sparty recovered on the 3, and scored on the next play. It was inevitable. It’s not a stretch of the imagination that even a wonky defense can score from three yards out.

In conclusion: MSU’s defensive stats, and points after turnovers (24), were handed to them. The starting field position for each score after a turnover? Nebraska’s 40, 22, 8, and 3. All resulted in a touchdown except for the drive that started on the 40, which resulted in a field goal after 12-yard drive.

The interception in the first quarter led to a drive that started on the Nebraska 46 and was moved to the MSU 44 after a holding call. Nebraska still gave up 12 yards, but managed to get the punt. Without that holding call? That’s 3 more points on the board fro MSU. We got “lucky” there.

But MSU was luckier. The defense didn’t do a whole lot to give the MSU the ball all the time. WE did it. We gave up the ball. We gave them the opportunity to pound their chests and boast about the defense. We gave the MSU offense a gazillion chances to show they aren’t incompetent.

Think about this: Nebraska only had the ball for 21 minutes, 23 seconds, and STILL put up 28 points on MSU. WITH A PATCHWORK OFFENSE. Everybody is hurt. The line is held together with spit and glue. We’re torn up.

And THAT Nebraska offense, with so little time and wasting FIVE opportunities on turnovers, still managed to run for 182 yards and pass for 210 yards. No TEAM has rushed for more than 100 yards, and Ameer Abdullah did it with plenty of room to spare.

Only once had anyone rushed for more than 20 yards on one play against MSU, yet Imani Cross had a 51-yard run that resulted in a touchdown, after being touched by a total of zero Spartans. Ameer added another 29-yard run.

Sam Burtch had a touchdown catch of 32 yards after being covered by a total of zero Spartans. Kenny Bell had a touchdown jump-ball catch for 38 yards.

Nebraska took 1:48 to move the ball 75 yards on their last-ditch drive of the game when Ameer scored the last touchdown. With a third-string quarterback.

392 total yards. That’s what MSU gave up. Good. But not great.

All of the above is not characteristic of a team that gets the hype that it does, especially against an offense that’s “not that great.”

In a game with hundreds of What Ifs, lets take a look at one of them. Lets assume the game goes exactly as it did instead of one drive.

What if Tommy doesn’t fumble on the goal line? Lets say that the drive goes exactly as planned, and Nebraska scores. MSU never scores. That’s a 14-point swing. Plus 7 in our favor, minus 7 for MSU. 35-34 Nebraska. Oh, and then that’s 491 yards racked up on the best defense in the country. But the defense didn’t save MSU from giving up those extra 99 yards. That would be NEBRASKA’s miscue.

You can play that scenario with any of the three turnovers that resulted in touchdowns. It’s how the game works though, the mistake cannot be reversed.

What if there were NO turnovers. Or just one? What if the Blackshirts were lights out? What if every turnover resulted in a score for Nebraska. Take 24 points off of MSU. Add anywhere from 15 to 35 points for Nebraska.

This game could have should have gone a million other ways with Nebraska winning. But it didn’t, thanks in no small part to barfy ball handling skills. Nebraska punted 5 times. MSU 7. This makes me think Nebraska’s defense is better than MSU’s, and the numbers show it. But a steadily improving defense is often overlooked when there’s a steadily declining defense whose reputation still resonates for some reason. Hellooooo OSU smoke show.

Some people think otherwise.

Oh fuck it, lets get to the people that agree with me:

From the mouth of babes.

Says anyone that isn’t a Spartan fan.

But the best tweet about this entire situation goes to…

You may have noticed I skipped over the fake field goal attempt. MSU’s “Charlie Brown” that was supposed to be a “Lucy” but actually neither of those because the holder was supposed to read the defense and go through with the kick, but he misread the defense and came up with some Linus bullshit and got the first down.

However, if I’m drunk at a bar in the midafternoon and I can see that field goal coming, the coaches should have too. A coach jacked up on the kool-aid about his stupid fuckin’ defense that has a 6-pt lead in the 4th quarter? Yeah, he’s gonna tell his kids they have the option to fake. And guess what? By their own admission, they shouldn’t have. But they did, we fell for it, and the whole situation on MSU’s sideline became a clusterfuck of inflated defensive egos, amateur psychology, misread defense, and a made-up running route combined to make Nebraska look stupid. It was a collision of mistakes for MSU that became a happy accident.

I’m not bitter though.

Follow me on twitter @blackshirtfresh so you can hear me whine more.

Recap: Nebraska vs. Northwestern

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Saturday, November 2, 2013, will go down in Nebraska folklore as the day that an offensive lineman threw a 49-yard Hail Mary to a young Ron Jeremy to beat Northwestern as time expired.

(And quietly, our main man Ameer Abdullah took the lead for rushing yards in the Big Ten, something I predicted last week. He’s now the 5th leading rusher in the nation. Edit: 6th after Tuesday night’s game, behind by only 15 yards.)

It saved a few jobs…for now. It rejuvenated a fan base…for now.  It made a lot of people happy…for now.

But there were a lot of things that had to wrong before Kellogg-to-Westerkamp reared its beautiful, mustachey head.

Before the game:
1. An ugly loss to UCLA.
2. A Bo Pelini leaked audio  of him cursing the fans.
3. An injured starting QB who was supposed to kick ass, but can’t do that because he may break a toe.
4. A confusing and seemingly  illogical two QB system that doesn’t make much sense to anyone, even Bo.
5. An uglier loss to Minnesota that marred the return of star QB.
6. A pot-smoking, coke-snorting (only once?) former defensive coordinator that is related to our head coach. Oh wait… HAHAHA
7. Questions about the Blackshirts and their ability.
8. The once-named Blackshirts had their Blackshirts taken away.
9. All of the above leading to a disgruntled Husker fan base, on the edge of their seats, and wildly pessimistic.

Gameday:
1. Jamal Turner out.
2. Kenny Bell hurt in the first quarter.
3. A missed field goal
4. Giving up long runs to a 4th (FOURTH ARE YOU KIDDING?!) string running back.
5. Dropped passes
6. FOUR interceptions.

Let’s get down to it. After the first drive, fans went something like this.

Welcomed with positive reviews! Go Tommy!

Oh how quickly the mighty can fall… We needed to keep in mind that despite our good start, we had to keep it into perspective.

Despite my best efforts, no one listened. Northwestern scored on their next possession, forced the Huskers to punt, and then scored again.

That’s pretty neato you have that photo on hand…

Here’s where it got good.

Seriously guys!

And by good, I meant completely unoriginal and repetitive.  Follow those with a missed field goal. Repeat above tweets 10-fold.

Sometime shortly into the second quarter, a Ron Kellogg interception led to a 2-play drive that resulted in a touchdown. 21-7 Northwestern.

Interesting… foreshadowing of something to come.

Reminder: HE WAS FOURTH ON THE DEPTH CHART AT ONE POINT.

Have faith, ye of little faith.

Sorry. Wut? *Points to conference standings.* *Points to 0-4 Northwestern.* *Looks at Joe like he just farted applesauce.*

At least someone is asking the right question. I think I know what is going on here…

Oh, because suddenly we are mind readers… NO ONE CAN SEE YOU POINTING AT YOUR TV YOU DOOFUS AND NO ONE KNOWS YOU’RE AT THE GAME. IN YOUR FIRST TWEET THIS MEANS NORTHWESTERN/NEBRASKA. YOU DIDN’T EVEN MENTION YOU’RE WATCHING OR AT A GAME. HOW ARE YOU A JOURNALIST?

I can just imagine how your conversations regularly go.
Joe: This is cool
Joe’s friend on the phone: What’s cool?
Joe: The thing in my hand!
Joe’s friend on the phone: What the fuck is in your hand?
Joe: THIS!
*click*

On the ensuing drive, Armstrong got some of his mojo back, on a pass to Enunwa.

OH. MY. GOD. That spelling is atrocious. I hope your adviser fails all of you. Especially because this (take notes, Joe, there’s a link there) was your station’s last tweet Saturday. A mere 24 hours later you emerged with no mention of the game. Way to report on the most important thing that happened to your football team you homer. Anyway…

I’d be so mad at this joke if I hadn’t made it before. And later…

That means you don’t want any of your father’s business, and I find that to be an unhealthy relationship. Moving on to more exciting things.

Did you do that on purpose?

Ahhh yes, you must have, Matt. Unless you’re an accidental genius, and in that case whatever.

For America, God dammit! *Cue Lee Greenwood.* “GOD BLESS THE U.S.AAAA!”

Guys! Just you wait. JUST. YOU. WAIT.

The score stayed the same and some stuff happened and then INTERCEPTION.

Basically, no one is happy. I’m facedown in a pile of buffalo sauce and beer, my brother is beating up a homeless man, and the man sitting three down from me is still going on about a missed holding call in the second quarter (one of these is true).

"You mean.... #Jordy?"
“You mean…. #Jordy? But you can call me Jesus if you want.”
“Yeah bro, chill out.
#JordyJesus and I know what we doin’.”

You get your wish.

It just seemed so bleak…

No Taryn. NO. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU.

And then…

HOLY SHIT

EVERYONE LOVES THEM.

EVEN YOU? Like it’s some sort of privilege. Surely he’ll have plenty of ladies to choose from.

See? Already starting.

Mostly dudes… But it seems not everyone was on board.

YOU GO HOME ALEXIS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

And for anyone that was wondering, Westercamp laid it down hard that night…

Kellogg was too happy to be bothering with blow jobs and mustache rides. In his words, he just blacked out and ran.

You guys are so mean… There are benefits.

While some were debating whether Kellogg was fat or just wore thick pads, others were nice.

And of course tides turned.

*Sigh* We are a finicky bunch of folks, that’s for sure.

That’s probably the best idea I’ve heard all week!

But really, what’s important here, is that a lot had to go wrong before we could celebrate as hard and as passionately as we did. A hurt Jamal Turner was replaced by Jordan Westerkamp, a walk-on redshirt freshman. A shaky Tommy Armstrong was pulled at the end of the game. If that missed field goal gets made, it’s possible the Huskers win on a defensive stand, and the Blackshirts revel in the glory. But it’s not the same as a Hail Mary.

Everything leading up to the Hail Mary is what made is special. Sure, an undefeated Husker team would still celebrate a Hail Mary win and the fans would breathe a sigh of relief and still go nuts. But a downtrodden fan base in need of a pick-me-up, a coach possibly on the out, a team full of injuries, a game full of mistakes. It has a different energy. It all makes sense later.

You see what I’m saying? Sometimes you need shitty things to happen in order to enjoy those unique moments. All of those dropped passes, those four interceptions, the missed field goal, the punts…they played an integral part in the making of this story. It all has to go wrong before it goes right.

Even Kellogg played a big part in his own Cinderella story. Say he doesn’t throw that first interception, and the Huskers continue downfield for a touchdown? Suddenly it’s a different game, and a likely ho-hum ending. Or the whole situation is flipped! Northwestern may have won on a Hail Mary. Imagine how we’d feel then. The things we’d say.

We needed those interceptions. We needed Quincy to drop that ball with 4 seconds left. It hurt at the time, but it was a blessing. The Huskers may not have gotten the ball spiked with enough time. They might not have made the field goal. Even if the field goal is made, there’s no guarantee of a win in overtime. But with Kellogg’s pass and Westerkamp’s interception, that W is on the board now and everyone released the powder keg full of tension and anger and sadness and I-could-coach-better-than-Bo claims.

Ron, if you’re fat, then I’m morbidly obese these days. Jordan, you keep rocking the ‘stache. I can’t grow anything like that, so you keep doin’ you. Only you two guys could share that moment. You guys are the ones that made it unique.

So, Ron and Jordan, be proud of yourselves and revel in all of this glory. You deserve it. The team deserves it. The fan base deserves it. We thank you for it. You breathed some life into a lot of people, and maybe some people’s jobs.

Or maybe not…

What about an Our Father?

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh for more long-winded recaps.

Afterthought: Ameer great job you are amazing and you still deserve the Heisman I just got so wrapped up in the hate machine that I didn’t include you and your amazing performance. You’re so good keep it up and next year you’re going to lift that trophy. YAY.

RecAPATHETIC: Nebraska at Minnesota

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The loss on Saturday was devastating. I was at a new bar, making new friends, all hyped up on our sure-win over Minnesota. It was not to be. Nonetheless, I still had it in me to write a recap, knowing there was sure to be good fodder on the Twitter. And then I read Twitter.

That’s the least of the spew that was hurled at Husker football players. Most of it had to do with dropped passes or sucking. I don’t want to draw any more attention to the people who get on a soapbox and berate a bunch of hard-working players that are still JUST KIDS. So I’m hardly writing a damn thing today.

Especially after some fool decided to liken Kenny Bell’s dog, Mox, getting hit by a car to his on-field performance. I could write tens of thousands of words on this subject, so I’ll refrain. It can be best summed up by: You don’t mess with a man’s dog.

This enraged a nation (or at least Twitter nation), and the internet was rife with people showering Kenny and his pup with love and prayers (the pup is now at home and doing well). This made me happy, but no less apathetic about stupid people.

So that’s about all you’re going to get from me. Three days late on the recap and I still just hate people.

To Recap:
1. The Huskers lost.
2. Twitter reacts unkindly, and mostly rudely.
3. Kenny Bell’s dog is hit by a car.
4. Imbecile uses this to tell Kenny he had a bad game, thus infuriating anyone with a brain.
5. Twitter reacts again, this time in support of Kenny.
6. My faith in humanity is restored because of number 5.
7. Search Twitter to write recap.
8. Determine people are assholes.
9. Give up, look toward next week.
10. Weep.

Other notes:
Tunnel Walk of Shame wrote the best article about Husker football this side of 2012.
– Carl Pelini is a pothead.

A closing note: To any one who feels it is their duty to berate, insult, make fun of, or otherwise be rude to a player, censor yourself. Stop yourself. These guys have been working and honing their skills for years on end, and they continue to work on these skills daily. They are constantly striving to get better. They will drop passes, they will fumble, they will stumble. But they are still likely working harder than you at anything you’re currently doing.

If that’s not enough, remember that there was a time that you had to be trained not to shit in your pants (not even a skill – just hygiene), and even that took some of you more than five years. Before you tweet, think back to the days when you ran around the playground with doo-doo smeared on the inside of your Power Ranger overalls and realize you, too, are not above dropping something.

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh for more apathy.

Preview: Nebraska at Minnesota

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NU vs Minn Banner

The Nebraska Conrhuskers roll into TCF Bank Stadium to take on the Minnesota Golden Gophers this weekend. Their fans are expected to almost outnumber Husker fans this year, but judging from the photos above, we can expect these Golden Boys to do at least all of the following:

1. Cry
2. Subtly angle chili cheese burp into blonde girl’s face
3. Get bored
4. Contemplate eating booger picked two quarters ago
5. Regret. Deep, earnest regret.

And who is to blame them? The only thing notable about this stadium is that it holds about half as many fans as Memorial Stadium does, and it’s in the middle of the frozen tundra no one wants to visit. There’s no point in going to Minnesota.

I flew through St. Paul once on my way to Lincoln. My St. Paul to Lincoln flight was cancelled because the airport didn’t have the foresight to know that the construction they were doing for the past two years would cause problems for some outgoing flights and they should have scheduled around it. Instead I was placed on a flight to Omaha 10 FUCKING HOURS LATER. I got so tragically drunk in the TGI Fridays they use to spice up their shithole airport that they almost didn’t let me on the plane. But, once on the plane, I kept my head held high and managed to charm myself into three bite-size bottles of Jack Daniel’s on this non-alcoholic flight. Obviously, not being in Minnesota was the reason I procured them, so I blame all of MN for bad things, and all of NE for good things.

To the stewardess that gave me the Jack, I appreciate you and your massive heart. I imagine your name is Daisy or RosePetal, because you were just so sweet and you smelled like a floral dream. To Buzz (actual name), the uptight, whistle-blowing, no-fun-having, dingleberry waiter at Fridays, you can take your “alcoholic limits” and shove them right up your puckered asshole.

Moving on. Gophers are assholes. They tear up your yard and then scurry away when you try to kill them and then come back right after you’ve fixed it up. Plus, they are ugly as sin.

Northern Pocket Gopher

Look at the claws. Take a good hard look. The claws are twice as long as the teeth. I know some humans do this, but that’s unnatural. THIS IS HOW GOPHERS ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK.

Look at the teeth. Holy shit. Now we know where Minnesota gets it’s color scheme.

This whole thing is made slightly better by the fact that they are golden gophers.

l

Anyone that owns this can be my friend. I love this stuff. It makes absolutely zero sense, and that’s why I love it.

The most important thing about this weekend is the return of our beloved T-Magic!!

T-Magic LOL

Twitter is all a flutter, but for now it’s mostly innocuous babble, stating “Oh noes, Taylor and his toes” or “I can’t wait!”  or “Play Thomas and RG3” or “THE WHOLE SYSTEM IS SHIT AND OUR PROGRAM IS RUINED.” The really good stuff will come in due time, right about when Taylor takes the field for the first time.

I, for one, am excited. A healthy (crosses fingers) T-Magic should be a run threat, opening up the option game and creating even more opportunities to future-Heisman-Trophy winner Ameer Abdullah. With a rumored “getting better every day” defense, I’d like to think Nebraska comes out of this one strong. The Huskers have back-assed their way into the polls, even coming in at 24 in the BCS rank. This surprises me. Finally, the respect we deserve! I can imagine for the team this feels like being some schlep-along band on a major tour that finally gets a 12-pack of Buck Range beer on the sideline. WE H IT THE BIGTIME BOYS.

I’m not going to throw out any lofty expectations here. I have no clue who will start. I haven’t tried to read into Bo’s demeanor or facial ticks that might give some hint to who is getting the starting job. For now it’s a waiting game, and I don’t mind. It’s a bit thrilling, actually, to be on edge and see what happens.

I know one thing is for sure. Once the Magic show does start, this chump (who needs some afro advice from none other than Kenny Bell) is likely to be front row…

"I heard there's supposed to be a magic show here today guys!"
“I heard there’s supposed to be a magic show here today guys!”

Follow me on twitter at @BlackshirtFresh for more unnecessary fan-bashing.

 

Recap: Nebraska vs. Illinois – For Whom the Bell Tolls

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Well, Nebraska is still unranked in the AP poll, but the coaches bumped the Huskers up one spot to 24. This makes me think we are not getting the respect we deserve!

We clearly have a competent backup QB, looking all pass-efficient and shit. Even with winds gusting up to 30 miles an hour, Tommy Armstrong Jr. needed only 8 completions to rack up 135 passing yards. What a guy! He politely declined advances to impede his would-be tacklers.

Polite Tommy

Seriously, an absolute doll.

Granted, 37 of those yards came from the one-handed Kenny Bell catch-and-run for a touchdown. AFRO THUNDER! It was such a thing of beauty, he drew an unsportsmanlike conduct after the TD. I’m convinced that Kenny’s celebration, a fairly common “hushing” of the crowd, was not where the call originated. The refs were so blown away by Kenny’s athleticism, they determined it was unsportsmanlike for him to be that much better than the Illini secondary. It was just so heavenly.

Kenny Heavenly

After the catch, he went another 20 yards for the TD. Everyone celebrated, but Kenny was so concerned with the noise level in the stadium and some people’s fragile eardrums, he shushed the crowd. Again, just another gentlemanly soul on the Huskers.  Here’s the whole thing below, minus the heavenly light. The video cameras can’t catch those kinds of things.

And how about the defense, eh? Giving up 372 yards isn’t great, but it’s still better than how the Huskers have been trending. Nebraska is giving up a lot of first downs – so many that they’re ranked 107 in the nation in opponent first downs. It’s ugly. But only allowing 19 points (17 on while the D was on the field) shows an improvement in later downs, right? WE ARE GETTING BETTER PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THIS, AP.

And last but not least, the beast, Ameer Abdullah. The guy had 225 yards rushing , 2 rushing touchdowns, and a 15-yard reception. Talk about a top performer! He’s 7th in the nation with 690 yards, and that’s after giving up some carries to Imani Cross and Terrell Newby. Yeah yeah, I know that all teams do that, but I’d like to think if he was the only RB we were using he’d have like 2000 yards by now. Sure his five TDs look paltry compared with Jahwan Edwards’ 10, but Imani Cross The Goal Line (sometimes the wrong one) is sniping some deep red zone carries. He’s already racked up six TDs! I have no doubt that Ameer will get his due, though. He’s just too good.

i
Hi T.J! Look at my hand. Nice logo, eh? Kthxbye, it’s touchdown time.

After all this, Nebraska is still unranked in the AP poll, and it’s going to bite us in the ass. As we look down the stretch, there are some pretty solid games ahead of  us. Dramatic games. Exciting games. Northwestern, Michigan, and Michigan State pose the biggest threat. And maybe Penn State, but their defensive woes are starting to come to a head.

MSU still doesn’t have a super convincing offense, but their D pretty much knows what to do. Northwestern and Michigan scare me. They’re potent teams all around, and Northwestern gave OSU a bit of a scare this past weekend. The 10-point loss doesn’t paint the full picture, as the game could have easily ended 34-30 for OSU or 37-34 NW. Shit was getting real, and Northwestern is real.

I don’t even want to bother trying to break down Michigan. They managed to pull out a couple of squeakers, but I get the feeling their offense is getting ready to make a lot of teams miserable.

Nebraska needs to beat Northwestern (19)and Michigan (18) if it has any hope of getting into the B1G Championship. Even beating those two teams, going in unranked after relative softies Purdue and Minnesota will not be convincing enough for the polls to put us anywhere near the top 10.

The Huskers need an essential dismantling of their next two opponents, and then take down Northwestern and Michigan in order. UGH. Even then, I’d estimate we end up ranked somewhere around 13, should most of the ranks remain unfucked. Of course, it’s college football, anything could happen. Should Nebraska win through Nov. 9 (at Michigan – OMG IT’S GOING TO BE SO HARD), they’ll be expected to win out, and if any of those games come down to the wire, it’ll be attributed to the Huskers being Huskers.

It’s a long way out, but Nebraska needs to get back up in the ranks, and the best way to do that is to wallop Purdue this weekend. And then I’ll continue stressing about the AP and impending BCS ranks because that’s what I obsess over for no goddamn reason at all. After that, we can just piss all over the competition.

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh.