I don’t even want to talk about football. Last weekend was one of the most care-free and stressless weekends I’ve ever had. It was just so EASY. I was so drunk the whole time. Like ALL weekend. You know what makes me care and makes me stress? Football. Nebraska Cornhusker Football.
I don’t want to talk about the game. Like, I do. But I don’t. Because I just get my hopes up and one of two things happens. I’ll either A) just inflate my ego about being correct, or B) drink myself broke (but jolly) because I was wrong.
And even more, I don’t want to talk about last year. It was one of the more memorable moments from last season, if not the most. I don’t want to talk about it, because it scares me. We let ourselves get in to a hole and had to claw our way back with Big Hefty at quarterback and Little Mustache on the receiving end.
I don’t want to talk about it because of all the failures that needed to happen in order for us to get to that point. Like, we legit had to blow it. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to jinx us.
Yet, here I am, fucking talking about it.
So here we are, coming off a loss again, going into whatever the fuck stadium Northwestern and Trevor Siemian play in and we have to worry about his dumb “arm” because he’s not “mobile.”
We are “rejuvenated” after our “bye week” and our one-time “Heisman” hopeful candidate “Ameer Abdullah” has more “fire” underneath him after gaining only “47” rushing yards. The “Blackshirts” are looking “good” and have really “tightened” themselves up.
“Bo” has said the “loss” is in the “past” and the “Huskers” are moving forward. “Tommy” was hopefully working on his “fundamentals” and has learned to scan through his “progressions.”
Oh, fuck it all. I thought putting quotes around it meant I wasn’t talking about it. But here I am, still typing the words and rambling and…lets just see how it works out.
Spartan (noun): a native or inhabitant of ancient Sparta
Spartan (adjective): marked by simplicity, frugality, or avoidance of luxury and comfort
Spartan (Urban Dictionary): A sexual position where the woman is riding a man during intercourse, and right before the man has an orgasm he yells “This is Spartaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” and kicks the woman off the bed.
Oh how the definition has changed over the years… Only a Michigan State student would kick a girl out of bed before he has the chance to get his. However, if they all look like this, I don’t know that I can blame a guy.
That’s one hell of an O-face.
These are the people we are supposed to square off with on Saturday, which means you’d think we would have an incredible chance at kicking some ass. But apparently, the Spartans have been on the up and up in the last few years – something the Cornhuskers found out all to well last year.
Of course, we had 5 turnovers, so that benefitted the Spartans last year. No, I’m not talking about Ron Kellogg’s pre-game snack, I’m talking about giving the ball away. Which we are only going to do once this year! ONE TURNOVER. Mark my words.
That’s me trying to be realistic, but if I keep my head in the clouds, it’s none. NONE I TELL YOU!
There’s no denying MSU a good team. But good teams eat shit and die all the time. I’m looking at you Oregon.
Arizona's Scooby Wright III (left) strips the ball from Oregon's Marcus Mariota during the 4th quarter. pic.twitter.com/1ViBpnUeD9
Not even your 7th uniform in five games can save you from that fumble, Mr. Mariota.
If Oregon can stumble to an unranked Arizona team, who is to say that MSU won’t also shit the bed? I mean, they lost last year to a quite shit Notre Dame team. Nebraska isn’t quite shit. We’re barely shit. We only had one bad game! It was an early stumble in our quest for an undefeated season. We’re better now. We’re amazing!
Ameer will take us there, obviously. No team has run over the Spartans as well as the Huskers have over the last three years, and we are running better than ever right now. Third in the nation! We’re running like criminals. And our 6th highest average points per game isn’t too shabby either. We’re scoring like Johnny Manziel on spring break!
There’s no such thing as Sparta this week. There’s just a sad, wet fart.
To be fair, I’d probably try to forget about the three previous wins, too (42-7, 42-7, 42-13) considering the Huskers have struggled a bit in recent years.
This year should prove to be no easier, as last year Nebraska won 13-7 over a 4-7 Iowa squad that has improved to 7-4 now. Going all flippy floppy on the record this year! And the 2013 Hawkeyes managed to beat Minnesota, which the Huskers couldn’t quite do.
I’m up for the challenge. I’ve known nothing of distaste for Iowa. My best friend since kindergarten has traveled back every year since I’ve known him. I’ve seen him cry. I’ve seen him yell. I’ve seen his parents and him inches from each other, screaming about why he didn’t want to go, and why they are going to make him. His reason? “THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ABOUT IOWA.”
At least at times, there’s at least one thing: The football team.
I know we don’t have Burkhead anymore, but we have a competent, strong, healthy RB in Ameer Abdullah, and I’m willing to put some money on him hitting 100+ yards again.
AT LEAST you aren’t your cross-state rivals, the other Iowa team.
Poor Sexy Rexy. All he did was score a touchdown, and some pissy jock tried to rip his beautiful head off.
Anyhow. Iowa is weird. Lets looks at some of the reasons why.
Iowa allows blind people to obtain a permit to carry a handgun. I think I speak for the majority here when I say that this is probably a bad idea. If a blind person was riding a bike and hitting people with it, people would be freaking the fuck out! The only problem is that there is a greater likelihood of grievous injury or death when a random person is hit with a bullet rather than a bike. My good friend Jimmy Kimmel will help me out here.
Oh my god. Jimmy is a dick. But really, it’s nothing against anyone who is partially or fully blind. It’s the fact that sight plays a major role in the operation of a device that is designed to kill things. Way to go, Iowa. Way to go.
On second thought, I’d probably prefer you give the gun to the blind guy rather than Ryan Seacrest.
A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public. Jordan Westerkamp will NOT be getting any strange next year. Time to revamp next year’s M4W Craigslist ads!
A one-armed pianist must play free of charge. I don’t understand. This is something people would pay for! A lot of money! Help the guy out. The average musician already doesn’t make a huge living, and to take away another source of income is absurd. People with one arm are already limited. They can’t be aircraft marshalls. They are at a significant disadvantage with shadow puppetry or juggling. Cat’s Cradle is near impossible. Just look at this guy.
YOU CAN’T TELL ME HE IS NOT WORTHY OF PAY! I can only think that this was put into place to make sure that one one-armed musician in particular got paid very well. Fuck you, Iowa.
That’s Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen. He only has one arm and he gets to make fistfulls of money!
Doctors who treat a person with gonorrhea must report this to the local board of health and include the disease’s “probable origin.” This is a great idea. Why not put it into public record?! “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS SCARRED AND DAMAGED HARLOT!”
Lets get this straight. Someone contracted a TREATABLE DISEASE but Iowa still feels it necessary to put some indelible ink on it and speculate the probably origin. IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE CORRECT ORIGIN! There are plenty of reasons someone might contract gonorrhea, but Iowa… Oh, Iowa. NO PRIVACY! Just barely stopping short of forcing them to wear a scarlet A.
THIS IS THE FOUNDATION OF SLUT SHAMING.
Iowa, slut shaming since 1846. However, here comes the curveball.
It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. No one gives a shit if you’re happily (or unhappily) fuckin’ in a parked car, but if you contract gonorrhea during this particular coital session, errbody gonna know.
This is legal, nevermind the jump ropes. And that’s great that the officer must give you two minutes to finish up your business. This is likely due to the fact that if you’re having sex in a car, you’re likely still in high school, and finishing up in two minutes is no tall order.
Alternatively, this could be to prevent the officer from being tempted into something salacious, as those guys in New Mexico are wont to do. Those handcuffs work in many ways, you know.
This could actually pass as a win. No one wants to be caught with their pants down, and it’s sweet of the state to prevent some sort of humiliation that might end up being associated with sexual acts gone public. OH WAIT GONORRHEA NEVERMIND.
Within Ottumwa city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know. Seriously, this state sends the worst mixed messages. What would happen to poor Avery Moss if he went to school there?
In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. I’m not going to elaborate. This is the fucking dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT CAN BURN IN 15 MINUTES?
If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them. Why is that you may ask?
A group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot.
“OOOOO SO CLOSE!!”
“Honey, load up the ol’ shotgun. There were five. Didn’t see the tiny one. She might even fit in our cupboard. Heh heh heh.” – Iowan Bluehairs
And here, we thought Washington’s NAME was offensive? How about them set of rules there from Iowa? Thank god that game was in Washington, or else there could have been some REAL carnage on our hands.
That should be enough. But in case you feel like you may need some more…
ENTER: VODKA SAM
Normally, those tweets would be the mating call that ruins me for life as I chase her until she puts a restraining order on me, or finally gives into my begging and pleading. But upon further review… I just can’t. She’s the female version of every guy friend I know. Dream killed. I look at her, I see Will. I hear her, I see Andy. I get a whiff of the vodka coming out of her pores, I see Eric. So instead of crushing, I have lumped her in with #IowaHateWeek.
Besides, she stole Taylor Martinez’s catchphrase, and he’s a wonderful person who can’t even play in the last home game of his career. That’s too far. TOO FAR VODKA SAM.
As many a teenage philosopher and aging rockstar have pointed out, there’s often a chasm between what we want and what we need. Usually, as they was poetic, we get what we need. However, that chasm is hardly a crack in the sidewalk this weekend for Nebraska fans.
Want: Big, easy, no-drama, healthy win. Need: Win
However, when our needs and our wants so closely align, what we get is usually neither. And since Michigan hasn’t lost in the Big House since Nov. 20, 2010, to a #7 Wisconsin (some might say this means they are due for a loss, but I’m not bold enough to make that kind of claim) there’s no way of predicting the kind of game we are going to see.
I’ll kick it over to star future Heisman-winning running back Ameer Abdullah to give us one certainty. In recounting the Huskers’ last trip to Michigan in which they were stomped 45-17…
“I didn’t play much, but, just being there, Michigan fans are nasty, man. They’re ruthless. I wouldn’t have it any other way…honestly, I’m not a big fan of Michigan. Nothing would make me happier than go up there and shut them up.”
I get the feeling Abdullah is right… Just look at this bloke.
Not only are they apparently big jerks, they also are spoiled big jerks. Sometimes, Beyonce creates personalized messages for the team and then the band does halftime shows and things like that. *Makes jerking off motion*
I have no idea how that monstrosity didn’t curse Michigan that day. Beyonce, girl, you beautiful when you walking down the street, but when you perform you look like a damn hooligan fool. Getchyo shit together!
Additionally, Michigan fans apparently also have a real low bar for what is considered funny. Buzzfeed, in all of its infinite wisdom, deemed Jake Butt’s following tweet “Tight end named ‘Butt’ authors greatest tweet about being a tight end that is a chocolate starfish” or something like that. *Continues jerking off motion*
Yes I'm a tight end. Yes my last name is butt. Hhahaha
If this is what’s considered the greatest of anything, I may as well quit life. This passes for humor in Michigan, apparently a humorless state. There are far better options here. Nothing about a buttfumble? Too easy.
How about when you blow the game, dropping the go-ahead TD in the endzone? “Who’s the asshole now?”
Next time you’re tackled, “Nip it in the butt.” Note: The correct terminology is “nip it in the bud” but we assume stupidity in this case.
Next time you’re stripped, “Pulled it out of my ass on that one.”
Or just general hilarity.
“I really like when homeless people pick me up out of ash trays and light me up.”
“Good thing my last name isn’t deodorant because then I’d have to play Right Guard.”
“If I were a dwarf, I’d be a semi-colon.”
“Just drank a pitcher of beer in 23 seconds. Butt Chug.”
“Just got laid… Butt fuck. LOLOLOL.”
Step up your game Jake, you’re making the rest of the puckered cornholes upset.
And last, but surely not least, Michigan fans are pent up. They’re hard up. They need a release. More than 100,000 of them rubbing together in the Shit House isn’t enough. They are the physical manifestation of six-to-midnight. Why?
Alright Ameer, bring the mace and shut up the fans. With a win, you’ll not only help our chances of getting to the B1G Championship, but you’ll preserve the piping system through all of the Michigan dorms for years to come.
Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh while I perpetuate the hate machine that I…hate.
Oy, here we go. NU comes into NU, and no one knows what the hell might happen. Northwestern has lost four in a row after winning their first four. Nebraska is coming off of a loss that looked a lot more like a wet fart than the high-powered football we fans are (almost delusionally) expecting.
Nebraska lacks the spark that often burst into comebacks last year. Look at that photo above. It’s pristine. A regular work of art. You couldn’t set it up if you tried. THESE ARE THE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITIES WE NEED. That’s Taariq Allen, nabbing a pass in the middle of the fourth quarter of the 2012 game at Northwestern. It brought the Huskers within five. Then T-Magic hit Ben Cotton 6 minutes later to take the lead. Then the Blackshirts did something amazing. THEY STOPPED NORTHWESTERN. That’s what we need! More Magic moments. Oh… what’s that?
Pelini says: Martinez ruled out. Jake Long doubtful. Jamal Turner 50-50. Afalava also won't play. Not injury related. No other details given
Taylor Martinez is out with turf toe, a hip pointer, separated shoulder, knobby knees, a hobbled heel, seventeen sutures, tennis elbow, clicky wrist, and a hangnail. Which means we will see Tommy Armstrong again! This pleases pretty much everyone.
Is it wrong that I have a real man-crush on the idea of Tommy Armstrong?
This surely divides the fan base into two categories: Those who are happy, and those who are slightly less happy. However, those who are slightly less happy need not wait long until the great Ron Kellogg III comes in two drives later.
So…Ron Kellogg is now playing better than Taylor Martinez. Season. Over. #Huskers#playtommy
This won’t make a whole lot of sense because this whole two-quarterback/two-drive thing doesn’t make sense to anyone but Bo Pelini and Tim Beck. They do this and it’s not too clear what the scheme is. We bring in ESPN the Ocho correspondent, Pepper Brooks.
(That .gif almost works perfectly because of Barney. Almost.)
This has the makings of a boring game, to say the least. Northwestern is ranked behind Nebraska in offensive production in three of the four major categories. The defenses are essentially the same by points allowed. Maybe this becomes a shootout and it’s way exciting! But then we just end up slamming our heads against the table half the time.
That’s where we need to give the ball more to Ameer Abdullah. That’s all that needs to be said there. He’s a Heisman-level player and we are keeping the ball out of his hands?! WHAT THE FUCK. You give him the ball all the damn time. If he says he can go, he goes, got it?
And if Ameer comes in and rocks the place, where does that leave us?
Here’s lookin’ at you Blackshirts. But they are no longer in existence, at least for the time being. So we are looking at the defense, which is giving up roughly 22 feet per first down. UGH. PLEASE SHOW UP.
If it’s a massacre, at least there are options available.
I don’t endorse drugs, but if a guy can actually coach defense, I’m OK w/ bldg him opium den, crack house, whatever in East Stadium #huskers
I endorse your non-endoresment endorsement, sir. C’mon Bo, win one for Carl. It’s the least you can do for a guy stuck at home ripping a bong and watching cartoons instead of College Football this coming Saturday.
I’ll see you all Saturday with my nose firmly pressed to the bar.
The Nebraska Conrhuskers roll into TCF Bank Stadium to take on the Minnesota Golden Gophers this weekend. Their fans are expected to almost outnumber Husker fans this year, but judging from the photos above, we can expect these Golden Boys to do at least all of the following:
2. Subtly angle chili cheese burp into blonde girl’s face
3. Get bored
4. Contemplate eating booger picked two quarters ago
5. Regret. Deep, earnest regret.
And who is to blame them? The only thing notable about this stadium is that it holds about half as many fans as Memorial Stadium does, and it’s in the middle of the frozen tundra no one wants to visit. There’s no point in going to Minnesota.
I flew through St. Paul once on my way to Lincoln. My St. Paul to Lincoln flight was cancelled because the airport didn’t have the foresight to know that the construction they were doing for the past two years would cause problems for some outgoing flights and they should have scheduled around it. Instead I was placed on a flight to Omaha 10 FUCKING HOURS LATER. I got so tragically drunk in the TGI Fridays they use to spice up their shithole airport that they almost didn’t let me on the plane. But, once on the plane, I kept my head held high and managed to charm myself into three bite-size bottles of Jack Daniel’s on this non-alcoholic flight. Obviously, not being in Minnesota was the reason I procured them, so I blame all of MN for bad things, and all of NE for good things.
To the stewardess that gave me the Jack, I appreciate you and your massive heart. I imagine your name is Daisy or RosePetal, because you were just so sweet and you smelled like a floral dream. To Buzz (actual name), the uptight, whistle-blowing, no-fun-having, dingleberry waiter at Fridays, you can take your “alcoholic limits” and shove them right up your puckered asshole.
Moving on. Gophers are assholes. They tear up your yard and then scurry away when you try to kill them and then come back right after you’ve fixed it up. Plus, they are ugly as sin.
Look at the claws. Take a good hard look. The claws are twice as long as the teeth. I know some humans do this, but that’s unnatural. THIS IS HOW GOPHERS ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK.
Look at the teeth. Holy shit. Now we know where Minnesota gets it’s color scheme.
This whole thing is made slightly better by the fact that they are golden gophers.
Anyone that owns this can be my friend. I love this stuff. It makes absolutely zero sense, and that’s why I love it.
The most important thing about this weekend is the return of our beloved T-Magic!!
Twitter is all a flutter, but for now it’s mostly innocuous babble, stating “Oh noes, Taylor and his toes” or “I can’t wait!” or “Play Thomas and RG3” or “THE WHOLE SYSTEM IS SHIT AND OUR PROGRAM IS RUINED.” The really good stuff will come in due time, right about when Taylor takes the field for the first time.
I, for one, am excited. A healthy (crosses fingers) T-Magic should be a run threat, opening up the option game and creating even more opportunities to future-Heisman-Trophy winner Ameer Abdullah. With a rumored “getting better every day” defense, I’d like to think Nebraska comes out of this one strong. The Huskers have back-assed their way into the polls, even coming in at 24 in the BCS rank. This surprises me. Finally, the respect we deserve! I can imagine for the team this feels like being some schlep-along band on a major tour that finally gets a 12-pack of Buck Range beer on the sideline. WE H IT THE BIGTIME BOYS.
I’m not going to throw out any lofty expectations here. I have no clue who will start. I haven’t tried to read into Bo’s demeanor or facial ticks that might give some hint to who is getting the starting job. For now it’s a waiting game, and I don’t mind. It’s a bit thrilling, actually, to be on edge and see what happens.
I know one thing is for sure. Once the Magic show does start, this chump (who needs some afro advice from none other than Kenny Bell) is likely to be front row…
Nebraska will march in to Purdue’s Ross-Ade Stadium looking to break the Boilermaker’s series winning streak that dates back to 1958, when the Huskers lost 28-0. It’s time to derail this train… Purdue’s 1-0 winning record against the Cornhuskers is under severe threat.
Why? Because Ameer Abdullah, that’s why. I’m just speculating here, but if he can run a lot, maybe a country mile – or 310 yards to be exact – he’ll be the first rusher over 1,000 yards this season. This is mainly due to the fact that anyone else within range plays later in the day… but it would also be an incredible feat. He’d have to break Roy Helu Jr.’s single-game record of 307 yards. I say, why not go for it? Purdue is allowing a ton of yards per game. This makes a ton of sense. I’m not saying it will happen, but I want it to happen.
For those that don’t know, a boilermaker is a drink that consists of beer and whiskey.* If the Purdue-ians drink enough the night before the game, or during, the team will likely look like it has much of this season. AWFUL.
It’s that kinda shit up that lost the job for fifth-year senior Rob Henry. He might be a fifth-year senior citizen. His hairline is better at fading than any of his receivers.
Sure, I know Purdue put up a fight against Notre Dame, but that’s more of a testament to ND’s shittiness than Purdue’s excellencecompetencysuccess … luck. Purdue has the 8th worst offense in the FBS by way of yards. 7th worst by way of yards per game. 11th worst by way of points per game. 8th worst by way of rushing yards per game. 12th worst by way… OH WHO AM I KIDDING THEY SUCK SO MUCH. IF WE ALLOW MORE THAN 300 YARDS THIS GAME I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.
Their leading rusher, Akeem Hunt, is averaging…38.6 yards per game! Ameer farts and gains more yardage than that. So the ball won’t be in the hands of the Rush Master Hunt, nor will Rob Henry be the guy to take the Boilermakers to their grave. It’s this guy!
Danny Etling is almost 15 years old, and is expecting to enter the tail end of puberty sometime before his junior year. In 2.5 quarters of play this year, Etling threw for 241 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 2 interceptions. Purdue QBs have thrown three pick-sixes so far. What does this translate to? SJB TOUCHDOWN!!
The Husker secondary is improving, and with Purdue’s run offense akin to a corpse, this should bode quite well for the Huskers.
Considering the following photo and Etling’s incredible posture, I’m fairly certain Henry will get another shot under center…
It seems fitting that he may start again, as Rob is still holding on to his glory days at QB for the Boilermakers. But nostalgia fades as you enter your Centrum Silver years, so it’s time to relish the memories.
Leading the way to what, exactly? IHOP!!! (It’s important to note that Rob Henry’s girlfriend is NOT a senior citizen. She’s actually quite a looker. Either chicks dig old guys, or she’s after his trust fund. Gold digger.)
All of this … boils down to what should be a disappointing day for the Purdue fans. The photo in this post’s banner (above) is from a common sight around Ross-Ade Stadium. Apparently the fans enjoy partying, but are not so keen on football.
So. How shall the Huskers ensure an ever-dwindling crowd this Saturday at 11 fucking AM? First, we have Tommy Armstrong Jr. show Doogie Howser up there how to be a quality freshman QB. Then, we counteract one former QB that has a receding hairline with a current wideout that has an ever-growing and entrancing afro.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bell. What kind of glorious catch will he end up with this week? What exactly will he catch?!
NEBRASKA FOOTBALL IS BACK! CONFERENCE PLAY IS STARTING! WOOOO IT’S TIME FOR BIG RED FOOTBALL!!
One weekend without the Huskers was fucking dreadful. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My apartment has never been so clean! I exercised. I EXERCISED! I was so upset, I didn’t even stress eat. Do you know how stressful it is to not stress eat when delicious straight-from-Mexico Mexican food is three blocks from your apartment?
But then Lady Blackshirt surprised me with tickets to the Gin Blossoms for a belated birthday gift and all was right with the world (see, it’s OK to live in the 90s a bit, Husker fans). It was even better when I found out the next morning that Lane Kiffin got fired so hard that he wasn’t even allowed to sully his campus one more time.
Our boys have had a weekend off to rejuvenate, practice, spend some time at the spa… things that should translate into a win on Saturday against Illinois. The Illinois Fighting Illini. The. Fighting. Illini. Here I thought SDSU’s choice of Jackrabbits was absurd.
The university chose “Illini” because of something with the student newspaper sometime around the Civil War era. It’s not really clear, but football teams should not be named after student newspapers. Student newspapers have notoriously stupid names.
Then, because the name really meant nothing, (people from Illinois are called Illinoisans), they added “Fighting” to the name during WWI, decades later. The idea was noble: It represents those from Illinois who fought and died during WWI. “Other wars be damned! World War I is the only one that matters!”
YOU CAN’T RETROACTIVELY CHANGE YOUR SHITTY MEANS-NOTHING NAME SOME 20 YEARS LATER AND HOPE NO ONE WILL NOTICE THAT IT STILL MEANT NOTHING AND YOU MADE UP A WORD TO REPRESENT YOURSELVES.
You don’t even have a mascot anymore because the one you came up with was offensive, ill-advised, and irrelevant. Some two or three decades later you decided you needed a mascot and in a not-so-shocking display of ineptitude, you fucked it up.
You used actual Sioux clothing to shroud a student who portrayed a made up person – Chief Illiniwek – in an attempt to honor the Native American culture of your state. Actual tribe members got so mad that you had to give the traditional clothing back because you disgraced it. Now you can’t even use your Halloween costumes because your own school deemed your incongruous mascot too much of a shit stain on the face of your school.
Besides all that, YOU FORGOT YOUR REVISED MADE-UP-WORD-NAME REPRESENTS THE AMERICAN SOLDIERS OF YOUR STATE NOT AMERICAN INDIANS. Nice try, imbeciles. You are bad at names and you are bad at mascots.
We are all hoping that you’ll be bad at sports on Saturday, too. Namely football.
You see, Lincoln is susceptible to high winds on Saturday. You know what that means? Your passing game becomes less of a factor. Your run game isn’t that good. It’s middle of the road, but barely. Without a passing game, you’ll have to rely on the run. Because Nebraska’s defense has vastly improved these past two weeks (*crosses fingers*), you’re in trouble. Especially if we know it’s coming.
If you’re banking on the wind dying down, we have provisions to still ruin your day.
@kaylaoncorn@troy_little maybe the entire east stadium can blow while the west sucks while Illini O is on the field. Big help for our D
The best part? Take away Nebraska’s passing game and you get one of the best rushing squads in the nation. We are averaging 110 more rushing yards per game than you Illini honkies. We have Abdullah, Cross, Newby…a trio of backs that want nothing to do with your defensive schemes.
Don’t forget you’ll get a first-hand look the future of Nebraska: Tommy “The Touchdown Train” Armstrong!
Taylor Martinez is nursing his turfy toe for another week. The general consensus is that no one wants him on the field if he isn’t 100%, and that makes sense. We will likely need his run threat and cannon arm later down the stretch. Get him back to health, then back on the field. No need to… rush him.
Additionally, Armstrong can run. He’s no slouch. He’s no Tom Brady! He is mobile. Armstrong. Legstrong. Same thing!
This weekend will be a fun little window into what the future of Nebraska holds. A young quarterback with high expectations and a skill set to meet those expectations? Sign me up! And I won’t complain one bit if RK3 comes in and kicks some ass, too. Sometimes you have to share the wealth. As long as we don’t burn Johnny Stanton The Fourth’s redshirt, I won’t be upset. (He’s gotta be some sort of royalty with a name like that, right?). Besides, he is WAY too handsome to be used when he can’t be the face of our beloved program.
To highlight the Husker game this weekend, I had a grand idea of exploiting the confusion between SDSU (South Dakota State University) and SDSU (San Diego State University), but that doesn’t seem fair because SDSU is much better than SDSU. All-time records show Nebraska handily trounced SDSU in something like 1784, their first meeting. The most recent meeting, in 2010, resulted in an SDSU loss (17-3), but the Huskers looked flat. We can’t do that this time.
Nebraska comes into this game limping after another beating by UCLA and some asshole releasing a tape of Bo Pelini’s 2011 tirade that cursed Nebraska fans. It’s been an emotional week, and the team, while saying they remain steadfast in their focus, has likely heard it all. They are probably exhausted. Like, just-got-home-from-Disneyland-after-eating-a-bunch-of-funnel-cake-and-Dole-pineapple-whip-and-hugging-Goofy tired.
Not only that but… Taylor Martinez will most likely sit out with another case of turf toe. I don’t mean to alarm anyone but SON OF A BITCH, WE NEED TO BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, ALL HANDS ON DECK, PULL UP THE DRAW BRIDGE, PUNCH SHIT, LIGHT FIRES. THE GUY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO WIN THAT TROPHY FOR US IS HURT AND IT’S HIS DAMN TOE AGAIN AND WHO KNOWS IF IT WILL EVER GET BETTER.
Oh god, I’m so nervous. SDSU is good, or so it seems. They have a dynamic running back in Zack Zenner – who may also star as a porn star on some backwoods website with a name like that. He leads the FCS in rushing yards, and since the Huskers can’t stop the run, we may as well just let him walk to the endzone.
SDSU hasn’t turned the ball over this season. I’M TALKING TO YOU, SJB. THIS MEANS YOU, CIANTE. Interceptions. Lots of them. Make them fumble. Our offense could really learn something from these kids. Lets table the turns. They cough it up, we hold on to it. It’s a wonderful strategy. They are +11 in turnovers. We have to fuck this up for them. I will tolerate nothing less than 6 turnovers, in any combination of fumbles and interceptions.
SDSU’s go-to wide receiver is Jason Schneider, a man who is setting career highs in all sorts of categories since the season started. The strategy here is to not let him catch the ball. Then we need to make sure to score touchdowns.
A couple of notes for the week:
1. Bo needs to prove everyone wrong. He should go out there the same as he always does and coach the fuck out of this uber-talented team. There’s not much he could say to a stadium of 90,000+ fans to sway them. If he grabs the mic, it should be one hell of a ride. He might do himself a favor by saying “Fuck you South Dakota State University fans, no one ever even knew you were the state above us. We thought you were just the badlands of North Dakota’s wastewater, seeping ever closer to our Holy Land. We only knew you existed after our 6-ranked team put up only 17 points against you in 2010. Oh boy, you frothing cunts should have heard that recording.”
2. SDSU is giving up more than 400 yards per game. That’s good for us, but not good enough. I’d like to see the Huskers put up 600 to instill confidence. SDSU also is barely giving up 100 yards on the ground. The solution? Give the ball to Abdullah. Theres 100+ right there! Give the ball to Newby. 80 more yards! Give the ball to Imani Cross-the-goaline. POINTS. These gents can run. No FCS defense will hold them to less than 100 yards total. Right? I mean, that doesn’t sound logical. Right? These guys are TANKS. They’ll get it done. 215 yards rushing. In the first half. There’s my call. Don’t make me look bad, boys.
3. Ugh, Jackrabbits. I get it, your state felt the need for two universities and the other one got to pick the name first: the Coyotes. That’s your state animal, and a glorious one at that. So you chose Jackrabbits. You do realize they are in almost every state, right? That’s not unique. They aren’t even threatening. They are scared of EVERYTHING. They run fast, sure, but they run fast away from danger. SDSU couldn’t pick something like the Mountain Lions, Black Bears, or Swift Foxes? ALL indigenous to the state of South Dakota. There were so many options. They could have been the Fringe-Tailed Myotises. Look at these things!
Look at it. It’s so fucking revolting. Those ears. Those teeth. It’s like some mutant rat got all the ugly of his family, grew wings, and developed a tasted for insects and small birds. Thus becoming a Myotis. Bats are scary as shit. They are not fun. Rabbits are fun. Rabbits are cute and cuddly and sweet and like carrots and the like. Bats are hell. They eat living things. They are silent hunters of the night and will eat your ears and toes off while you try to relax in the cool of a summer night with your sweetie and a glass of riesling to accompany your cheese plate. Opposing teams would would be terrified! “SDSU? Nope! No way! Uh Uh! We’ll take the loss. One of them things ate my foot last summer.”
Rabbits run from people, Myotises will eat people. That’s fumble No. 1, SDSU. Prepare for more. For you. You’ll fumble. We won’t (hopefully).
Last year, on September 8 (a mere two days before my birthday, thus ruining it), the Nebraska Cornhuskers took on the UCLA Bruins, who pointed and laughed as us as we scrambled after scrambler master Brett Hundley.
We looked a little lost trying to cover Jim Mora’s spread offense. It was embarrassing and unsettling. We put up a mediocre number against what we understood to be a mediocre defense. Apparently they weren’t, and we weren’t prepared. A late interception directly led to a touchdown, and poor execution followed, leaving us to a field goal and an insurmountable 6-point deficit.
No one was happy except for the UCLA fans, which totaled about 47 percent of the crowd. Seriously UCLA, step up your game. If you can’t even go the 30 miles from the Westside to Pasadena, what will we expect of you tomorrow in Memorial Stadium, halfway across the country? I’m sure your team will know you love them when all seven of you show up.
I was lucky to be surrounded by Nebraska fans because I walked into the stadium looking like a damn fool, and had to walk out looking like an even bigger asshole.
I hung my head and walked my saggy tits out to the car before anyone could give me the ridicule I deserved. What a mess.
Nebraska was ranked 16 at the time; UCLA was unranked. Therefore, after the loss Nebraska fell from the top 25 for the first time time in 2012. It made sense, at least a bit. Not much analysis needed, right?
Now, riddle me this: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE RANKS THIS WEEK?
Nebraska had a shit first game. Everyone knows. In week 2, they dropped from 18 to 22 in the AP ranks. No biggie, and it was a bit expected, despite us still notching a double-you. UCLA jumped from 21 to 18, almost effectively switching with us. No biggie, they won, and people are riding Hundley’s dick harder than DeAngelo Hall rode DeSean Jackson. It’s to be expected.
Nebraska came out a lot stronger in week 2, with the Blackshirts feeling like they had something to prove. And la Camiseta Negras did their job. They only allowed 13 points, and 284 total yards. What a difference! What an improvement! The offense even scored 56 points (42 if you don’t count the glorious pick-sixes). What an improvement! The team looked poised and prepared.
The rankings came out and we dropped a spot to number 23. How odd. We did so well! You know who didn’t drop. UCLA. They actually moved up from 18 to 16. They jumped a spot. How did they play Saturday?
OH THAT’S RIGHT THEY DIDN’T. THEY SAT AT HOME AND PLAYED VIDEO GAMES AND ATE REFRIED BEANS OUT OF A CAN BECAUSE THEY WERE TO LAZY TO PUT IT IN A BOWL AND HIT A BUTTON ON THE MICROWAVE BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO KEEP DOING NOTHING.
That’s how every single Cornhusker should feel right now. The AP poll shit on our heads with their shitty horse poop. Every man on the team (on both sides of the ball, please!!) should be running out on that field with a bunch of big-steamies in the chamber, ready to back one out onto the chest of every Bruin.
This weekend won’t be easy, but we need the win. We need to take this dump. We’ve been constipated for far too long. We know the defense now. We know Brett now. We know what to expect. Taylor Martinez said today that we should expect to see a bunch of new stuff on offense this weekend. That’s wonderful. As long as the new things aren’t turnovers, I’m pumped.
I won’t get to watch much, as during the latter half of the game, I must be preparing to take part in the holy matrimony of a dear friend. But I’ll be there in spirit with everyone, rudely checking my phone during brunch and our super cool wedding photos.
On a serious side note…
This was a difficult post to construct in the wake of the tragedy in the UCLA and Southern California communities when Bruin wide receiver Nick Pasquale suddenly passed away last weekend. My heart and thoughts are with Nick, his family, and his friends.The UCLA and Nebraska teams will honor Nick before the game with a moment of silence, and during the game with patches on UCLA’s uniforms and stickers on Nebraska’s helmets.From all accounts, Nick was a stand-up guy with a good attitude and a good sense of humor, and he will be dearly missed. R.I.P