It’s not like I’m bitter or anything, but that headline comes straight to you from Sept. 1, 2012. It was after the first game of Nebraska’s season, coincidentally against the Southern Miss Golden Eagles. It was the start of all of Burkhead’s knee troubles last year. It’s hard to tell if it directly led to any losses – the Cornhuskers had a strong backup backfield. But when a team is missing a guy whose nickname is Superman because of his on- and off-field accomplishments…well, it hurts you. Who knows what he would have done to UCLA in Pasadena when we lost by a measly 6 points when I was there, hopes higher than a Good Year Blimp, only to be crushed and crumbled underneath the weight of a school I never cared for despite my SoCal proximity?
I’m not bitter though.
It should seem appropriate that this particular game kicked off the Golden Eagles’ no-win 2012 season and a current 13-game losing streak. At least in the eyes of Husker fans it’s appropriate. The last time So. Miss won a game was Dec. 24, 2011. There shall be no Christmas gifts this year, not from the Huskers.
We’re coming off a wonky-ass game. We’re motivated. Ameer Abdullah and Taylor Martinez have been pushing the team. The Blackshirts are watching the tape. They know what to do. Bo is confident. There’s no reason for Husker fans to worry. I’m not saying there’s no way the Huskers lose this game, I’m just saying there’s no way So. Miss wins it. Right? *Marinades crow for Saturday’s dinner*
But we can’t hold an injured Rex Burkhead against the team forever. The team and the school have given us some absolute delights.
Take for instance Michael Boley. He went to So. Miss. He played professional football for a number of years. He wasn’t bad. He had an INT for a TD once (and probably other times). This pick-6 was nice, but nothing spectacular. It was his celebration that was.
Boley celebrated his touchdown by smashing the ball off some poor intern’s face. Look at that poise though. Kid took it like a champ.
What’s that you say? Oh, Boley was arrested earlier this year for child abuse? Well, guess he’s a douche bag. Moving on to less douchebaggy Golden Eagles.
Brett Favre! A QB at So. Miss., he still holds numerous records for the school. He is the subject of collegiate folklore due to his come-from-behind wins and upsets of ranked teams. A mere six weeks after a rollover accident and subsequent surgery that led to 30 inches of his small intestines being removed, Favre led a comeback victory over Alabama! The stuff of legends!
Even more impressive, Freshman Favre, a seventh-string QB at the time, came onto the field to lead his team to a (you guessed it) come-from-behind victory over Tulane. This despite being so hungover he was blowing chunks during warmups.
I have no idea who Chunks is, but I can tell you Chunks is not Jenn Sterger’s nickname. Holy shit, that got out of control fast. Oh, who am I kidding? Do you have any idea how hard it was to write “come-from-behind” that many times when discussing Dick-Texter Extraordinaire?
Alright, alright. I know he’s got all sorts of records and is a HOF guarantee. Maybe not a complete douchebag. But he’s at least partial.
So who can come in and save the day? Who can resurrect the reputation of the Golden Eagles? None other than the King of Parrotheads. He’s somewhere wasting away in Margaritaville right now. He drinks, he does drugs, he curses. He doesn’t hide it. We love him for the jerk he can be. He’s awesome. He’s been a staple in my family for years, singing us to paradise while we lounge in the pool. He does the weekends right. Come Monday, he’s still warm in our hearts.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting, Jimmy Buffett.
God dammit, Jim. I trusted you.
Follow me on twitter @blackshirtfreshman. Stay tuned for #AfroWatch2013 and #RageWatch2013.