Category Archives: Stanley Jean-Baptiste

Preview: Nebraska at Purdue

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Purdue banner

Nebraska will march in to Purdue’s Ross-Ade Stadium looking to break the Boilermaker’s series winning streak that dates back to 1958, when the Huskers lost 28-0. It’s time to derail this train… Purdue’s 1-0 winning record against the Cornhuskers is under severe threat.

Why? Because Ameer Abdullah, that’s why. I’m just speculating here, but if he can run a lot, maybe a country mile – or 310 yards to be exact – he’ll be the first rusher over 1,000 yards this season. This is mainly due to the fact that anyone else within range plays later in the day… but it would also be an incredible feat. He’d have to break Roy Helu Jr.’s single-game record of 307 yards. I say, why not go for it? Purdue is allowing a ton of yards per game. This makes a ton of sense. I’m not saying it will happen, but I want it to happen.

For those that don’t know, a boilermaker is a drink that consists of beer and whiskey.* If the Purdue-ians drink enough the night before the game, or during, the team will likely look like it has much of this season. AWFUL.

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“Jimminy Cricket, get off of me and get me a goddamn walker.”

It’s that kinda shit up that lost the job for fifth-year senior Rob Henry. He might be a fifth-year senior citizen. His hairline is better at fading than any of his receivers.

Sure, I know Purdue put up a fight against Notre Dame, but that’s more of a testament to ND’s shittiness than Purdue’s excellence competency success … luck. Purdue has the 8th worst offense in the FBS by way of yards. 7th worst by way of yards per game. 11th worst by way of points per game. 8th worst by way of rushing yards per game. 12th worst by way… OH WHO AM I KIDDING THEY SUCK SO MUCH. IF WE ALLOW MORE THAN 300 YARDS THIS GAME I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND.

Their leading rusher, Akeem Hunt, is averaging…38.6 yards per game! Ameer farts and gains more yardage than that. So the ball won’t be in the hands of the Rush Master Hunt, nor will Rob Henry be the guy to take the Boilermakers to their grave. It’s this guy!

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Danny Etling is almost 15 years old, and is expecting to enter the tail end of puberty sometime before his junior year. In 2.5 quarters of play this year, Etling threw for 241 yards, 2 touchdowns, and 2 interceptions. Purdue QBs have thrown three pick-sixes so far. What does this translate to? SJB TOUCHDOWN!!

The Husker secondary is improving, and with Purdue’s run offense akin to a corpse, this should bode quite well for the Huskers.

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“Fuck. What the fuck coach? I think this kid is my son. How many interceptions does he need to throw in the first quarter before I get back out there? Three? Got it.”

Considering the following photo and Etling’s incredible posture, I’m fairly certain Henry will get another shot under center…

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“MOOOOMM The big kids are making fun of me.”
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“WOO! Early-bird special is coming back!”

It seems fitting that he may start again, as Rob is still holding on to his glory days at QB for the Boilermakers. But nostalgia fades as you enter your Centrum Silver years, so it’s time to relish the memories.

Leading the way to what, exactly? IHOP!!! (It’s important to note that Rob Henry’s girlfriend is NOT a senior citizen. She’s actually quite a looker. Either chicks dig old guys, or she’s after his trust fund. Gold digger.)

All of this … boils down to what should be a disappointing day for the Purdue fans. The photo in this post’s banner (above) is from a common sight around Ross-Ade Stadium. Apparently the fans enjoy partying, but are not so keen on football.

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“Martha! Put that shit away before you stank up the place and send the other six fans out of here…”
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“DAMMIT MARTHA! You gone dun it again!”

So. How shall the Huskers ensure an ever-dwindling crowd this Saturday at 11 fucking AM? First, we have Tommy Armstrong Jr. show Doogie Howser up there how to be a quality freshman QB. Then, we counteract one former QB that has a receding hairline with a current wideout that has an ever-growing and entrancing afro.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bell. What kind of glorious catch will he end up with this week? What exactly will he catch?!

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You just never know what kind of things you’ll find in there…

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh.

*It’s also the name of someone who welds and constructs boilers. This was non-conducive to the post, so I left it out. Why their logo is a train makes little sense. At least Purdue Pete has a hardhat.

Recap: Nebraska vs. SDSU – Room For Only One Jack

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After a week of speculation and controversy, it was good to see our boys in red back out on the field. For the most part, there was overwhelming support for Bo, as demonstrated by the standing ovation he received. I’m sure there were angry comments and sporadic boos, but I don’t count those because I don’t want them. Past girlfriends have said I have selective hearing, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to change that now. So now that the whole thing is behind us and the only reason we should ever talk about it again is that we found the tipster and he’s going to be thrown in to the stocks…lets play some football!

For some reason College GameDay Guest Picker Guy (a former defensive end for North Dakota State University and the Buffalo Bills) got a little cheeky  and predicted that the South Dakota State University Jackrabbits would upset Nebraska at home. Yeah, OK. YOU ARE FROM NORTH DAKOTA YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HATE SOUTH DAKOTA AND WANT THEM TO GET SLAUGHTERED.

That guest picker was Phil Hansen. From what it seems, he knows his football, and he’s widely liked. But apparently he just really wanted to troll his alma mater.

Other people, who apparently didn’t know better, had their misconstrued hopes reaffirmed. “Who cares if he only knows NDSU football?! He makes me feel better about me hoping my team will win an impossible game today!” Apparently the allegiance to the Dakotas sweeping, and “North” and “South” are interchangeable. (It should also be noted that Hansen ran for the Minnesota Senate in 2012, so his opinions on anything Dakota are nothing but questionable.)

#notsmartbison

I got tired of the people coming down on Nebraska. It was hurting my heart. Other teams have had tough weeks and won. Other teams have shitty defense and they won. Other teams have lost their starting quarterback and put in the backup(s) and won. (Ahem, Ohio State).

So I spoke up:

And what do you know? THE STREAK IS BROKEN!!!! WE DIDN’T GO THREE-AND-OUT!! It seems I need to make more predictions. It took only four plays (and one penalty) to score!

Then we kept trading touchdowns and it made me super mad. It was a potential implosion again. We were down 17-14 at the end of the first quarter. Somehow, after a shellacking last week, we still hadn’t made any defensive adjustments, and possible-porn-star Zack Zenner ran for 128 yards in the first quarter. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT YARDS IN ONE QUARTER. And two touchdown. Some TEAMS don’t even put up those kinds of numbers in an entire game.

 

OMG we are so fucked. If Phil Hansen picked that upset and it became true, everything I know would shatter. By comparison, Ameer Abdullah and Imani Cross combined for 66 yards rushing in the first quarter. Zenner more-than-doubled up our backfield. There were a few miscues on the receiving end of things, too.

(In the end, Kenny Bell should have had two touchdown receptions, but alas, things aren’t always thunderous in afro-land.)

But how the tables can turn. In the second quarter, Abdullah, Cross, and Tommy Armstrong Jr. combined for 97 yards rushing, and Zenner eked out only 41 (less than one-third of the previous quarter!). TAKE THAT, PORN GUY.

Remember how SDSU hadn’t turned the ball over this season? Stanley Jean-Baptiste served up yet another interception, and it was GLORIOUS. That was followed by two more (a fumble recovery, and a pick-six). The Huskers fumbled twice, but in the end that put SDSU at only +10 in the turnover department now! Gotta slowly chip away at these things people!

The onslaught was on, but some people didn’t quite know it yet.

At this point, the Huskers was up 38-17, but apparently there was still hope. This guy’s twitter is plastered in NDSU garb, so I’m not sure why he was also rooting for SDSU. Probably to try to equivocate NDSU to Nebraska when SDSU runs all over them this weekend.

OK, it’s a bit of a cheap shot but not totally unwarranted. I know we had just given up a fumble, but just because your team is up by 40-something points and still trying to run up the score doesn’t give you room to talk. SDSU missed an ensuing field goal and the Huskers scored on their next drive. It should be noted that there were no further tweets regarding SDUSvsNEB after that one.

At this juncture there is no point in further breaking down the game, but there are some positive things to take away:

1. Handsome Ameer is No. 7 in the nation in rushing  after garnering another 139 yards in Saturday’s game. This despite only playing on series in the second half. Imagine if he kept up his production! Tack on another 80+ yards and suddenly he’s No. 3 in the nation. We didn’t put together 215 yards rushing in the first half like I hoped we would, but we got to 163, which is the equivalent to a 76%, so they get a passing grade. The ground game put up 335 yards, more than triple the average the Jackrabbits have been giving up.

2. Stanley Jean-Baptiste is an interception machine. He’s currently leading the nation with four interceptions, and second in interception yards (134). I CAN’T WAIT FOR MORE INTERCEPTIONS THEY ARE THE BEST THING EVER WHEN NEBRASKA IS DOING THE INTERCEPTING.

3. There is/will be no QB controversy, at least for a while. It’s Taylor’s job and everyone knows it. But Tommy Armstrong Jr., Ron Kellogg The Third, and Ryker Fyfe (what a badass name) did their jobs REALLY well. Saturday was the first time the Huskers have ever totaled more than 300 yards passing and rushing in a single game. SO AWESOME. Should Taylor have to sit again, I have full faith in our QBs, but for now he will be the one taking snaps. Also, how cool is it that we have a Ryker Fyfe I, Tommy Armstrong II, Ron Kellogg III, and Johnny Stanton IV as backups? It’s like royalty on these sidelines!

4. Zack Zenner is a beast. Can FCS players win the Heisman? He might make a run at it. Get it? Run, like running back. He put up 202 yards against the Huskers, and he added a 21-yard reception. Granted, 169 of those rushing yards came in the first half, before Nebraska really buckled down. So maybe he’s not that great against semi-funtional defenses.

5. JACKRABBITS BE GONE! RUN AWAY! Memorial Stadium is only big enough for one Jack, and everyone knows exactly who that is. Johnny Stanton IV (another dynamic run/pass QB on the Husker roster – seriously the next three to four years on offense will be grand) showed his support for Jack Hoffman in an awesome way:

Besides, his girlfriend (Miss Nebraska) is smokin’ hot, he’s got more rushing yards this season than MSU, and has more touchdowns than Purdue! She looks a little upset he’s eating all the popcorn, but she needs to maintain that figure anyway.

Enjoy that popcorn Jack, because once you put a ring on it, half of that is hers, maybe more – she looks pretty high maintenance with that crown.

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh

Preview: Nebraska vs. SDSU

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BannerTo highlight the Husker game this weekend, I had a grand idea of exploiting the confusion between SDSU (South Dakota State University) and SDSU (San Diego State University), but that doesn’t seem fair because SDSU is much better than SDSU. All-time records show Nebraska handily trounced SDSU in something like 1784, their first meeting. The most recent meeting, in 2010, resulted in an SDSU loss (17-3), but the Huskers looked flat.  We can’t do that this time.

Nebraska comes into this game limping after another beating by UCLA and some asshole releasing a tape of Bo Pelini’s 2011 tirade that cursed Nebraska fans. It’s been an emotional week, and the team, while saying they remain steadfast in their focus, has likely heard it all. They are probably exhausted. Like, just-got-home-from-Disneyland-after-eating-a-bunch-of-funnel-cake-and-Dole-pineapple-whip-and-hugging-Goofy tired.

Not only that but… Taylor Martinez will most likely sit out with another case of turf toe. I don’t mean to alarm anyone but SON OF A BITCH, WE NEED TO BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, ALL HANDS ON DECK, PULL UP THE DRAW BRIDGE, PUNCH SHIT, LIGHT FIRES. THE GUY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO WIN THAT TROPHY FOR US IS HURT AND IT’S HIS DAMN TOE AGAIN AND WHO KNOWS IF IT WILL EVER GET BETTER.

Oh god, I’m so nervous. SDSU is good, or so it seems. They have a dynamic running back in Zack Zenner – who may also star as a porn star on some backwoods website with a name like that. He leads the FCS in rushing yards, and since the Huskers can’t stop the run, we may as well just let him walk to the endzone.

SDSU hasn’t turned the ball over this season. I’M TALKING TO YOU, SJB. THIS MEANS YOU, CIANTE. Interceptions. Lots of them. Make them fumble. Our offense could really learn something from these kids. Lets table the turns. They cough it up, we hold on to it. It’s a wonderful strategy. They are +11 in turnovers. We have to fuck this up for them. I will tolerate nothing less than 6 turnovers, in any combination of fumbles and interceptions.

SDSU’s go-to wide receiver is Jason Schneider, a man who is setting career highs in all sorts of categories since the season started. The strategy here is to not let him catch the ball. Then we need to make sure to score touchdowns.

A couple of notes for the week:

1. Bo needs to prove everyone wrong. He should go out there the same as he always does and coach the fuck out of this uber-talented team. There’s not much he could say to a stadium of 90,000+ fans to sway them. If he grabs the mic, it should be one hell of a ride. He might do himself a favor by saying “Fuck you South Dakota State University fans, no one ever even knew you were the state above us. We thought you were just the badlands of North Dakota’s wastewater, seeping ever closer to our Holy Land. We only knew you existed after our 6-ranked team put up only 17 points against you in 2010. Oh boy, you frothing cunts should have heard that recording.”

2. SDSU is giving up more than 400 yards per game. That’s good for us, but not good enough. I’d like to see the Huskers put up 600 to instill confidence. SDSU also is barely giving up 100 yards on the ground. The solution? Give the ball to Abdullah. Theres 100+ right there! Give the ball to Newby. 80 more yards! Give the ball to Imani Cross-the-goaline. POINTS. These gents can run. No FCS defense will hold them to less than 100 yards total. Right? I mean, that doesn’t sound logical. Right? These guys are TANKS. They’ll get it done. 215 yards rushing. In the first half. There’s my call. Don’t make me look bad, boys.

3. Ugh, Jackrabbits. I get it, your state felt the need for two universities and the other one got to pick the name first: the Coyotes. That’s your state animal, and a glorious one at that. So you chose Jackrabbits. You do realize they are in almost every state, right? That’s not unique. They aren’t even threatening. They are scared of EVERYTHING. They run fast, sure, but they run fast away from danger. SDSU couldn’t pick something like the Mountain Lions, Black Bears, or Swift Foxes? ALL indigenous to the state of South Dakota. There were so many options. They could have been the Fringe-Tailed Myotises. Look at these things!

Look at it. It’s so fucking revolting. Those ears. Those teeth. It’s like some mutant rat got all the ugly of his family, grew wings, and developed a tasted for insects and small birds. Thus becoming a Myotis. Bats are scary as shit. They are not fun. Rabbits are fun. Rabbits are cute and cuddly and sweet and like carrots and the like. Bats are hell. They eat living things. They are silent hunters of the night and will eat your ears and toes off while you try to relax in the cool of a summer night with your sweetie and a glass of riesling to accompany your cheese plate. Opposing teams would would be terrified! “SDSU? Nope! No way! Uh Uh! We’ll take the loss. One of them things ate my foot last summer.”

Rabbits run from people, Myotises will eat people. That’s fumble No. 1, SDSU. Prepare for more. For you. You’ll fumble. We won’t (hopefully).

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh

Recap: Nebraska vs. UCLA – The Recrap

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Last week, my preview said that the Cornhuskers needed to come out, buttholes blazing, ready to shit on UCLA’s chest. We instead shit the bed. I don’t know if I’m still hungover from the game or the wedding I was in that night.

I woke up that morning with stars in my eyes and a cloudy head. But despite the pain, I just knew we were going to to win. I was so confident. I didn’t mind that I might only watch one half of the game due to groomsmanly duties in preparation of the wedding later on.

I grabbed some water, took my morning doodie, and mentally prepped myself to not rub it into the groom and the 10 other groomsmen (yes, 10) who would be cheering for UCLA because they don’t know where Nebraska is.

After UCLA had to punt on their first drive, I felt pretty relieved. It was a good start. But once Nebraska punted on their first drive for the third consecutive game, I was none too pleased. I sat in my bed, grumpy, yet comfortable. Not with the game, but this bed was one of the nicest I’ve ever been in.

Then Pope Stanley Jean-Baptiste intercepted the great Brett Hundley! Whoa, this INT thing is becoming a trend! I silently – so as not to disturb my fellow groomsman in the other bed – jumped up and positioned myself to watch the glorious replay. Four plays later, the Huskers were on the board 7-0. I raised both my hands in triumph. I sat back down on the cloud bed. I prepared for a win.

Despite UCLA scoring on the next drive, I felt good, and mildly numb due to the booze continuing to course through my veins. On the next possession, the Huskers strung together a 17-play drive (without a turnover! OMG) and Taylor found Quincy in the end zone for their second time that day. 14-3!! I jumped up and had the most raucous and fist-pumping silent  celebration ever. It was my own little solo mosh pit, absent of sound.

The first quarter ended, and I started to prep myself for the day. I woke up the sleepy groomsman and we preened for the nuptials. A UCLA punt, a Nebraska 2nd and 30, a Nebraska punt, and a UCLA downs turnover later…AFRO THUNDER! Taylor found Kenny Bell to go up 21-3. This game is in the bag! What an awesome first half! More moshing! More yelling! Hangover headache!

But the first half wasn’t over. Somehow, with only 7:12 left, UCLA managed three drives: two that resulted in missed field goals (WHAT?) and one that resulted in a touchdown. I can handle the touchdown, if it came on maybe 1 of 3 drives, but the other two weren’t botched scoring opportunities. A 21-10 lead isn’t horrible going into half, usually. But this is Nebraska. If anyone can screw the pooch, it’s Nebraska. This time it marked the crumbling of a team. We were gliding smoothly, but UCLA came in to send us heels over head.

We went in at half with no momentum (it’s a thing, I promise you). I hoped it would rejuvenate us, but it didn’t. We had nothing to show.

By the time the second half started, we had met with the wedding party for brunch. Beers and food had been provided. It was going to be a good day. Nebraska would win. I’d get a healthy buzz. I’d have a full tummy. Until…

Thirty-eight points. THIRTY-EIGHT EFFING POINTS. UNANSWERED!! There’s absolutely no point in trying to break down the breakdown. It’s been done a hundred times – maybe thousands – in the days since then. There’s nothing more to say.

I watched the game with the 10 other groomsmen, the groom, his father, and his grandfather. His grandfather doesn’t even know me and he had no problem talkin’ shit! If it wasn’t wedding day…

Then, as if my day couldn’t get worse while UCLA ran squares around Nebraska, I grabbed one of the catered sandwiches that was brought to our hyper-modern house set in the hills of sunny Santa Barbara, overlooking countless miles of Pacific ocean…and it was mislabeled.

I took a bite of what was supposed to be a turkey-bacon-cheddar panini and instead got a mouthful of some salad stuffed between two slabs of cold wheat bread. I stood there at the edge of the Western world with a fistful of plants and dry bread, gazing over the deep blue, contemplating my life’s decisions that led me to such a deplorable misery.

I finished my vegetarian excuse for a sandwich, and tuxed myself up. I folded, unfolded, refolded, unfolded, and refolded my pocket square as the final seconds waned. I held onto hope as I tucked that little, white piece of silk into my jacket pocket, but it was to no avail. The score remained 41-21 when the clock hit zero. The Huskers never scored another point.

I was sad for a minute until I realize that I had a wedding to go to. A WEDDING. I had no time to mourn a loss. There were bigger things at hand. A WEDDING. A wedding where there would be booze and food and love and happy people. I had a friggin’ tux on, and I’ll be damned…I looked good. I was going to watch a great friend of mine get married to his beautiful bride. Nothing could ruin today, not even a Nebraska loss or a crappy sandwich.

Plus, it was comforting to know that later that night, while the groomsmen and bridesmaids roamed the streets of Santa Barbara, bellies full of wine and champagne, the Bride and Groom went went to the hotel and they sure as shit scored enough to make up for the Huskers’ shortcomings.

Footnote: Another couple attending the wedding snuck off to get naughty near the tiger exhibit at the Santa Barbara zoo during the reception. That pretty much makes up for anything bad that ever happened.

Recap: Nebraska vs. So. Miss. – So. Drunk.

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At some point before Saturday’s game, @FauxPelini tweeted something along the lines of asking people to send party pictures (since deleted). No one did. Husker fans were immediately called out.

I took this so hard. SO HARD. How dare she insult me when I have not had enough time to properly consume? She shot an arrow straight into my Big Red heart. I though to myself, “Oh no you didn’t Lyndsey Joyyy. I’ll show you.”

I showed her by getting extravagantly drunk.

I hardly remember any of the game. I sure showed Lyndsey. However, I do remember Pope Stanley Jean-Baptiste getting all up in the end zone after a beautiful pick. It made me happy. Very happy.

Pope SJB

So I dumped a bunch of beer into my face and became jolly and happy with my friends and family. I got a quick case of grumpy when the Huskers stalled after gaining only nine yards on their first offensive possession. I thought maybe the forgot-how-to-play-football bug had spread from the defense to the offense. But Sam Foltz’s leg went boom, and I really enjoyed that. I waited patiently because sometimes the bus that carries Taylor comes way late. Like second half late.

But the bus came so fast!! The rout was on. Enunwa TD. Evans TD (BLACKSHIRTS. WHAT?!). Someone handed me a mimosa. Then a Husker Power shot. Then a bloody Mary. Abdullah TD. Then another Husker Power shot. Husker Power shots are awful. They taste like a more watermelony Washington apple – the shot, not the food. But as long as the Huskers keep winning, I’ll keep pickling my liver with them.

I was trying to (and succeeding in) celebrating my birthday. My last vague memory of the game is Kenny Bell’s bobbly circus catch for a touchdown.

My unraveling came in the form of successive whiskey shots. Having friends that will buy you birthday shots when it’s not even your real birthday is awesome. It’s not awesome when they do it all at the same time. I think I remember Abdullah’s 37-yarder. I think I was jumping up and down with some random woman named Amy who kept hugging me and saying “Happy Birthday.” She bought me a drink, too. Thanks Amy! Husker fans are great people, but some of them are weird. Wonderfully weird.

One thing that remains though it all the drinks and the partying and slurring and lazy eyes is how quickly ye all of little faith can swing.

Because we want to protect him right? Or are you that mad? It could be either one at any given moment. So the Huskers punted and then So. Miss. scored a touchdown on three plays and we were off to the races.

Hey, here’s some perspective!

That’s a good thing! For the Huskers! What do you know?! BOOM! Everyone started the love again after a stellar Kenny Bell kickoff return and a slippery Ameer Abdullah run.

And then some drunk did this…

The hashtag execution is what gave away your sobriety MytchGraham. It wasn’t just your wild claims of an undefeated season and a national championship. Who would ever think that this is our year?

Follow me on twitter @blackshirtfresh for drunk tweets.