Preview: Nebraska vs. Iowa

Share Button

Preview Banner

If you ask me, #IowaHateWeek was a success. It didn’t take much, and that should be expected, when the overall record is 28-12-3 in favor of Nebraska.

The Cornhuskers are riding a 5-game win streak over Iowa that dates back to 1982, though some Iowans feel otherwise.

To be fair, I’d probably try to forget about the three previous wins, too (42-7, 42-7, 42-13) considering the Huskers have struggled a bit in recent years.

This year should prove to be no easier, as last year Nebraska won 13-7 over a 4-7 Iowa squad that has improved to 7-4 now. Going all flippy floppy on the record this year! And the 2013 Hawkeyes managed to beat Minnesota, which the Huskers couldn’t quite do.

I’m up for the challenge. I’ve known nothing of distaste for Iowa. My best friend since kindergarten has traveled back every year since I’ve known him. I’ve seen him cry. I’ve seen him yell. I’ve seen his parents and him inches from each other, screaming about why he didn’t want to go, and why they are going to make him. His reason? “THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ABOUT IOWA.”

At least at times, there’s at least one thing: The football team.

I know we don’t have Burkhead anymore, but we have  a competent, strong, healthy RB in Ameer Abdullah, and I’m willing to put some money on him hitting 100+ yards again.

AT LEAST you aren’t your cross-state rivals, the other Iowa team.

Poor Sexy Rexy. All he did was score a touchdown, and some pissy jock tried to rip his beautiful head off.

Anyhow. Iowa is weird. Lets looks at some of the reasons why.

Iowa allows blind people to obtain a permit to carry a handgun. I think I speak for the majority here when I say that this is probably a bad idea. If a blind person was riding a bike and hitting people with it, people would be freaking the fuck out! The only problem is that there is a greater likelihood of grievous injury or death when a random person is hit with a bullet rather than a bike. My good friend Jimmy Kimmel will help me out here.

Oh my god. Jimmy is a dick. But really, it’s nothing against anyone who is partially or fully blind. It’s the fact that sight plays a major role in the operation of a device that is designed to kill things. Way to go, Iowa. Way to go.

On second thought, I’d probably prefer you give the gun to the blind guy rather than Ryan Seacrest.

A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public. Jordan Westerkamp will NOT be getting any strange next year. Time to revamp next year’s M4W Craigslist ads!

A one-armed pianist must play free of charge. I don’t understand. This is something people would pay for! A lot of money! Help the guy out. The average musician already doesn’t make a huge living, and to take away another source of income is absurd. People with one arm are already limited. They can’t be aircraft marshalls. They are at a significant disadvantage with shadow puppetry or juggling. Cat’s Cradle is near impossible. Just look at this guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VE10CqujmpA

YOU CAN’T TELL ME HE IS NOT WORTHY OF PAY! I can only think that this was put into place to make sure that one one-armed musician in particular got paid very well. Fuck you, Iowa.

That’s Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen. He only has one arm and he gets to make fistfulls of money!

Doctors who treat a person with gonorrhea must report this to the local board of health and include the disease’s “probable origin.” This is a great idea. Why not put it into public record?! “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS SCARRED AND DAMAGED HARLOT!”

Lets get this straight. Someone contracted a TREATABLE DISEASE but Iowa still feels it necessary to put some indelible ink on it and speculate the probably origin. IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE CORRECT ORIGIN! There are plenty of reasons someone might contract gonorrhea, but Iowa… Oh, Iowa. NO PRIVACY! Just barely stopping short of forcing them to wear a scarlet A.

This is Iowa
This is everyone else.

THIS IS THE FOUNDATION OF SLUT SHAMING.

Iowa, slut shaming since 1846. However, here comes the curveball.

It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. No one gives a shit if you’re happily (or unhappily) fuckin’ in a parked car, but if you contract gonorrhea during this particular coital session, errbody gonna know.

This is legal, nevermind the jump ropes. And that’s great that the officer must give you two minutes to finish up your business. This is likely due to the fact that if you’re having sex in a car, you’re likely still in high school, and finishing up in two minutes is no tall order.

Alternatively, this could be to prevent the officer from being tempted into something salacious, as those guys in New Mexico are wont to do. Those handcuffs work in many ways, you know.

This could actually pass as a win. No one wants to be caught with their pants down, and it’s sweet of the state to prevent some sort of humiliation that might end up being associated with sexual acts gone public. OH WAIT GONORRHEA NEVERMIND.

Within Ottumwa city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know. Seriously, this state sends the worst mixed messages. What would happen to poor Avery Moss if he went to school there?

In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. I’m not going to elaborate. This is the fucking dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT CAN BURN IN 15 MINUTES?

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them. Why is that you may ask?

A group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot. 

“OOOOO SO CLOSE!!”

“Honey, load up the ol’ shotgun. There were five. Didn’t see the tiny one. She might even fit in our cupboard. Heh heh heh.” – Iowan Bluehairs

And here, we thought Washington’s NAME was offensive? How about them set of rules there from Iowa? Thank god that game was in Washington, or else there could have been some REAL carnage on our hands.

That should be enough. But in case you feel like you may need some more…

ENTER: VODKA SAM

Normally, those tweets would be the mating call that ruins me for life as I chase her until she puts a restraining order on me, or finally gives into my begging and pleading. But upon further review… I just can’t. She’s the female version of every guy friend I know. Dream killed. I look at her, I see Will. I hear her, I see Andy. I get a whiff of the vodka coming out of her pores, I see Eric. So instead of crushing, I have lumped her in with #IowaHateWeek.

Besides, she stole Taylor Martinez’s catchphrase, and he’s a wonderful person who can’t even play in the last home game of his career. That’s too far. TOO FAR VODKA SAM.

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh.

Recap: Nebraska at Penn State

Share Button

It almost happened. Karma almost came back to bite us, but it didn’t.

As I mentioned before the game, I was nervous that there’d be some sort of retribution from last year’s goal line fumble. The refs tried SO hard. So so hard. But in the end, it played out alright, I’d say.

It was apparently very cold.

Are you SURE about that Lanny?

Someone won’t be happy.

“But MOOOM, all the other kids get to go to the game!”

If these guys can do it, so can Bill.i

(As of publication, these two were still trying to unfurl their testes, lodged firmly between their livers and spleens.)

I guess there are worse places to be…

You’ll never be president with a mouth like that, young lady!

Way to jinx it.

“Yeah, GO NITT! BEAT CORN.” I’d rather eat corn.

It’s games like this, when it’s cold and windy apparently, that something very little can have a sweeping impact on the game later. In this case…

Hipster hate! Hating before it was cool to hate.

You should have maybe hoped harder.

Of course, the game did come down to that goal post, but not without some drama.

There was Quincy Enunwa’s touchdown catch that made everyone go “fuck yeah.”

And then takes the lead with a made PAT. LOL.

Then Nebraska did something that we NEVER see. A BLOCKED PUNT.

See. You didn’t believe me, but I told you!

Of course, it took the punter dropping the snap to get us out there, but hey…I’ll take it.

You should be sorry. you should ALL be ashamed of yourselves. There was an immeasurable amount of tweets that followed that same format.

How about ButterWORTHLESS?! Eh, eh.

(I’m really sad that didn’t get more love during the game. I thought I was so clever.)

Sadly, after coming up with some stellar field position, Ameer Abdullah fumbled. We got bit by the fumblebug.

Cue* – Ain’t nobody got time to translate your spanglish!

Thanks a lot BOBAMA.

So instead of a 14-6 lead (AHAHA MISSED PAT) at halftime, Nebraska went in only up 7-6.

So some shit happened, Penn State scored…AND THEN KENNY HAPPENED.

99*

Atta kid.

WHOA. Lot going on there.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. CAN YOU PEOPLE GET ANY WORSE?

I shouldn’t have asked…

You’re welcome, asshat. Keep in mind that shush there at the end. It comes back into play later.

Besides, he had the best photo of the day.

STARE AT IT STARE AT IT STARE AT IT.

*FAINTS*

More stuff happened, and then the CALL happened. With Nebraska down 20-17, Ameer tore off a touchdown run to only have it called back after a phantom penalty call. OMG it’s the karma.

OOO Dog face. Shots fired!

 

*SIGH*

The refs just can’t make it easy. After my careful and expert review, I determined that the penalty was a bit of BS. Sam Burtch made an insurance block, and that Penn State defender looks like he would have fallen over if there was a hot fart directed at him, let alone a half-assed block. That was a football play. Nothing other. Poor Ameer.

Nebraska, fumbled and Sam Burtch recovered it, keeping the Huskers’ hopes alive and simultaneously redeeming himself for something he didn’t need to redeem. A field goal, and a couple of punts later and we are headed to OVERTIME!!!

MAAAYBE he can redeem himself.

Such grammar.

Man, you guys are brutal. I’d like to see you get out there and do that.

Or Pat Smith.

Penn State held the Huskers on three downs, forcing a field goal to win. But of course it would not be that easy. Enter, referees.

Such. High hopes.

That’s because it was colder than a witch’s titty that night. But I bet he had Natty Ice running through his veins later! WOOOO.

Enter angry  Penn State:

High-quality shit talking here…

WELL IT WAS COLD. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

He wanted to hear the congratulatory praise from his teammates and your stadium was too loud for him to hear.

But he did. And he didn’t even HAVE to put his finger to his lips. He put the ball through the uprights, and that’s what counted.

If anything shushed Penn State, it was that whooshing sound of the Ficken’s missed field goal only a few minutes earlier. OOO BURN.

Enter Nebraska’s week 13 darling:

HAHAHA I CRACK MYSELF UP SO HARD. No really, though. Here he is. You can continue to crucify the guy above for all I care.

Atta boy Pat. You keep wooing them ladies!

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh

Preview: Nebraska at Penn State

Share Button

Preview Banner

The way this season is going, I can’t help but feel there’s going to be some sort of karmic retribution for the lack of “indisputable evidence” that may or may not have changed the momentum (and outcome) in last year’s Memorial Stadium matchup.

That was tight end Matt Lehman (possibly) crossing the goal line, but also (possibly) fumbling. The ruling on the field was a fumble, and there was not enough evidence to reverse the call. If Lehman had scored, it puts Penn State up 30-27. Granted, with 8:57 left, who knows how it would have played out. Nebraska still could have scored a field goal or touchdown in later drives. But it didn’t come down to that, and it took away something important. Momentum.

The elusive MOMENTUM. It can be quite fleeting. That’s why I’m worried.

I don’t know if I’d say I’m paranoid, but I feel like Carl Pelini on a Saturday night in Margaritaville. That call, while never fully resolved, has GOT to bite us in the ass at some point.

Some would say it’s payback for the 1982 sideline catch that gave Penn State the opportunity to win that game, and head to the National Championship, giving the Huskers their only loss of the season and keeping them from playing for the title. The ref crew admitted it was the wrong call. Even more oddly, Nebraska won out convincingly, with only one close game with #11 Oklahoma. Huskers won 28-24. A #3 Big Red beat #13 LSU 21-20 in the Orange Bowl. That pass also involved a tight end. What is it with those guys?

It could be argued that Penn State maybe didn’t deserve the #2 rank (they didn’t), especially after being trounced by Alabama the week after the win that wasn’t supposed to be a win over Nebraska. Ugh. I wasn’t even born and I’m still pissed about that.

All because of the Crooked Sideline. That field is trying SO hard to be Oklahoma.

Some would say last year’s phantom fumble was payback for the 1994 AP National Championship. Both teams were undefeated, but the title was not shared. No one knows why. More clusterfuck, as usual in College Football.

But that doesn’t work. See, in 1982 and 2012, it were the refs that had the deciding call. Not in 1994. That was something entirely out of the actual game. It doesn’t count. That retribution is still waiting in the wings.

What are we looking at for this matchup?

Hope for some of this…

Because that’s HILARIOUS.

See, even Beliebers (?) think that’s funny.

And apparently, there’s an an acting school at Penn State. Or diving. BALLET. That’s a hell of a pirouette.

WHAT THE HELL BUTTERWORTH.

I feel you, bro.

Honestly, I’m going to be real bummed if there is not an abundance of syrup, South Park, and general margarine  jokes about this guy. It’s his last game at Beaver Stadium! Talk some smack.

Speaking of…I hate that it’s Beaver Stadium and their name is Nittany Lions. I know it’s named after the former Pennsylvania governor James A. Beaver, and he was also a trustee, yadda yadda. His name really should have been James A. Nittany Lion if he wanted so badly to get his name on the stadium. LIONS PROBABLY EAT BEAVERS.

Anyway… Hopefully the Huskers don’t have it too hard this weekend. I mean, look at these guys.

OMG LOOK AT THEM THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS LIKE A BUNCH OF SALLIES. THIS GAME IS GOING TO BE SOOOOO EASY! HAHAHAHA

…Wait. That’s a thing? LIke a real thing? A SOLIDARITY THING? THEY ARE SO SOLID THEY HOLD HANDS?! Oh man. Can’t wait for karma to start out with that blunder.

Don’t worry guys. Handsome Ameer has this, karma or not.

Of course that’s preposterous. There’s no way he goes for fewer than 400.

Follow me on Twitter because I will probably be drunk and tweeting in ALL CAPS a lot. @blackshirtfresh

Recap: Nebraska vs. Michigan State

Share Button

Oy vey.

The most important thing we Nebraska fan’s learned after Saturday’s unravelling against Michigan State is that it’s going to be a long time before turnovers are a thing of the past.

The most important thing college football learned after Saturday’s game is that the hype surrounding MSU’s defense is undeserved, at the least.

They’re good, but not great. They aren’t the defensive juggernaut that analysts and journalists verbally fellate.

Three turnovers on the FIRST THREE POSSESSIONS has got to be some kind of record at Nebraska.

Ohhhh boy. Here we go. I’ll let my friends help explain this to you.

PLUS HE WAS LOOKING STRAIGHT IN THE SUN.

…of your ass. I assume that’s what she meant. Tommy Armstrong had Sam Burch wide open on the sideline. Ugh. Mental error.

They did. THEY DID! How awesome is that?

On to the next one.

So sad. He’ll be back. He’s young. He’ll learn.

This inflates stats and drums up hype. Kurtis made the tackle. There was no ball contact. Westerkamp let his arm and ball leave his body creating an opportunity to fumble the ball. An opportunity that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Westerkamp fielded that punt at the 8-yard line. He should have let it go, and it hopefully bounces into the end-zone. Even if he doesn’t do that, he should fair-catch that fuckin’ thing because he was about to get drilled.

Let the punt roll, no fumble. Fair-catch, no fumble. Two mistakes led to the fumble mistake. An error in execution, if you will.

These are not forced turnovers. These are what I like to call collective fuckery.

Tommy fumbled two more times, and of course, only one of those was forced.

This is correct.

This too.

NO NO NO NO NO. You’re only half right. Calhoun caused the fumble. A lack of execution caused the others.

I just face-palmed so hard I broke my nose.

So what about the last fumble? Nebraska the proud new owner of a buttfumble.

Pregnancy, much like fumbling, cannot be blamed on you if you pull out early enough. Remember that, guys.

Cole Pensick mis-timed his movement. TA2 pulled out early. It created the fumble fucker. This was on our own 1-yard line. Sparty recovered on the 3, and scored on the next play. It was inevitable. It’s not a stretch of the imagination that even a wonky defense can score from three yards out.

In conclusion: MSU’s defensive stats, and points after turnovers (24), were handed to them. The starting field position for each score after a turnover? Nebraska’s 40, 22, 8, and 3. All resulted in a touchdown except for the drive that started on the 40, which resulted in a field goal after 12-yard drive.

The interception in the first quarter led to a drive that started on the Nebraska 46 and was moved to the MSU 44 after a holding call. Nebraska still gave up 12 yards, but managed to get the punt. Without that holding call? That’s 3 more points on the board fro MSU. We got “lucky” there.

But MSU was luckier. The defense didn’t do a whole lot to give the MSU the ball all the time. WE did it. We gave up the ball. We gave them the opportunity to pound their chests and boast about the defense. We gave the MSU offense a gazillion chances to show they aren’t incompetent.

Think about this: Nebraska only had the ball for 21 minutes, 23 seconds, and STILL put up 28 points on MSU. WITH A PATCHWORK OFFENSE. Everybody is hurt. The line is held together with spit and glue. We’re torn up.

And THAT Nebraska offense, with so little time and wasting FIVE opportunities on turnovers, still managed to run for 182 yards and pass for 210 yards. No TEAM has rushed for more than 100 yards, and Ameer Abdullah did it with plenty of room to spare.

Only once had anyone rushed for more than 20 yards on one play against MSU, yet Imani Cross had a 51-yard run that resulted in a touchdown, after being touched by a total of zero Spartans. Ameer added another 29-yard run.

Sam Burtch had a touchdown catch of 32 yards after being covered by a total of zero Spartans. Kenny Bell had a touchdown jump-ball catch for 38 yards.

Nebraska took 1:48 to move the ball 75 yards on their last-ditch drive of the game when Ameer scored the last touchdown. With a third-string quarterback.

392 total yards. That’s what MSU gave up. Good. But not great.

All of the above is not characteristic of a team that gets the hype that it does, especially against an offense that’s “not that great.”

In a game with hundreds of What Ifs, lets take a look at one of them. Lets assume the game goes exactly as it did instead of one drive.

What if Tommy doesn’t fumble on the goal line? Lets say that the drive goes exactly as planned, and Nebraska scores. MSU never scores. That’s a 14-point swing. Plus 7 in our favor, minus 7 for MSU. 35-34 Nebraska. Oh, and then that’s 491 yards racked up on the best defense in the country. But the defense didn’t save MSU from giving up those extra 99 yards. That would be NEBRASKA’s miscue.

You can play that scenario with any of the three turnovers that resulted in touchdowns. It’s how the game works though, the mistake cannot be reversed.

What if there were NO turnovers. Or just one? What if the Blackshirts were lights out? What if every turnover resulted in a score for Nebraska. Take 24 points off of MSU. Add anywhere from 15 to 35 points for Nebraska.

This game could have should have gone a million other ways with Nebraska winning. But it didn’t, thanks in no small part to barfy ball handling skills. Nebraska punted 5 times. MSU 7. This makes me think Nebraska’s defense is better than MSU’s, and the numbers show it. But a steadily improving defense is often overlooked when there’s a steadily declining defense whose reputation still resonates for some reason. Hellooooo OSU smoke show.

Some people think otherwise.

Oh fuck it, lets get to the people that agree with me:

From the mouth of babes.

Says anyone that isn’t a Spartan fan.

But the best tweet about this entire situation goes to…

You may have noticed I skipped over the fake field goal attempt. MSU’s “Charlie Brown” that was supposed to be a “Lucy” but actually neither of those because the holder was supposed to read the defense and go through with the kick, but he misread the defense and came up with some Linus bullshit and got the first down.

However, if I’m drunk at a bar in the midafternoon and I can see that field goal coming, the coaches should have too. A coach jacked up on the kool-aid about his stupid fuckin’ defense that has a 6-pt lead in the 4th quarter? Yeah, he’s gonna tell his kids they have the option to fake. And guess what? By their own admission, they shouldn’t have. But they did, we fell for it, and the whole situation on MSU’s sideline became a clusterfuck of inflated defensive egos, amateur psychology, misread defense, and a made-up running route combined to make Nebraska look stupid. It was a collision of mistakes for MSU that became a happy accident.

I’m not bitter though.

Follow me on twitter @blackshirtfresh so you can hear me whine more.

Preview: Nebraska vs. Michigan State

Share Button

Preview Banner

I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but this Saturday’s matchup against Michigan State is probably the biggest game of the year for the Cornhuskers.  The general consensus is that the winner of this game wins the Legends division and heads to the B1G championship.

This assumes two things:
1. MSU will not lose again, including Saturday’s game.
2. If Nebraska pulls off the upset (7-point underdogs at home), they too will not lose again. But because everyone thinks Nebraska is only eking out the wins, most people will not say that a Penn State at home matchup is no lock, and neither is a strengthening Iowa team coming to Memorial Stadium.

Thus, I’ve come to the conclusion that no one thinks Nebraska is going to win on Saturday because no one is confident that the Huskers will win out. Saying that the winner of the game will head to the B1G championship is a thinly veiled way of saying “Hey Sparty, congrats on your impending win!” Hang on, let me dig something out of my pocket here…

“Oh hey that’s funny, look what I have for you! Seriously, here’s another one.”

Maaaaybe, I’m reading into everything a little too much. But you can’t really blame me. This is a nerve-wracking weekend! MSU has given up roughly 391 yards rushing this ENTIRE SEASON. That’s about 43.4 per game. The most they have allowed this season? 92.

Holy balls, that defense is a brick wall. But it’s something we Huskers know about and hopefully have prepared for. Ameer Abdullah alone is averaging 134.7 yards per game. This season, he’s been held under 100 yards only once, against UCLA. He rushed for 98 yards. Something has to give on Saturday. Lets hope it’s their defensive line because we’d like to keep Ameer healthy and avoid the following debacle…

Sparty’s defense has only faced one top-40 rusher this season (Tevin Coleman, Indiana, No. 20), and that guy put up 79 yards himself. Ameer is a smaller back, which hopefully will translate to slipping through the cracks and using some wiggle to get past the line. He’s such a powerful back, maybe they’ll just dive out of the way. It’s something Sparty is good at.

I took this from a Michigan blog. I don’t care. It isn’t any less hilarious.

I think this will be a much more interesting game than Vegas assumes. Nebraska’s steadily improving defense will be no easy task for MSU. And the Cornhuskers have (arguably) the best (potential) offense that Sparty has to face. The Vegas line has Nebraska at +6.5. Which is a crock of shit.

Stanford’s line over USC is 3.5. THREE POINT FIVE. This is implying that USC will manage to keep up against the Cardinal after one of the most potent offenses in the nation (Oregon) couldn’t come within 6. I think these betting lines have been switched, because fuck, why not?!

Granted, USC is not as bad as they were when they got rid of that Kiffin bloke, but I don’t think many people would fall victim to betting that Stanford won’t cover the spread.

REMINDER: Vegas thinks MSU is a stronger favorite over Nebraska AT MEMORIAL STADIUM, than Stanford is over USC.

Well I know some bros that will be happy enough about that to punch each other in the face…

Lets all just wait until the game is over to start acting like Nebraska sucks so bad. Ya dicks.

Ugh. Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh for enthusiastic bitching.

Recap: Nebraska at Michigan – Bringin’ Down the Big House

Share Button

Continue reading Recap: Nebraska at Michigan – Bringin’ Down the Big House

Preview: Nebraska at Michigan

Share Button

As many a teenage philosopher and aging rockstar have pointed out, there’s often a chasm between what we want and what we need. Usually, as they was poetic, we get what we need. However, that chasm is hardly a crack in the sidewalk this weekend for Nebraska fans.

Want: Big, easy, no-drama, healthy win. Need: Win

However, when our needs and our wants so closely align, what we get is usually neither. And since Michigan hasn’t lost in the Big House since Nov. 20, 2010, to a #7 Wisconsin (some might say this means they are due for a loss, but I’m not bold enough to make that kind of claim) there’s no way of predicting the kind of game we are going to see.

I’ll kick it over to star future Heisman-winning running back Ameer Abdullah to give us one certainty. In recounting the Huskers’ last trip to Michigan in which they were stomped 45-17…

“I didn’t play much, but, just being there, Michigan fans are nasty, man. They’re ruthless. I wouldn’t have it any other way…honestly, I’m not a big fan of Michigan. Nothing would make me happier than go up there and shut them up.”

I get the feeling Abdullah is right… Just look at this bloke.

IN THE FACE!!!

Not only are they apparently big jerks, they also are spoiled big jerks. Sometimes, Beyonce creates personalized messages for the team and then the band does halftime shows and things like that. *Makes jerking off motion*

Beyonce Michigan

I have no idea how that monstrosity didn’t curse Michigan that day. Beyonce, girl, you beautiful  when you walking down the street, but when you perform you look like a damn hooligan fool. Getchyo shit together!

Additionally, Michigan fans apparently also have a real low bar for what is considered funny. Buzzfeed, in all of its infinite wisdom, deemed Jake Butt’s following tweet “Tight end named ‘Butt’ authors greatest tweet about being a tight end that is a chocolate starfish” or something like that. *Continues jerking off motion*

If this is what’s considered the greatest of anything, I may as well quit life. This passes for humor in Michigan, apparently a humorless state. There are far better options here. Nothing about a buttfumble? Too easy.

How about when you blow the game, dropping the go-ahead TD in the endzone? “Who’s the asshole now?”

Next time you’re tackled, “Nip it in the butt.” Note: The correct terminology is “nip it in the bud” but we assume stupidity in this case.

Next time you’re stripped, “Pulled it out of my ass on that one.”

Or just general hilarity.

“I really like when homeless people pick me up out of ash trays and light me up.”

“Good thing my last name isn’t deodorant because then I’d have to play Right Guard.”

“If I were a dwarf, I’d be a semi-colon.”

“Just drank a pitcher of beer in 23 seconds. Butt Chug.”

“Just got laid… Butt fuck. LOLOLOL.”

Step up your game Jake, you’re making the rest of the puckered cornholes upset.

And last, but surely not least, Michigan fans are pent up. They’re hard up. They need a release. More than 100,000 of them rubbing together in the Shit House isn’t enough. They are the physical manifestation of six-to-midnight. Why?

Alright Ameer, bring the mace and shut up the fans. With a win, you’ll not only help our chances of getting to the B1G Championship, but you’ll preserve the piping system through all of the Michigan dorms for years to come.

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh while I perpetuate the hate machine that I…hate.

Recap: Nebraska vs. Northwestern

Share Button

Saturday, November 2, 2013, will go down in Nebraska folklore as the day that an offensive lineman threw a 49-yard Hail Mary to a young Ron Jeremy to beat Northwestern as time expired.

(And quietly, our main man Ameer Abdullah took the lead for rushing yards in the Big Ten, something I predicted last week. He’s now the 5th leading rusher in the nation. Edit: 6th after Tuesday night’s game, behind by only 15 yards.)

It saved a few jobs…for now. It rejuvenated a fan base…for now.  It made a lot of people happy…for now.

But there were a lot of things that had to wrong before Kellogg-to-Westerkamp reared its beautiful, mustachey head.

Before the game:
1. An ugly loss to UCLA.
2. A Bo Pelini leaked audio  of him cursing the fans.
3. An injured starting QB who was supposed to kick ass, but can’t do that because he may break a toe.
4. A confusing and seemingly  illogical two QB system that doesn’t make much sense to anyone, even Bo.
5. An uglier loss to Minnesota that marred the return of star QB.
6. A pot-smoking, coke-snorting (only once?) former defensive coordinator that is related to our head coach. Oh wait… HAHAHA
7. Questions about the Blackshirts and their ability.
8. The once-named Blackshirts had their Blackshirts taken away.
9. All of the above leading to a disgruntled Husker fan base, on the edge of their seats, and wildly pessimistic.

Gameday:
1. Jamal Turner out.
2. Kenny Bell hurt in the first quarter.
3. A missed field goal
4. Giving up long runs to a 4th (FOURTH ARE YOU KIDDING?!) string running back.
5. Dropped passes
6. FOUR interceptions.

Let’s get down to it. After the first drive, fans went something like this.

Welcomed with positive reviews! Go Tommy!

Oh how quickly the mighty can fall… We needed to keep in mind that despite our good start, we had to keep it into perspective.

Despite my best efforts, no one listened. Northwestern scored on their next possession, forced the Huskers to punt, and then scored again.

That’s pretty neato you have that photo on hand…

Here’s where it got good.

Seriously guys!

And by good, I meant completely unoriginal and repetitive.  Follow those with a missed field goal. Repeat above tweets 10-fold.

Sometime shortly into the second quarter, a Ron Kellogg interception led to a 2-play drive that resulted in a touchdown. 21-7 Northwestern.

Interesting… foreshadowing of something to come.

Reminder: HE WAS FOURTH ON THE DEPTH CHART AT ONE POINT.

Have faith, ye of little faith.

Sorry. Wut? *Points to conference standings.* *Points to 0-4 Northwestern.* *Looks at Joe like he just farted applesauce.*

At least someone is asking the right question. I think I know what is going on here…

Oh, because suddenly we are mind readers… NO ONE CAN SEE YOU POINTING AT YOUR TV YOU DOOFUS AND NO ONE KNOWS YOU’RE AT THE GAME. IN YOUR FIRST TWEET THIS MEANS NORTHWESTERN/NEBRASKA. YOU DIDN’T EVEN MENTION YOU’RE WATCHING OR AT A GAME. HOW ARE YOU A JOURNALIST?

I can just imagine how your conversations regularly go.
Joe: This is cool
Joe’s friend on the phone: What’s cool?
Joe: The thing in my hand!
Joe’s friend on the phone: What the fuck is in your hand?
Joe: THIS!
*click*

On the ensuing drive, Armstrong got some of his mojo back, on a pass to Enunwa.

OH. MY. GOD. That spelling is atrocious. I hope your adviser fails all of you. Especially because this (take notes, Joe, there’s a link there) was your station’s last tweet Saturday. A mere 24 hours later you emerged with no mention of the game. Way to report on the most important thing that happened to your football team you homer. Anyway…

I’d be so mad at this joke if I hadn’t made it before. And later…

That means you don’t want any of your father’s business, and I find that to be an unhealthy relationship. Moving on to more exciting things.

Did you do that on purpose?

Ahhh yes, you must have, Matt. Unless you’re an accidental genius, and in that case whatever.

For America, God dammit! *Cue Lee Greenwood.* “GOD BLESS THE U.S.AAAA!”

Guys! Just you wait. JUST. YOU. WAIT.

The score stayed the same and some stuff happened and then INTERCEPTION.

Basically, no one is happy. I’m facedown in a pile of buffalo sauce and beer, my brother is beating up a homeless man, and the man sitting three down from me is still going on about a missed holding call in the second quarter (one of these is true).

"You mean.... #Jordy?"
“You mean…. #Jordy? But you can call me Jesus if you want.”
“Yeah bro, chill out.
#JordyJesus and I know what we doin’.”

You get your wish.

It just seemed so bleak…

No Taryn. NO. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU.

And then…

HOLY SHIT

EVERYONE LOVES THEM.

EVEN YOU? Like it’s some sort of privilege. Surely he’ll have plenty of ladies to choose from.

See? Already starting.

Mostly dudes… But it seems not everyone was on board.

YOU GO HOME ALEXIS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

And for anyone that was wondering, Westercamp laid it down hard that night…

Kellogg was too happy to be bothering with blow jobs and mustache rides. In his words, he just blacked out and ran.

You guys are so mean… There are benefits.

While some were debating whether Kellogg was fat or just wore thick pads, others were nice.

And of course tides turned.

*Sigh* We are a finicky bunch of folks, that’s for sure.

That’s probably the best idea I’ve heard all week!

But really, what’s important here, is that a lot had to go wrong before we could celebrate as hard and as passionately as we did. A hurt Jamal Turner was replaced by Jordan Westerkamp, a walk-on redshirt freshman. A shaky Tommy Armstrong was pulled at the end of the game. If that missed field goal gets made, it’s possible the Huskers win on a defensive stand, and the Blackshirts revel in the glory. But it’s not the same as a Hail Mary.

Everything leading up to the Hail Mary is what made is special. Sure, an undefeated Husker team would still celebrate a Hail Mary win and the fans would breathe a sigh of relief and still go nuts. But a downtrodden fan base in need of a pick-me-up, a coach possibly on the out, a team full of injuries, a game full of mistakes. It has a different energy. It all makes sense later.

You see what I’m saying? Sometimes you need shitty things to happen in order to enjoy those unique moments. All of those dropped passes, those four interceptions, the missed field goal, the punts…they played an integral part in the making of this story. It all has to go wrong before it goes right.

Even Kellogg played a big part in his own Cinderella story. Say he doesn’t throw that first interception, and the Huskers continue downfield for a touchdown? Suddenly it’s a different game, and a likely ho-hum ending. Or the whole situation is flipped! Northwestern may have won on a Hail Mary. Imagine how we’d feel then. The things we’d say.

We needed those interceptions. We needed Quincy to drop that ball with 4 seconds left. It hurt at the time, but it was a blessing. The Huskers may not have gotten the ball spiked with enough time. They might not have made the field goal. Even if the field goal is made, there’s no guarantee of a win in overtime. But with Kellogg’s pass and Westerkamp’s interception, that W is on the board now and everyone released the powder keg full of tension and anger and sadness and I-could-coach-better-than-Bo claims.

Ron, if you’re fat, then I’m morbidly obese these days. Jordan, you keep rocking the ‘stache. I can’t grow anything like that, so you keep doin’ you. Only you two guys could share that moment. You guys are the ones that made it unique.

So, Ron and Jordan, be proud of yourselves and revel in all of this glory. You deserve it. The team deserves it. The fan base deserves it. We thank you for it. You breathed some life into a lot of people, and maybe some people’s jobs.

Or maybe not…

What about an Our Father?

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh for more long-winded recaps.

Afterthought: Ameer great job you are amazing and you still deserve the Heisman I just got so wrapped up in the hate machine that I didn’t include you and your amazing performance. You’re so good keep it up and next year you’re going to lift that trophy. YAY.

Preview: Nebraska vs. Northwestern

Share Button

Preview Banner

Oy, here we go. NU comes into NU, and no one knows what the hell might happen. Northwestern has lost four in a row after winning their first four. Nebraska is coming off of a loss that looked a lot more like a wet fart than the high-powered football we fans are  (almost delusionally) expecting.

Nebraska lacks the spark that often burst into comebacks last year. Look at that photo above. It’s pristine. A regular work of art. You couldn’t set it up if you tried. THESE ARE THE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITIES WE NEED. That’s Taariq Allen, nabbing a pass in the middle of the fourth quarter of the 2012 game at Northwestern. It brought the Huskers within five. Then T-Magic hit Ben Cotton 6 minutes later to take the lead. Then the Blackshirts did something amazing. THEY STOPPED NORTHWESTERN. That’s what we need! More Magic moments. Oh… what’s that?

Well that’s one tweet with a dumptruck full of happiness.

That’s… that’s actually pretty funny.

Taylor Martinez is out with turf toe, a hip pointer, separated shoulder, knobby knees, a hobbled heel, seventeen sutures, tennis elbow, clicky wrist, and a hangnail. Which means we will see Tommy Armstrong again! This pleases pretty much everyone.

No.

 

Yes.

I’ll have you know that  not ALL Californians are spoiled brats, Luke.
*Gets into the Porsche dad bought after I didn’t blow it during probation*

"They've figured out my back-up plan"
“They’ve figured out my back-up plan”

This surely divides the fan base into two categories: Those who are happy, and those who are slightly less happy. However, those who are slightly less happy need not wait long until the great Ron Kellogg III comes in two drives later.

Says who?!
*Checks stats. Shuts up.*

HALF OF EVERYONE AGREES!

Oh, Bo.

This won’t make a whole lot of sense because this whole two-quarterback/two-drive thing doesn’t make sense to anyone but Bo Pelini and Tim Beck. They do this and it’s not too clear what the scheme is. We bring in ESPN the Ocho correspondent, Pepper Brooks.

(That .gif almost works perfectly because of Barney. Almost.)

This has the makings of a boring game, to say the least. Northwestern is ranked behind Nebraska in offensive production in three of the four major categories. The defenses are essentially the same by points allowed. Maybe this becomes a shootout and it’s way exciting! But then we just end up slamming our heads against the table half the time.

That’s where we need to give the ball more to Ameer Abdullah. That’s all that needs to be said there. He’s a Heisman-level player and we are keeping the ball out of his hands?! WHAT THE FUCK. You give him the ball all the damn time. If he says he can go, he goes, got it?

Just look at those arms and that smile. #SWOON

And if Ameer comes in and rocks the place, where does that leave us?

Here’s lookin’ at you Blackshirts. But they are no longer in existence, at least for the time being. So we are looking at the defense, which is giving up roughly 22 feet per first down. UGH. PLEASE SHOW UP.

If it’s a massacre, at least there are options available.

 

I endorse your non-endoresment endorsement, sir. C’mon Bo, win one for Carl. It’s the least you can do for a guy stuck at home ripping a bong and watching cartoons instead of College Football this coming Saturday.

I’ll see you all Saturday with my nose firmly pressed to the bar.

Follow me on the hate machine at @blackshirtfresh.

RecAPATHETIC: Nebraska at Minnesota

Share Button

The loss on Saturday was devastating. I was at a new bar, making new friends, all hyped up on our sure-win over Minnesota. It was not to be. Nonetheless, I still had it in me to write a recap, knowing there was sure to be good fodder on the Twitter. And then I read Twitter.

That’s the least of the spew that was hurled at Husker football players. Most of it had to do with dropped passes or sucking. I don’t want to draw any more attention to the people who get on a soapbox and berate a bunch of hard-working players that are still JUST KIDS. So I’m hardly writing a damn thing today.

Especially after some fool decided to liken Kenny Bell’s dog, Mox, getting hit by a car to his on-field performance. I could write tens of thousands of words on this subject, so I’ll refrain. It can be best summed up by: You don’t mess with a man’s dog.

This enraged a nation (or at least Twitter nation), and the internet was rife with people showering Kenny and his pup with love and prayers (the pup is now at home and doing well). This made me happy, but no less apathetic about stupid people.

So that’s about all you’re going to get from me. Three days late on the recap and I still just hate people.

To Recap:
1. The Huskers lost.
2. Twitter reacts unkindly, and mostly rudely.
3. Kenny Bell’s dog is hit by a car.
4. Imbecile uses this to tell Kenny he had a bad game, thus infuriating anyone with a brain.
5. Twitter reacts again, this time in support of Kenny.
6. My faith in humanity is restored because of number 5.
7. Search Twitter to write recap.
8. Determine people are assholes.
9. Give up, look toward next week.
10. Weep.

Other notes:
Tunnel Walk of Shame wrote the best article about Husker football this side of 2012.
– Carl Pelini is a pothead.

A closing note: To any one who feels it is their duty to berate, insult, make fun of, or otherwise be rude to a player, censor yourself. Stop yourself. These guys have been working and honing their skills for years on end, and they continue to work on these skills daily. They are constantly striving to get better. They will drop passes, they will fumble, they will stumble. But they are still likely working harder than you at anything you’re currently doing.

If that’s not enough, remember that there was a time that you had to be trained not to shit in your pants (not even a skill – just hygiene), and even that took some of you more than five years. Before you tweet, think back to the days when you ran around the playground with doo-doo smeared on the inside of your Power Ranger overalls and realize you, too, are not above dropping something.

Follow me on twitter at @blackshirtfresh for more apathy.