Preview: Nebraska vs. Iowa

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If you ask me, #IowaHateWeek was a success. It didn’t take much, and that should be expected, when the overall record is 28-12-3 in favor of Nebraska.

The Cornhuskers are riding a 5-game win streak over Iowa that dates back to 1982, though some Iowans feel otherwise.

To be fair, I’d probably try to forget about the three previous wins, too (42-7, 42-7, 42-13) considering the Huskers have struggled a bit in recent years.

This year should prove to be no easier, as last year Nebraska won 13-7 over a 4-7 Iowa squad that has improved to 7-4 now. Going all flippy floppy on the record this year! And the 2013 Hawkeyes managed to beat Minnesota, which the Huskers couldn’t quite do.

I’m up for the challenge. I’ve known nothing of distaste for Iowa. My best friend since kindergarten has traveled back every year since I’ve known him. I’ve seen him cry. I’ve seen him yell. I’ve seen his parents and him inches from each other, screaming about why he didn’t want to go, and why they are going to make him. His reason? “THERE’S NOTHING GOOD ABOUT IOWA.”

At least at times, there’s at least one thing: The football team.

I know we don’t have Burkhead anymore, but we have  a competent, strong, healthy RB in Ameer Abdullah, and I’m willing to put some money on him hitting 100+ yards again.

AT LEAST you aren’t your cross-state rivals, the other Iowa team.

Poor Sexy Rexy. All he did was score a touchdown, and some pissy jock tried to rip his beautiful head off.

Anyhow. Iowa is weird. Lets looks at some of the reasons why.

Iowa allows blind people to obtain a permit to carry a handgun. I think I speak for the majority here when I say that this is probably a bad idea. If a blind person was riding a bike and hitting people with it, people would be freaking the fuck out! The only problem is that there is a greater likelihood of grievous injury or death when a random person is hit with a bullet rather than a bike. My good friend Jimmy Kimmel will help me out here.

Oh my god. Jimmy is a dick. But really, it’s nothing against anyone who is partially or fully blind. It’s the fact that sight plays a major role in the operation of a device that is designed to kill things. Way to go, Iowa. Way to go.

On second thought, I’d probably prefer you give the gun to the blind guy rather than Ryan Seacrest.

A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public. Jordan Westerkamp will NOT be getting any strange next year. Time to revamp next year’s M4W Craigslist ads!

A one-armed pianist must play free of charge. I don’t understand. This is something people would pay for! A lot of money! Help the guy out. The average musician already doesn’t make a huge living, and to take away another source of income is absurd. People with one arm are already limited. They can’t be aircraft marshalls. They are at a significant disadvantage with shadow puppetry or juggling. Cat’s Cradle is near impossible. Just look at this guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VE10CqujmpA

YOU CAN’T TELL ME HE IS NOT WORTHY OF PAY! I can only think that this was put into place to make sure that one one-armed musician in particular got paid very well. Fuck you, Iowa.

That’s Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen. He only has one arm and he gets to make fistfulls of money!

Doctors who treat a person with gonorrhea must report this to the local board of health and include the disease’s “probable origin.” This is a great idea. Why not put it into public record?! “HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS SCARRED AND DAMAGED HARLOT!”

Lets get this straight. Someone contracted a TREATABLE DISEASE but Iowa still feels it necessary to put some indelible ink on it and speculate the probably origin. IT MIGHT NOT EVEN BE THE CORRECT ORIGIN! There are plenty of reasons someone might contract gonorrhea, but Iowa… Oh, Iowa. NO PRIVACY! Just barely stopping short of forcing them to wear a scarlet A.

This is Iowa
This is everyone else.

THIS IS THE FOUNDATION OF SLUT SHAMING.

Iowa, slut shaming since 1846. However, here comes the curveball.

It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. No one gives a shit if you’re happily (or unhappily) fuckin’ in a parked car, but if you contract gonorrhea during this particular coital session, errbody gonna know.

This is legal, nevermind the jump ropes. And that’s great that the officer must give you two minutes to finish up your business. This is likely due to the fact that if you’re having sex in a car, you’re likely still in high school, and finishing up in two minutes is no tall order.

Alternatively, this could be to prevent the officer from being tempted into something salacious, as those guys in New Mexico are wont to do. Those handcuffs work in many ways, you know.

This could actually pass as a win. No one wants to be caught with their pants down, and it’s sweet of the state to prevent some sort of humiliation that might end up being associated with sexual acts gone public. OH WAIT GONORRHEA NEVERMIND.

Within Ottumwa city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know. Seriously, this state sends the worst mixed messages. What would happen to poor Avery Moss if he went to school there?

In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. I’m not going to elaborate. This is the fucking dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT CAN BURN IN 15 MINUTES?

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them. Why is that you may ask?

A group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot. 

“OOOOO SO CLOSE!!”

“Honey, load up the ol’ shotgun. There were five. Didn’t see the tiny one. She might even fit in our cupboard. Heh heh heh.” – Iowan Bluehairs

And here, we thought Washington’s NAME was offensive? How about them set of rules there from Iowa? Thank god that game was in Washington, or else there could have been some REAL carnage on our hands.

That should be enough. But in case you feel like you may need some more…

ENTER: VODKA SAM

Normally, those tweets would be the mating call that ruins me for life as I chase her until she puts a restraining order on me, or finally gives into my begging and pleading. But upon further review… I just can’t. She’s the female version of every guy friend I know. Dream killed. I look at her, I see Will. I hear her, I see Andy. I get a whiff of the vodka coming out of her pores, I see Eric. So instead of crushing, I have lumped her in with #IowaHateWeek.

Besides, she stole Taylor Martinez’s catchphrase, and he’s a wonderful person who can’t even play in the last home game of his career. That’s too far. TOO FAR VODKA SAM.

Follow me on Twitter at @blackshirtfresh.

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