The U at the N. It’s storied, it’s exciting, it’s classic. It will also rip my beating heart from my chest and poo poo on it. Even if/when we win, I’ll be sitting there with my head in my hands, freaking the fuck out. Unless it’s a total blowout. Then I’ll be drunk.
Whether we win or lose, lets just talk about Fuck Miami. Miami is one of those things that people think is cool if they’ve never been. Miami Vice is what we call the dingleberry at work that keeps his shirt buttoned down to his navel, to show off is cancer-booth tan. He’s never been to Miami. He likes this nickname. The name comes from people who think he’s a waste of flesh, and who have lost some of their time on this world to Miami. The connection is clear. Miami is pretentious enough to love itself without ever really indulging itself in itself. Miami is the inception of being shitty.
Miami is located on the head of America’s limp phallus, which makes sense because Miami is full of a bunch of dickheads, and Florida is full of a bunch of geriatrics that can’t get erect without a popsicle stick and half a roll of duct tape.
Also, Miami is known for their astounding cocaine consumption, and cocaine impotence is a real thing. THE CONNECTIONS ARE JUST TOO REAL.
This week’s game is our first measuring stick this season. McNeese State doesn’t count because that was a metric ruler that turned into a 30-foot measuring tape, and it really should have just been us winning a “Who has a bigger dick contest” by about 16 inches.
We’ll see the true penetrative depth of our defense (Randy Gregory dick joke here) and the efficiency of our offense, which has stumbled a few times – much like the drunken club girls making their way back to the Miami U dorm rooms.
The real issue here: Our O-Line needs to act like they fucking care that we have a Heisman candidate on the god damn field. Gone are the days when we can sit back and relax and rely on the line to open up a hole. You’d swear they’ve never seen a playbook before.
From here on out, every play: AMEER.
Not only is he a killer ballplayer, but he looks fucking sharp. Can’t argue with a man that fashionable.
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