I don’t even want to talk about football. Last weekend was one of the most care-free and stressless weekends I’ve ever had. It was just so EASY. I was so drunk the whole time. Like ALL weekend. You know what makes me care and makes me stress? Football. Nebraska Cornhusker Football.
I don’t want to talk about the game. Like, I do. But I don’t. Because I just get my hopes up and one of two things happens. I’ll either A) just inflate my ego about being correct, or B) drink myself broke (but jolly) because I was wrong.
And even more, I don’t want to talk about last year. It was one of the more memorable moments from last season, if not the most. I don’t want to talk about it, because it scares me. We let ourselves get in to a hole and had to claw our way back with Big Hefty at quarterback and Little Mustache on the receiving end.
I don’t want to talk about it because of all the failures that needed to happen in order for us to get to that point. Like, we legit had to blow it. I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to jinx us.
Yet, here I am, fucking talking about it.
So here we are, coming off a loss again, going into whatever the fuck stadium Northwestern and Trevor Siemian play in and we have to worry about his dumb “arm” because he’s not “mobile.”
We are “rejuvenated” after our “bye week” and our one-time “Heisman” hopeful candidate “Ameer Abdullah” has more “fire” underneath him after gaining only “47” rushing yards. The “Blackshirts” are looking “good” and have really “tightened” themselves up.
“Bo” has said the “loss” is in the “past” and the “Huskers” are moving forward. “Tommy” was hopefully working on his “fundamentals” and has learned to scan through his “progressions.”
Oh, fuck it all. I thought putting quotes around it meant I wasn’t talking about it. But here I am, still typing the words and rambling and…lets just see how it works out.
So we have jack shit going on this week, but I have the time and the energy, so here comes the post no one knew they needed. Bye weeks are always a bit of a bore, but it seems it’s much needed after Nebraska’s loss last week. Here we go…
Presenting: Our Favorite Huskers As Dogs
Almost as cute at the real thing.
Bo, and whoever done fucked up.
Soft Bo. Warm Bo. Happy Bo.
“I got this, I got this”
“You’re going nowhere.”
Wobble Wobble Wobble
Such an eager n00b!
Full of deception. Fumblerooski works every time. Look at that lane he opened up.
Weavin’ and weavin’.
Pure, muscular terror.
What. An. Athlete.
“Outta my way bitches. I have an endzone to catch.”
I’m not giving up. I’m not ready to yet. I’ve given too much of my heart to this team to walk away, turn my back, or blow them off. One loss does not a season make.
It’s true that Nebraska has a tendency to stumble when the national spotlight shines right on them. However, Saturday’s game will go down in history because not only did the Huskers stumble, it was the time that Jake Cotton took Ke$ha a little too seriously.
Sigh. It’s almost like we were playing a real team.
Nebraska did not deserve to win that game, at least for the first three quarters. The team wasted golden opportunities; Tommy looked terrified in the pocket and didn’t look through his progressions, like, ever; Ameer couldn’t get himself any holes. It was nothing short of a clusterfuck. A Huskerfuck? Whatever you call it, it was bad.
A tiny glimmer? For how often our defense had to be out there, we did well enough to keep the Huskers in the game. For a usually high-powered offense like Big Red’s, 27 points should have been nothing to overcome. But we couldn’t, and if it weren’t for the Blackshirts, we wouldn’t have been set up for a potentially thrilling comeback.
We showed something in the 4th quarter. We showed the heart that we hear about. No one gave up, and no one gave in. The D shored up. Tommy calmed down. Two drives resulted in a touchdown. DeMornay Pierson-El kept up his one-man punt-return show, and came through when it was needed most.
For a team that looked dead for three quarters, we were ALIVE. We were thriving. Sure we needed some luck. But what’s that they say about luck? Sometimes it’s pretty fucking stupid except when it goes your way and then it’s totally radical.
Something like that…
Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky and good. Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. Yadda Yadda blah blah blah.
We weren’t prepared. Not the way we should have been, and certainly not early on. But we got our ducks in a row, our shit together, and we scared MSU, as we should. We were off kilter for 75 percent of a game, with people falling over, and Mark Pelini snapping the ball at will. But for 25% of the game – ONE. FUCKING. QUARTER. – we were on point. It took only one quarter to make it a game. We made it something worthwhile. Maybe MSU is all its are cracked up to be. Maybe we were caught off guard for a bit. One thing is for certain: Nebraska isn’t going to roll over and die. Because god damn, we can keep up with, and surpass this team in the B1G championship when we are firing on all cylinders for four quarters, and of that, I am convinced. If we had gotten just 5 more minutes of productivity in any of the 3 previous quarters, the scoreboard may have told a completely different story.
I still believe, because we’ve got guys like this:
(Side note: Ameer still leads the nation in rushing after only putting up 45 yards on Saturday. So lets all just remember which dog is still top dog, you fucking asshats that have questioned his ability. I’M LOOKING AT YOU EVERY ANALYST EVER.)
Any team that can bounce back, scare the day’s lunch out of your dumb Spartan butthole, and do it without one of its top receivers for half the game?
Well last week’s win was barely a win, but a win is a win, no matter how you get it or who it’s against. Right? The good news is that I predicted long ago that the Huskers would lose only one game this year and it would be to McNeese State.
If I had to put my money on the Huskers losing one game this year, it's to McNeese State
Good news! Since we snuck by McNeese, we can rest easy knowing we will win out. Starting with Fresno State.
Fresno, the glorious, cow-shit odiferous city that gave us Warren Zevon (RIP you beautiful crooning lyrical master) and Richard Kiel (RIP you monstrous terror) went and fucked it all up by giving us Kevin Federline (RIP Britney Spears’ integrity).
Fresno giveth, Fresno taketh it all the fuck away in one fell swoop.
If Fontana is the armpit of California, Fresno is the space between the sweaty ballsack and hairy thigh of California. I won’t even stop there to grab a coffee. I was on a four-day camping trip about two hours north of Fresno. We hadn’t showered, we were covered in dirt, we smelled like we spent four days hiking in 90-degree heat without a shower. But we still didn’t smell as bad as Fresno. So I won’t stop for coffee, and I won’t stop for a shower. I’ll rot in my own filth for another four hours, a half hour of which is spent with zero AC in the dead of summer as we drive over the Grapevine (a big dumb hill for the non-Californians) just to avoid seven minutes in that city.
Speaking of non-Californians, let me apologize on behalf of everyone in CA for anyone who is traveling to the Golden State for the first time and they are stuck going to Fresno. Extend your trip, come to LA, we will have a great time.
Not to mention, their football team is as bad as the city smells…this year. In recent years they’ve posted some pretty nice records. But in two games this year they’ve already managed to rack up as many loses as they did last year (the Bulldogs were 11-2 last year).
What I’m saying is that if my entire family is making the 4-hour turnaround trip to watch the Huskers, we better not lose. Losing is not an option. WE HAVE AMEER ABDULLAH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
Fresno is giving up points like K-Fed has given up exercise, and they’re scoring even less than he does. After last week’s near stumble, there is reason to doubt we will come in and roll, but that might also be the motivation for us to flatten the Bulldogs. Steamroll them. EUTHANIZE THE BULLDOGS.
Basically, I can’t fucking wait. I’ll be there, decked out, and in a cob hat. It will have a GoPro on it. It’s a CobCam. If you see me, come make a cameo. Have a drink. I’ll be with my crazy, drunk family, and you can be part of us. We welcome one and all.
We also have an extra ticket. If you’d like it, inquire within. You can hang with my crazy, drunk, fun family.
It almost happened. Karma almost came back to bite us, but it didn’t.
As I mentioned before the game, I was nervous that there’d be some sort of retribution from last year’s goal line fumble. The refs tried SO hard. So so hard. But in the end, it played out alright, I’d say.
It was apparently very cold.
It's snowing like mad, cold as hell, and these Penn State fans don't care.
The refs just can’t make it easy. After my careful and expert review, I determined that the penalty was a bit of BS. Sam Burtch made an insurance block, and that Penn State defender looks like he would have fallen over if there was a hot fart directed at him, let alone a half-assed block. That was a football play. Nothing other. Poor Ameer.
Nebraska, fumbled and Sam Burtch recovered it, keeping the Huskers’ hopes alive and simultaneously redeeming himself for something he didn’t need to redeem. A field goal, and a couple of punts later and we are headed to OVERTIME!!!
I had a feeling that great ficken PAT would cost us…let's see what we have in OT.
This inflates stats and drums up hype. Kurtis made the tackle. There was no ball contact. Westerkamp let his arm and ball leave his body creating an opportunity to fumble the ball. An opportunity that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.
Westerkamp fielded that punt at the 8-yard line. He should have let it go, and it hopefully bounces into the end-zone. Even if he doesn’t do that, he should fair-catch that fuckin’ thing because he was about to get drilled.
Let the punt roll, no fumble. Fair-catch, no fumble. Two mistakes led to the fumble mistake. An error in execution, if you will.
These are not forced turnovers. These are what I like to call collective fuckery.
Tommy fumbled two more times, and of course, only one of those was forced.
Shilique Calhoun with the forced fumble!
Pregnancy, much like fumbling, cannot be blamed on you if you pull out early enough. Remember that, guys.
Cole Pensick mis-timed his movement. TA2 pulled out early. It created the fumble fucker. This was on our own 1-yard line. Sparty recovered on the 3, and scored on the next play. It was inevitable. It’s not a stretch of the imagination that even a wonky defense can score from three yards out.
In conclusion: MSU’s defensive stats, and points after turnovers (24), were handed to them. The starting field position for each score after a turnover? Nebraska’s 40, 22, 8, and 3. All resulted in a touchdown except for the drive that started on the 40, which resulted in a field goal after 12-yard drive.
The interception in the first quarter led to a drive that started on the Nebraska 46 and was moved to the MSU 44 after a holding call. Nebraska still gave up 12 yards, but managed to get the punt. Without that holding call? That’s 3 more points on the board fro MSU. We got “lucky” there.
But MSU was luckier. The defense didn’t do a whole lot to give the MSU the ball all the time. WE did it. We gave up the ball. We gave them the opportunity to pound their chests and boast about the defense. We gave the MSU offense a gazillion chances to show they aren’t incompetent.
Think about this: Nebraska only had the ball for 21 minutes, 23 seconds, and STILL put up 28 points on MSU. WITH A PATCHWORK OFFENSE. Everybody is hurt. The line is held together with spit and glue. We’re torn up.
And THAT Nebraska offense, with so little time and wasting FIVE opportunities on turnovers, still managed to run for 182 yards and pass for 210 yards. No TEAM has rushed for more than 100 yards, and Ameer Abdullah did it with plenty of room to spare.
Only once had anyone rushed for more than 20 yards on one play against MSU, yet Imani Cross had a 51-yard run that resulted in a touchdown, after being touched by a total of zero Spartans. Ameer added another 29-yard run.
Sam Burtch had a touchdown catch of 32 yards after being covered by a total of zero Spartans. Kenny Bell had a touchdown jump-ball catch for 38 yards.
Nebraska took 1:48 to move the ball 75 yards on their last-ditch drive of the game when Ameer scored the last touchdown. With a third-string quarterback.
392 total yards. That’s what MSU gave up. Good. But not great.
All of the above is not characteristic of a team that gets the hype that it does, especially against an offense that’s “not that great.”
In a game with hundreds of What Ifs, lets take a look at one of them. Lets assume the game goes exactly as it did instead of one drive.
What if Tommy doesn’t fumble on the goal line? Lets say that the drive goes exactly as planned, and Nebraska scores. MSU never scores. That’s a 14-point swing. Plus 7 in our favor, minus 7 for MSU. 35-34 Nebraska. Oh, and then that’s 491 yards racked up on the best defense in the country. But the defense didn’t save MSU from giving up those extra 99 yards. That would be NEBRASKA’s miscue.
You can play that scenario with any of the three turnovers that resulted in touchdowns. It’s how the game works though, the mistake cannot be reversed.
What if there were NO turnovers. Or just one? What if the Blackshirts were lights out? What if every turnover resulted in a score for Nebraska. Take 24 points off of MSU. Add anywhere from 15 to 35 points for Nebraska.
This game could have should have gone a million other ways with Nebraska winning. But it didn’t, thanks in no small part to barfy ball handling skills. Nebraska punted 5 times. MSU 7. This makes me think Nebraska’s defense is better than MSU’s, and the numbers show it. But a steadily improving defense is often overlooked when there’s a steadily declining defense whose reputation still resonates for some reason. Hellooooo OSU smoke show.
Some people think otherwise.
@dirkchatelain it won't matter, according to @ESPNCFB no one can move the ball on Mich St defense. Tell Urban Meyer they won't beat MSU
You may have noticed I skipped over the fake field goal attempt. MSU’s “Charlie Brown” that was supposed to be a “Lucy” but actually neither of those because the holder was supposed to read the defense and go through with the kick, but he misread the defense and came up with some Linus bullshit and got the first down.
However, if I’m drunk at a bar in the midafternoon and I can see that field goal coming, the coaches should have too. A coach jacked up on the kool-aid about his stupid fuckin’ defense that has a 6-pt lead in the 4th quarter? Yeah, he’s gonna tell his kids they have the option to fake. And guess what? By their own admission, they shouldn’t have. But they did, we fell for it, and the whole situation on MSU’s sideline became a clusterfuck of inflated defensive egos, amateur psychology, misread defense, and a made-up running route combined to make Nebraska look stupid. It was a collision of mistakes for MSU that became a happy accident.
Saturday, November 2, 2013, will go down in Nebraska folklore as the day that an offensive lineman threw a 49-yard Hail Mary to a young Ron Jeremy to beat Northwestern as time expired.
(And quietly, our main man Ameer Abdullah took the lead for rushing yards in the Big Ten, something I predicted last week. He’s now the 5th leading rusher in the nation. Edit: 6th after Tuesday night’s game, behind by only 15 yards.)
It saved a few jobs…for now. It rejuvenated a fan base…for now. It made a lot of people happy…for now.
But there were a lot of things that had to wrong before Kellogg-to-Westerkamp reared its beautiful, mustachey head.
Before the game:
1. An ugly loss to UCLA.
2. A Bo Pelini leaked audio of him cursing the fans.
3. An injured starting QB who was supposed to kick ass, but can’t do that because he may break a toe.
4. A confusing and seemingly illogical two QB system that doesn’t make much sense to anyone, even Bo.
5. An uglier loss to Minnesota that marred the return of star QB.
6. A pot-smoking, coke-snorting (only once?) former defensive coordinator that is related to our head coach. Oh wait… HAHAHA
7. Questions about the Blackshirts and their ability.
8. The once-named Blackshirts had their Blackshirts taken away.
9. All of the above leading to a disgruntled Husker fan base, on the edge of their seats, and wildly pessimistic.
1. Jamal Turner out.
2. Kenny Bell hurt in the first quarter.
3. A missed field goal
4. Giving up long runs to a 4th (FOURTH ARE YOU KIDDING?!) string running back.
5. Dropped passes
6. FOUR interceptions.
Let’s get down to it. After the first drive, fans went something like this.
Should be very clear that Tommy Armstrong should be the starting quarterback regardless of Taylor's status
Oh, because suddenly we are mind readers… NO ONE CAN SEE YOU POINTING AT YOUR TV YOU DOOFUS AND NO ONE KNOWS YOU’RE AT THE GAME. IN YOUR FIRST TWEET THIS MEANS NORTHWESTERN/NEBRASKA. YOU DIDN’T EVEN MENTION YOU’RE WATCHING OR AT A GAME. HOW ARE YOU A JOURNALIST?
I can just imagine how your conversations regularly go. Joe: This is cool Joe’s friend on the phone: What’s cool? Joe: The thing in my hand! Joe’s friend on the phone: What the fuck is in your hand? Joe: THIS!
On the ensuing drive, Armstrong got some of his mojo back, on a pass to Enunwa.
Touchdown Nebraska. Armstrong to Anunwa in far corner. PAT good. 21-14 Northwestern 6:37 2Q
OH. MY. GOD. That spelling is atrocious. I hope your adviser fails all of you. Especially because this (take notes, Joe, there’s a link there) was your station’s last tweet Saturday. A mere 24 hours later you emerged with no mention of the game. Way to report on the most important thing that happened to your football team you homer. Anyway…
Basically, no one is happy. I’m facedown in a pile of buffalo sauce and beer, my brother is beating up a homeless man, and the man sitting three down from me is still going on about a missed holding call in the second quarter (one of these is true).
Looks like Nebraska's defense is gonna have to win this game for us…. #jesus
That’s probably the best idea I’ve heard all week!
But really, what’s important here, is that a lot had to go wrong before we could celebrate as hard and as passionately as we did. A hurt Jamal Turner was replaced by Jordan Westerkamp, a walk-on redshirt freshman. A shaky Tommy Armstrong was pulled at the end of the game. If that missed field goal gets made, it’s possible the Huskers win on a defensive stand, and the Blackshirts revel in the glory. But it’s not the same as a Hail Mary.
Everything leading up to the Hail Mary is what made is special. Sure, an undefeated Husker team would still celebrate a Hail Mary win and the fans would breathe a sigh of relief and still go nuts. But a downtrodden fan base in need of a pick-me-up, a coach possibly on the out, a team full of injuries, a game full of mistakes. It has a different energy. It all makes sense later.
You see what I’m saying? Sometimes you need shitty things to happen in order to enjoy those unique moments. All of those dropped passes, those four interceptions, the missed field goal, the punts…they played an integral part in the making of this story. It all has to go wrong before it goes right.
Even Kellogg played a big part in his own Cinderella story. Say he doesn’t throw that first interception, and the Huskers continue downfield for a touchdown? Suddenly it’s a different game, and a likely ho-hum ending. Or the whole situation is flipped! Northwestern may have won on a Hail Mary. Imagine how we’d feel then. The things we’d say.
We needed those interceptions. We needed Quincy to drop that ball with 4 seconds left. It hurt at the time, but it was a blessing. The Huskers may not have gotten the ball spiked with enough time. They might not have made the field goal. Even if the field goal is made, there’s no guarantee of a win in overtime. But with Kellogg’s pass and Westerkamp’s interception, that W is on the board now and everyone released the powder keg full of tension and anger and sadness and I-could-coach-better-than-Bo claims.
Ron, if you’re fat, then I’m morbidly obese these days. Jordan, you keep rocking the ‘stache. I can’t grow anything like that, so you keep doin’ you. Only you two guys could share that moment. You guys are the ones that made it unique.
So, Ron and Jordan, be proud of yourselves and revel in all of this glory. You deserve it. The team deserves it. The fan base deserves it. We thank you for it. You breathed some life into a lot of people, and maybe some people’s jobs.
Or maybe not…
Even a Hail Mary can't save Bo. He will be fired at seasons end.
Afterthought: Ameer great job you are amazing and you still deserve the Heisman I just got so wrapped up in the hate machine that I didn’t include you and your amazing performance. You’re so good keep it up and next year you’re going to lift that trophy. YAY.
Oy, here we go. NU comes into NU, and no one knows what the hell might happen. Northwestern has lost four in a row after winning their first four. Nebraska is coming off of a loss that looked a lot more like a wet fart than the high-powered football we fans are (almost delusionally) expecting.
Nebraska lacks the spark that often burst into comebacks last year. Look at that photo above. It’s pristine. A regular work of art. You couldn’t set it up if you tried. THESE ARE THE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITIES WE NEED. That’s Taariq Allen, nabbing a pass in the middle of the fourth quarter of the 2012 game at Northwestern. It brought the Huskers within five. Then T-Magic hit Ben Cotton 6 minutes later to take the lead. Then the Blackshirts did something amazing. THEY STOPPED NORTHWESTERN. That’s what we need! More Magic moments. Oh… what’s that?
Pelini says: Martinez ruled out. Jake Long doubtful. Jamal Turner 50-50. Afalava also won't play. Not injury related. No other details given
Taylor Martinez is out with turf toe, a hip pointer, separated shoulder, knobby knees, a hobbled heel, seventeen sutures, tennis elbow, clicky wrist, and a hangnail. Which means we will see Tommy Armstrong again! This pleases pretty much everyone.
Is it wrong that I have a real man-crush on the idea of Tommy Armstrong?
This surely divides the fan base into two categories: Those who are happy, and those who are slightly less happy. However, those who are slightly less happy need not wait long until the great Ron Kellogg III comes in two drives later.
So…Ron Kellogg is now playing better than Taylor Martinez. Season. Over. #Huskers#playtommy
This won’t make a whole lot of sense because this whole two-quarterback/two-drive thing doesn’t make sense to anyone but Bo Pelini and Tim Beck. They do this and it’s not too clear what the scheme is. We bring in ESPN the Ocho correspondent, Pepper Brooks.
(That .gif almost works perfectly because of Barney. Almost.)
This has the makings of a boring game, to say the least. Northwestern is ranked behind Nebraska in offensive production in three of the four major categories. The defenses are essentially the same by points allowed. Maybe this becomes a shootout and it’s way exciting! But then we just end up slamming our heads against the table half the time.
That’s where we need to give the ball more to Ameer Abdullah. That’s all that needs to be said there. He’s a Heisman-level player and we are keeping the ball out of his hands?! WHAT THE FUCK. You give him the ball all the damn time. If he says he can go, he goes, got it?
And if Ameer comes in and rocks the place, where does that leave us?
Here’s lookin’ at you Blackshirts. But they are no longer in existence, at least for the time being. So we are looking at the defense, which is giving up roughly 22 feet per first down. UGH. PLEASE SHOW UP.
If it’s a massacre, at least there are options available.
I don’t endorse drugs, but if a guy can actually coach defense, I’m OK w/ bldg him opium den, crack house, whatever in East Stadium #huskers
I endorse your non-endoresment endorsement, sir. C’mon Bo, win one for Carl. It’s the least you can do for a guy stuck at home ripping a bong and watching cartoons instead of College Football this coming Saturday.
I’ll see you all Saturday with my nose firmly pressed to the bar.
The loss on Saturday was devastating. I was at a new bar, making new friends, all hyped up on our sure-win over Minnesota. It was not to be. Nonetheless, I still had it in me to write a recap, knowing there was sure to be good fodder on the Twitter. And then I read Twitter.
That’s the least of the spew that was hurled at Husker football players. Most of it had to do with dropped passes or sucking. I don’t want to draw any more attention to the people who get on a soapbox and berate a bunch of hard-working players that are still JUST KIDS. So I’m hardly writing a damn thing today.
Especially after some fool decided to liken Kenny Bell’s dog, Mox, getting hit by a car to his on-field performance. I could write tens of thousands of words on this subject, so I’ll refrain. It can be best summed up by: You don’t mess with a man’s dog.
This enraged a nation (or at least Twitter nation), and the internet was rife with people showering Kenny and his pup with love and prayers (the pup is now at home and doing well). This made me happy, but no less apathetic about stupid people.
So that’s about all you’re going to get from me. Three days late on the recap and I still just hate people.
1. The Huskers lost.
2. Twitter reacts unkindly, and mostly rudely.
3. Kenny Bell’s dog is hit by a car.
4. Imbecile uses this to tell Kenny he had a bad game, thus infuriating anyone with a brain.
5. Twitter reacts again, this time in support of Kenny.
6. My faith in humanity is restored because of number 5.
7. Search Twitter to write recap.
8. Determine people are assholes.
9. Give up, look toward next week.
A closing note: To any one who feels it is their duty to berate, insult, make fun of, or otherwise be rude to a player, censor yourself. Stop yourself. These guys have been working and honing their skills for years on end, and they continue to work on these skills daily. They are constantly striving to get better. They will drop passes, they will fumble, they will stumble. But they are still likely working harder than you at anything you’re currently doing.
If that’s not enough, remember that there was a time that you had to be trained not to shit in your pants (not even a skill – just hygiene), and even that took some of you more than five years. Before you tweet, think back to the days when you ran around the playground with doo-doo smeared on the inside of your Power Ranger overalls and realize you, too, are not above dropping something.