So we have jack shit going on this week, but I have the time and the energy, so here comes the post no one knew they needed. Bye weeks are always a bit of a bore, but it seems it’s much needed after Nebraska’s loss last week. Here we go…
Presenting: Our Favorite Huskers As Dogs
Almost as cute at the real thing.
Bo, and whoever done fucked up.
Soft Bo. Warm Bo. Happy Bo.
“I got this, I got this”
“You’re going nowhere.”
Wobble Wobble Wobble
Such an eager n00b!
Full of deception. Fumblerooski works every time. Look at that lane he opened up.
Weavin’ and weavin’.
Pure, muscular terror.
What. An. Athlete.
“Outta my way bitches. I have an endzone to catch.”
NEBRASKA FOOTBALL IS BACK! CONFERENCE PLAY IS STARTING! WOOOO IT’S TIME FOR BIG RED FOOTBALL!!
One weekend without the Huskers was fucking dreadful. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My apartment has never been so clean! I exercised. I EXERCISED! I was so upset, I didn’t even stress eat. Do you know how stressful it is to not stress eat when delicious straight-from-Mexico Mexican food is three blocks from your apartment?
But then Lady Blackshirt surprised me with tickets to the Gin Blossoms for a belated birthday gift and all was right with the world (see, it’s OK to live in the 90s a bit, Husker fans). It was even better when I found out the next morning that Lane Kiffin got fired so hard that he wasn’t even allowed to sully his campus one more time.
Our boys have had a weekend off to rejuvenate, practice, spend some time at the spa… things that should translate into a win on Saturday against Illinois. The Illinois Fighting Illini. The. Fighting. Illini. Here I thought SDSU’s choice of Jackrabbits was absurd.
The university chose “Illini” because of something with the student newspaper sometime around the Civil War era. It’s not really clear, but football teams should not be named after student newspapers. Student newspapers have notoriously stupid names.
Then, because the name really meant nothing, (people from Illinois are called Illinoisans), they added “Fighting” to the name during WWI, decades later. The idea was noble: It represents those from Illinois who fought and died during WWI. “Other wars be damned! World War I is the only one that matters!”
YOU CAN’T RETROACTIVELY CHANGE YOUR SHITTY MEANS-NOTHING NAME SOME 20 YEARS LATER AND HOPE NO ONE WILL NOTICE THAT IT STILL MEANT NOTHING AND YOU MADE UP A WORD TO REPRESENT YOURSELVES.
You don’t even have a mascot anymore because the one you came up with was offensive, ill-advised, and irrelevant. Some two or three decades later you decided you needed a mascot and in a not-so-shocking display of ineptitude, you fucked it up.
You used actual Sioux clothing to shroud a student who portrayed a made up person – Chief Illiniwek – in an attempt to honor the Native American culture of your state. Actual tribe members got so mad that you had to give the traditional clothing back because you disgraced it. Now you can’t even use your Halloween costumes because your own school deemed your incongruous mascot too much of a shit stain on the face of your school.
Besides all that, YOU FORGOT YOUR REVISED MADE-UP-WORD-NAME REPRESENTS THE AMERICAN SOLDIERS OF YOUR STATE NOT AMERICAN INDIANS. Nice try, imbeciles. You are bad at names and you are bad at mascots.
We are all hoping that you’ll be bad at sports on Saturday, too. Namely football.
You see, Lincoln is susceptible to high winds on Saturday. You know what that means? Your passing game becomes less of a factor. Your run game isn’t that good. It’s middle of the road, but barely. Without a passing game, you’ll have to rely on the run. Because Nebraska’s defense has vastly improved these past two weeks (*crosses fingers*), you’re in trouble. Especially if we know it’s coming.
If you’re banking on the wind dying down, we have provisions to still ruin your day.
@kaylaoncorn@troy_little maybe the entire east stadium can blow while the west sucks while Illini O is on the field. Big help for our D
The best part? Take away Nebraska’s passing game and you get one of the best rushing squads in the nation. We are averaging 110 more rushing yards per game than you Illini honkies. We have Abdullah, Cross, Newby…a trio of backs that want nothing to do with your defensive schemes.
Don’t forget you’ll get a first-hand look the future of Nebraska: Tommy “The Touchdown Train” Armstrong!
Taylor Martinez is nursing his turfy toe for another week. The general consensus is that no one wants him on the field if he isn’t 100%, and that makes sense. We will likely need his run threat and cannon arm later down the stretch. Get him back to health, then back on the field. No need to… rush him.
Additionally, Armstrong can run. He’s no slouch. He’s no Tom Brady! He is mobile. Armstrong. Legstrong. Same thing!
This weekend will be a fun little window into what the future of Nebraska holds. A young quarterback with high expectations and a skill set to meet those expectations? Sign me up! And I won’t complain one bit if RK3 comes in and kicks some ass, too. Sometimes you have to share the wealth. As long as we don’t burn Johnny Stanton The Fourth’s redshirt, I won’t be upset. (He’s gotta be some sort of royalty with a name like that, right?). Besides, he is WAY too handsome to be used when he can’t be the face of our beloved program.
To highlight the Husker game this weekend, I had a grand idea of exploiting the confusion between SDSU (South Dakota State University) and SDSU (San Diego State University), but that doesn’t seem fair because SDSU is much better than SDSU. All-time records show Nebraska handily trounced SDSU in something like 1784, their first meeting. The most recent meeting, in 2010, resulted in an SDSU loss (17-3), but the Huskers looked flat. We can’t do that this time.
Nebraska comes into this game limping after another beating by UCLA and some asshole releasing a tape of Bo Pelini’s 2011 tirade that cursed Nebraska fans. It’s been an emotional week, and the team, while saying they remain steadfast in their focus, has likely heard it all. They are probably exhausted. Like, just-got-home-from-Disneyland-after-eating-a-bunch-of-funnel-cake-and-Dole-pineapple-whip-and-hugging-Goofy tired.
Not only that but… Taylor Martinez will most likely sit out with another case of turf toe. I don’t mean to alarm anyone but SON OF A BITCH, WE NEED TO BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, ALL HANDS ON DECK, PULL UP THE DRAW BRIDGE, PUNCH SHIT, LIGHT FIRES. THE GUY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO WIN THAT TROPHY FOR US IS HURT AND IT’S HIS DAMN TOE AGAIN AND WHO KNOWS IF IT WILL EVER GET BETTER.
Oh god, I’m so nervous. SDSU is good, or so it seems. They have a dynamic running back in Zack Zenner – who may also star as a porn star on some backwoods website with a name like that. He leads the FCS in rushing yards, and since the Huskers can’t stop the run, we may as well just let him walk to the endzone.
SDSU hasn’t turned the ball over this season. I’M TALKING TO YOU, SJB. THIS MEANS YOU, CIANTE. Interceptions. Lots of them. Make them fumble. Our offense could really learn something from these kids. Lets table the turns. They cough it up, we hold on to it. It’s a wonderful strategy. They are +11 in turnovers. We have to fuck this up for them. I will tolerate nothing less than 6 turnovers, in any combination of fumbles and interceptions.
SDSU’s go-to wide receiver is Jason Schneider, a man who is setting career highs in all sorts of categories since the season started. The strategy here is to not let him catch the ball. Then we need to make sure to score touchdowns.
A couple of notes for the week:
1. Bo needs to prove everyone wrong. He should go out there the same as he always does and coach the fuck out of this uber-talented team. There’s not much he could say to a stadium of 90,000+ fans to sway them. If he grabs the mic, it should be one hell of a ride. He might do himself a favor by saying “Fuck you South Dakota State University fans, no one ever even knew you were the state above us. We thought you were just the badlands of North Dakota’s wastewater, seeping ever closer to our Holy Land. We only knew you existed after our 6-ranked team put up only 17 points against you in 2010. Oh boy, you frothing cunts should have heard that recording.”
2. SDSU is giving up more than 400 yards per game. That’s good for us, but not good enough. I’d like to see the Huskers put up 600 to instill confidence. SDSU also is barely giving up 100 yards on the ground. The solution? Give the ball to Abdullah. Theres 100+ right there! Give the ball to Newby. 80 more yards! Give the ball to Imani Cross-the-goaline. POINTS. These gents can run. No FCS defense will hold them to less than 100 yards total. Right? I mean, that doesn’t sound logical. Right? These guys are TANKS. They’ll get it done. 215 yards rushing. In the first half. There’s my call. Don’t make me look bad, boys.
3. Ugh, Jackrabbits. I get it, your state felt the need for two universities and the other one got to pick the name first: the Coyotes. That’s your state animal, and a glorious one at that. So you chose Jackrabbits. You do realize they are in almost every state, right? That’s not unique. They aren’t even threatening. They are scared of EVERYTHING. They run fast, sure, but they run fast away from danger. SDSU couldn’t pick something like the Mountain Lions, Black Bears, or Swift Foxes? ALL indigenous to the state of South Dakota. There were so many options. They could have been the Fringe-Tailed Myotises. Look at these things!
Look at it. It’s so fucking revolting. Those ears. Those teeth. It’s like some mutant rat got all the ugly of his family, grew wings, and developed a tasted for insects and small birds. Thus becoming a Myotis. Bats are scary as shit. They are not fun. Rabbits are fun. Rabbits are cute and cuddly and sweet and like carrots and the like. Bats are hell. They eat living things. They are silent hunters of the night and will eat your ears and toes off while you try to relax in the cool of a summer night with your sweetie and a glass of riesling to accompany your cheese plate. Opposing teams would would be terrified! “SDSU? Nope! No way! Uh Uh! We’ll take the loss. One of them things ate my foot last summer.”
Rabbits run from people, Myotises will eat people. That’s fumble No. 1, SDSU. Prepare for more. For you. You’ll fumble. We won’t (hopefully).